YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2016.10.31

Experts on CNN recently reported that viewing violent and scary things is good for you. Yeah, apparently viewing violent and scary entertainment in large groups helps people bond as they scream, cry, and throw-up together, then talk about how they survived the experience.

CNN then immediately cut to a clip of a Donald Trump talking and ran the chiron, “Watching This Horrible Monster Speak Is Great For Our Ratings AND Your Mental Health!”

———

An important status symbol for ultra-rich oil barons in the United Arab Emirates is a car with a single-digit license plate. Recently, a Dubai property developer spent $9 million dollars at a government auction to get a license plate bearing the number 5. Last year he spent $6.7 million dollars to win the number 9 license plate.

This morning, I spent $3.45 on my Starbucks and felt like I paid too much.

———

A man in China jumped a fence at the Nanchang Zoo recently to get a closer look at LingLing, a sleeping Giant Panda, but got wrestled to the ground and subdued by the Panda. Apparently, the man did it to impress some women he was with.

Yes, because nothing impresses women more than getting wrestled to the ground by a giant living teddy bear named ‘LingLing.’

———

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2016.10.30

For the first time ever, biology researchers have seen an egg-laying shark embryo with two heads and two hearts! It was hidden among 797 other embryos in cold storage in Malaga, Spain.

Still missing: Donald Trump’s heart.

———

In Iceland, the radical Pirate Party (not to be confused with the New Radicals or that Radical Skateboard Party at Dave Johnson’s House next weekend), made significant gains in their most recent election, but not enough to take control.

Asked for a comment, the leader of the Icelandic Pirate Party said, “Argh, we shant be in charge of the keel-haulin’ this session, but we may yet find that hidden treasure, argh.” Because they’re pirates. That’s how pirates talk. That’s. Um. Moving on.

———

Diwali, the Hindu festival lights celebrated every autumn started today. For many Hindus, Diwali is the most important time of the whole year, and is a time to which they hold a deep spiritual connection.

For many Americans, Diwali is that holiday that was on that one episode of that show that used to be on, what was it? The Office? There was an Office episode about that. Oh, man, I loved that guy on it, the one in that 40 year old guy movie. Do you know what I’m talking about?

———

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2016.10.29

An American Airlines jet caught fire on the runway, and an engine on the right-side blew up, sending debris a half mile away, and sending passengers away in a panic. CNN spoke to three sources that said there was apparently some kind of problem on takeoff.

CNN, the news station that watches a video of a plane catching fire on takeoff and still needs to ask, “Was the plane on the runway? Was it on fire? I see the engine on the right side on the fire, was it the engine on the right side that was on fire?”

———

Phil Collins has been in the news lately, doing interviews talking about his career up to date. He told some reporters that he thought about quitting Genesis to join The Who and also thought about joining yes. He said, “I think I would have done the job very well. I was just a cheap slut.”

Asked for comment, each of Phil Collin’s five children said, “Ew, Slut, Ew, Dad!”

———

Did you hear, the Cleveland Indians are in the World Series this year, against the Chicago Cubs? The Cleveland Indians are up 2-1 in the World Series this year so far after last night’s game.

Meanwhile, the Sioux Indians protesting at the Dakota Access PIpeline are still batting 0 for 100 in their effort to protect water rights and get absolutely anyone to cover their story.

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2016.10.28

Recently, a story from last December has come to light. A priceless Roman statue at the British Museum had one of its thumbs knocked off by a waiter who ran into it. The story is getting covered the BBC, FoxNews, it seems like everyone is reporting on this story. It’s one of the number one stories on CNN right now.

Thank goodness we have crack investigative journalists covering mishaps like this, otherwise, the front page of CNN.com would be covered with links about the Native Americans in South Dakota trying to protect their water from oil fracking, and who wants to hear about that? Ugh!

———

Uber recently released a 98-page report recently, and predicted that within a decade, we’ll have electric, flying cars that can get us around traffic and dropped off at 200 miles per hour! They imagine a future of flying, driverless robot cars.

Still not possible in the present, an Uber Driver’s labor union.

———

Ryan Collins, the guy who stole usernames, passwords, and nude photos of more than 600 people, including lots of women and celebrities, was sentenced to 18 months in prison. He apparently did this by pretending to send emails to people that appeared to be from Google or Apple email addresses.

REMEMBER: if you get an email from Apple or Google that says, “Hey, can you send me a topless pic for research?” think twice before you do.

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2016.10.27

A student at University of Wisconsin has been barred from campus after three women accused him of rape. His lawyer railed against a politically correct culture that just accepts what women say blindly about rape, and hopes people wait for the facts before hurting his client.

Because when you’re talking about criminal trials for rapists, it’s really their feelings we should be the most concerned about.

———-

Half of the world’s wildlife has disappeared since the 1970s, with elephants, wolves, salamanders, and hundreds of other animals affected, according to a new environmental report. According to the report, all of these disappearing animals are due to human activity.

One scientist who asked not to be named, pointed out that The Beatles also broke up in the 70s, and everyone blames Yoko Ono and suggested we just blame all the animal deaths on Yoko, too.

———-

The BBC recently asked its readers, “Who’s cooler now, the Apple Mac or Microsoft PCs?” in a story about all the new computers coming out this year.

The answer of who’s cooler now is, of course, the guitar player strumming on the steps of your apartment building at 3.30pm in the afternoon.

———

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2016.10.26

Russia’s developed a new nuclear missile, that could wipe out parts of the earth the size of Texas or France. It’s nickname is “Satan 2.”

Satan 1 is still Vladimir Putin’s nickname.

———
A guy dressed as a construction worker smashed up Donald Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame the other day. Yeah, he used a sledgehammer and a pick axe to wreck Trump’s star.

Trump himself has been wrecking his star by just talking, which is much less work.

———
A 2.5-meter-long torpedo filled with 75 kilograms of cocaine and 5 million euros washed up on a beach in Ireland recently.

Most people in America reacted to the news with one of three questions

  • what’s a kilo?
  • how much is a Euro worth in real money?
  • THERE ARE BEACHES IN IRELAND?

———