Man, this has been a rough week. A ROUGH week. Did you hear about happened in Indianapolis? Yeah, an African-American man working as a maintenance tech at a recycling plant was crushed to death in a machine that compresses and melts plastic. He was inside trying to get the machine unclogged when it turned on and crushed him.

When police arrived, Jesus appeared to them at the scene and said, “Please expect more disasters that are essentially metaphors for life on Earth right now, but remember, these aren’t on me. It’s on y’all!”

Jesus was then reported leaving the scene on his way to get an autograph from Beyonce.


Man, Facebook. Oh Facebook, your algorithms are isolating our news feeds into bubbles of agreement, your content feed is keeping our eyeballs glued to your site and our fingers tapping away and giving you more. Facebook is great at what they do, but even they screw up from time to time. Turns out that on Friday, Facebook notified a whole lot of users that they had died. People opened their profiles up and found a banner that read, “We hope people who love [YOUR NAME] will find comfort in the things others share to remember and celebrate his life.” So creepy!

Some experts believe this may have been caused by all the people posting that the Apocalypse is upon us now and the end of days are near THANKS A LOT TRUMP!


In less Apocalyptic news, the biggest cruise ship in the world was christed at Florida’s Port Everglades in Fort Lauderdale. It’s a Royal Caribbean Cruise ship that carries a whopping 5,497 passengers, christened “Harmony of the Seas.”

No word yet on whether Florida and other places around America will be seeing harmony in the streets any time soon.

Have a great day, thanks for reading, be good my mashed potatoes!