YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.09.15

CNN reported multiple acts of bravery during the destruction caused by Tropical Storm Florence throughout the United States. These included rescues from the Crisis Civilian Response Team in North Carolina, a 47-year old Marine who rescued people in his off-road military vehicle, and a crowd-funding campaign to help rescue a group of dogs.

Upon hearing the news, Donald Трамп told reporters, “Hey I rescued people, too, I rescued the MOST people. No one rescued more people than me, or has bigger hands, I picked up all the water from the flood myself. I bravely stopped the flood. You’re welcome.”

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Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said Friday that former Secretary of State John Kerry was “actively undermining” U.S. policy on Iran by meeting several times recently with the Iranian foreign minister. Pompeo called Kerry’s meetings with Iran “unseemly and unprecedented” and “beyond inappropriate.”

In related news, a person in Buffalo, NY, exploded into a puddle of goo after their brain refused to process the hypocrisy of calling John Kerry “unseemly” and “inappropriate” after Donald Трамп paid off former porn-stars to keep his affairs with them quiet.

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USA Today reported that while wages are flat for most people, in some cities, wages are rising fast, creating boomtowns where people are flooding in. Among the boomtowns listed are San Francisco, Spokane, and Des Moines!

Upon hearing the news, Donald Трамп told his staff, “Hey, there’s more boomtowns, what about that city in Massachusetts, a bunch of wells exploded, that’s a boomtown, too. Fake News is underreporting boomtowns. Most boomtowns. No collusion!”

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

With Florence’s death and destruction came acts of bravery and selflessness
https://www.cnn.com/2018/09/15/us/hurricane-florence-rescues/index.html

Trump, Pompeo bash ex-Secretary of State John Kerry on Iran talks
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/trump-pompeo-bash-ex-secretary-state-kerry-iran-talks-n909866

Americans are flocking to U.S. ‘boom towns’ where wages are rising fast
https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/economy/2018/09/15/salary-rising-boom-town-cities/1278638002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.09.14

The 4,000-year-old Tomb of Mehu, hidden away from public eyes for more than 80 years, has opened near Giza, the home of the ancient pyramids. Tourists are flocking to the site to visit the home of an ancient Egyptian mummy.

Reports say that Steve Bannon is very upset that people are in his house.

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NBC News reported that at both Harvard and Yale, more freshmen identify as LGBTQ than as politically conservative.

Meanwhile at the University of Arizona, most freshmen report themselves as blackout drunk.

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Paul Menchaca, 31, of Arizona has been charged with multiple counts of sex abuse after he faked having Down syndrome and hired female caregivers to bathe him and change his diapers.

FYI: In Washington D.C., faking having Down syndrome and having people bathe you and change your diapers is called a “Naughty Mike Pence.”

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

4,000-year-old Egyptian Tomb of Mehu opens to the public for the first time
https://www.cnn.com/travel/article/egypt-tomb-mehu-africa/index.html

More Harvard, Yale freshmen identify as LGBTQ than as conservative, surveys find
https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/more-harvard-yale-freshmen-identify-lgbtq-conservative-surveys-find-n909781

Man faked Down syndrome, sexually abused women he hired to change his diaper, police say
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2018/09/14/man-allegedly-faked-down-syndrome-hired-women-change-his-diaper/1306857002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.09.08

CNN reported today that Officials in the Трамп regime met secretly with Venezuelan military officers who were plotting a coup against Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro.

It’s unclear at this time on whether they were offering or looking for advice.

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Last night, hip hop artist Cardi B was removed from a New York Fashion Week party after insulting Nicki Minaj.

Meanwhile, Donald Трамп has insulted literally the entire country multiple times and has yet to be removed from the White House.

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In South Dakota, Donald Трамп called for new libel laws during a rally to raise money for Republican Senatorial candidates.

Трамп wants Republicans to, “… Create some libel laws that when people say stuff bad about you, you could sue them!”

It’s unclear at this time if Трамп has a sense of irony.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

US met with Venezuela officers plotting coup
https://www.cnn.com/videos/world/2018/09/08/us-govt-venezuela-coup-plans-diamond-nr-vpx.cnn

Cardi B escorted out of fashion party after lunging at Nicki Minaj
https://www.nbcnews.com/pop-culture/pop-culture-news/cardi-b-escorted-out-fashion-party-after-lunging-minaj-n907731

Trump goes to South Dakota, rails against media and calls for new libel laws
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2018/09/08/trump-noem-fundraiser-thune-rounds-new-libel-laws/1238366002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.08.24

Attorneys for spy Maria Butina argued in a recent court filing she should be released from jail and placed on house arrest.

When asked where her house was, Butina said, “Russia.”

From an unspecified time in 2008, Sarah Palin claimed she could see Butina’s house.

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Allen Weisselberg, chief financial officer of the Трамп Organization, was given immunity by federal prosecutors in New York related to Michael Cohen breaking numerous campaign finance laws at the behest of Donald Трамп.

Prosecutors said they would do their best to also make Weisselberg immune to bullets.

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General Mills ordered its division to drop ‘100% Natural’ on Nature Valley granola bars after a lawsuit revealed the bars contain cancer-causing pesticides.

In related news, General John F. Kelly ordered White House officials to drop ‘100% Natural’ from any claims made about Donald Трамп’s hair.

In unrelated news, aids for Attorney General Jeff Sessions are 100% certain he’s an elf.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Accused Russian spy Maria Butina asks for house arrest
https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/24/politics/maria-butina-house-arrest-text-messages/index.html

Trump Org CFO Allen Weisselberg given immunity by prosecutors to testify
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/crime-courts/trump-org-cfo-allen-weisselberg-given-immunity-prosecutors-testify-n903566

General Mills drops ‘100% Natural’ on Nature Valley granola bars after lawsuit
https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/nation-now/2018/08/24/general-mills-drops-100-percent-natural-nature-valley/1082709002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.08.07

The City of West Hollywood voted unanimously to ask for Donald Трамп’s Walk of Fame star to be removed. The resolution is not legally binding.

In related news, the White House is planning to invade West Hollywood.

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A company in the Middle Eastern says they plan to tow icebergs northward so they can be turned into vast amounts of drinking water.

I don’t really have a joke here, just that, this is literally a plot point from a 1980s movie called ‘Brewster’s Millions.’ Yeah. In Brewster’s Millions, Richard Pryor plays this guy who has to spend $30 million in a month, and have no assets leftover afterwards. If he wins, he inherits $300 million. So, to win he has to make a ton of bad investments, and one of them is hauling icebergs. Which was like a thing in the 70s and 80s, people figuring out ways to haul icebergs for water.

Global Warming: making the 80s relevant!

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23-year-old Dutch college dropout Boyan Slat is deploying a 2,000-foot-long giant floating trash collector to try and clean up the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

The trash collector’s next target? The U.S. Congress!

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

City of West Hollywood calls for Trump Walk of Fame star to be removed
https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/07/politics/trump-walk-of-fame-star/index.html

How hauling icebergs could help sustain the world’s thirstiest regions
https://www.nbcnews.com/mach/science/how-hauling-icebergs-could-help-sustain-world-s-thirstiest-regions-ncna898036

A giant floating trash collector will try to scoop up the Great Pacific Garbage Patch
https://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/science/2018/08/07/giant-floating-trash-collector-heads-pacific-garbage-patch/831803002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.07.13

Robert Mueller indicted 12 Russian hackers for breaking into email servers belonging to the Democratic National Committee in 2016. The indictment references an unnamed individual who helped coordinate the release of the information; pundits believe this person is Roger Stone.

Stone is concerned that the release of the news will increase the number of talk show appearances he’s scheduled to be booked on in the next few weeks. “I’m tired!” he said while sitting in a makeup chair at CNN.

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A total lunar eclipse will turn the moon blood red later this month. The blood moon will be the longest total eclipse of this century.

White House aides say the blood moon is crucial to helping former Трамп advisor Steve Bannon find a new host body to inhabit.

“We can only do the demon ritual during a blood moon!” said a literal monster dripping with slime to members of NBC News.

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At least half of Twitter users spent time on Friday counting the ways that Donald Трамп insulted Queen Elizabeth during his recent state visit.

The other half of Twitter users were purged for being bots.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Roger Stone’s messages suggest he is unnamed person in new Russia indictment
https://www.cnn.com/2018/07/13/politics/roger-stone-russia-investigation-wikileaks/index.html

Total lunar eclipse will turn the moon blood red later this month
https://www.nbcnews.com/mach/science/total-lunar-eclipse-will-turn-moon-blood-red-later-month-ncna891191

Twitter counts ways President Trump ‘insulted’ Queen Elizabeth
https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/2018/07/13/twitter-counts-ways-president-trump-insulted-queen/784042002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.07.12

Former President George W Bush said he is “disturbed” by the abuse of immigrants taking place in the United States.

Bush said he’d be less disturbed by it if he was still President.

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Ohio authorities dropped charges against adult film star Stormy Daniels just hours after she was arrested during a performance at a Columbus strip club. She was arrested for letting a patron touch her without permission.

Never arrested for touching women without their permission? Still Donald Трамп!

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Massive protests are planning to greet Donald Трамп during his state visit to the United Kingdom. The protests include a giant balloon in the shape of him as a baby, vulgar crop circles, and a gathering of a few hundred thousand people.

Трамп plans to file a grievance over these incidents with his manager, Vladimir Putin.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

George W. Bush ‘disturbed’ by current US immigration debate
https://www.cnn.com/2018/07/12/politics/george-w-bush-bill-clinton-presidential-leadership-scholars/index.html

Sex-offense charges against Stormy Daniels dropped just hours after arrest
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/stormy-daniels-arrested-strip-club-charged-sex-offenses-n890791

‘@#$%! Trump’: Crop circle vulgarity to greet president as he flies to UK prime minister
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2018/07/12/crop-circle-vulgarity-carved-into-field-along-trumps-uk-flight-path/778127002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.07.11

Republican Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa said he’s nervous about the ‘detrimental’ effects of a trade war with China.

Grassley is perfectly calm about the detrimental effects of separating immigrant children from their parents, so, that should balance out his weekend anxiety.

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An Illinois Police Officer Patrick Connor resigned from his job for letting a drunk old white guy yell at a woman wearing a shirt with the Puerto Rican flag.

Connor plans to take a job in Boston, where that kind of thing is less frowned upon.

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The U.S. Army turned over the elderly parents of one of an active duty soldiers to ICE while the parents were visiting their son on base.

A spokesperson said that tomorrow, the Army will set a basket full of kittens on fire while children sing the Star Spangled banner.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

GOP Sen. Chuck Grassley nervous about ‘detrimental’ effects of trade war
https://www.cnn.com/2018/07/11/politics/chuck-grassley-trade-iowa-trump-cnntv/index.html

Officer resigns amid probe over lack of response to man harassing woman for wearing Puerto Rico shirt
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/latino/officer-resigns-amid-probe-over-lack-response-man-harassing-woman-n890781

Live stream: Daughter says Army turned parents over to ICE while visiting soldier son-in-law
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2018/07/11/family-says-army-turned-couple-over-ice-while-visiting-their-daughter-soldier-son-law/775148002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.07.10

On CNN today, Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar said Tuesday that his department’s policy of locking immigrant children in cages was, “one of the great acts of American generosity and charity.”

Azar was later seen eating the child of one of his neighbors to demonstrate, “loving kindness.”

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A 30 year old woman who beat a 92 year old man with a brick on the 4th of July was arrested. During the attack the woman told the immigrant man to, “Go back to his country.”

Local police weren’t planning to arrest anyone, but then found out the woman was black and felt okay about it. “Good thing she wasn’t a white lady, we’d have to let her go!” said one officer just before a fruit truck ran him over.

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Zsa Zsa, winner of the 2018 World’s Ugliest Dog, died at age 9.

Still alive? Donald Трамп, winner of the 2018 World’s Ugliest President!

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

HHS secretary: We’re performing great act of ‘generosity and charity’ for immigrant children
https://www.cnn.com/2018/07/10/politics/azar-hhs-child-separation-immigration-charity-cnntv/index.html

Man, 92, beaten with brick on street, told to ‘go back’
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/latino/man-92-brutally-beaten-street-told-go-back-your-country-n890146

Zsa Zsa, the World’s Ugliest Dog, dies at age 9
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2018/07/10/english-bulldog-zsa-zsa-worlds-ugliest-dog-dies-age-9/774009002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.07.09

Republican Congressman Kevin Cramer, who’s running for the Senate in North Dakota, said he told Donald Трамп to avoid making his Supreme Court nomination “some sort of affirmative action pick.”

When asked what he meant, Cramer said, “Let me be clear, I’m a racist, and I’m a sexist.”

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A police officer in El Paso, Texas, was placed on administrative leave after a video showing him pulling a gun on a group of young children was viewed 4.7 million times.

El Paso police regret the incident, and hope future incidents of police violence don’t go viral.

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Researchers in Finland have discovered Clistopyga crassicaudata, a new species of wasp in the Amazon that has a giant stinger.

Upon hearing the news, a local dad exclaimed, “They should call that wasp a Mueller!” When his children asked, “Why would they call that wasp a Mueller?” The unnamed local dad exclaimed, “Because Mueller’s prosecuting a giant sting!”

The audible groan from this dad joke was heard up to 80 miles away.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

GOP Senate candidate Kevin Cramer: I told Trump to avoid ‘affirmative action pick’ for Supreme Court
https://www.cnn.com/2018/07/09/politics/kevin-cramer-trump-supreme-court-affirmative-action-north-dakota-senate/index.html

El Paso, Texas, officer under review after pulling gun on children
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/el-paso-texas-officer-under-review-after-pulling-gun-group-n889796

‘Fierce weapon’: New wasp species with giant stinger discovered in Amazon region, scientists say
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2018/07/09/new-wasp-species-giant-stinger-found-amazon-scientists-say/767247002/

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