YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2016.11.03

Recently, Trump got himself into hot water with our armed forces for his repeated calls to waterboard suspected terrorists and kill their families. Trump also talked about forces getting bogged down in Mosul. General Stephen Townsend replied that, “Whoever is saying that I don’t know where they’re getting that impression.”

At which point, Vladimir Putin raised his hand, put his arm around Julian Assange and said, “It’s us guys, we’re the ones telling him that stuff, surprise!”

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Speaking of Russia, Vladimir Putin recently granted actor Steven Seagal Russian citizenship, the Kremlin reported on its website on Thursday. A spokesman said that he was given citizenship because he’s famous. Spokesperson Dmitry Peskov said, “he is a rather well-known actor, which became the reason for granting him Russian Federation citizenship.”

Still no word yet on when Trump will get his Russian passport!

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The Chicago Cubs ended a 108-Year streak, and finally won the World Series last night! People in Chicago celebrated, and felt a joy they haven’t felt in years. Other commentators have noted that this now makes the Cleveland Indians the new king of the World Series losing streak, having never won a World Series since they adopted their racist Chief Wahoo logo.

Still Going With an Unbroken Streak: The never-ending jokes from your friends who don’t like sports talking about, “Did someone win the sportsball footbasket game last night?” Work on new material, hipsters.

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