YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.01.05

Leading US intelligence officials are concerned that popular-vote loser and President-elect Donald Trump is damaging the security and the safety of the US through his continued disparagement of their work.

In response, Trump reportedly tweeted, “Intelligence community LOSERS! But Russia gets it – XJLKdkk.”

Trump’s follow-up tweet was a picture of a Frog kissing Roma Downey.

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A mysterious signal that has confounded scientists for years has JUST been traced to a dwarf galaxy in the pentagon-shaped constellation Auriga, a spot in the sky more than 3 billion light-years away.

The scientists were also reportedly able to decode the signal into English! Yeah, the signal says, “We’ve seen the future people of 2016 Earth! Don’t under any circumstances elect Donald Trump!”

Way to let us all down again science! 😦

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Buzzfeed recently spoke to a group of scientists to ask them what breakthroughs they’re most looking forward to in 2017.

One scientist was excited about the improved understanding of the brain leading to treatments that restore functions lost after neurological injury or disease.

Another was very excited about what NASA is calling the Grand Finale of the Cassini mission to Saturn, as the tiny spacecraft finally plunges into the giant planet and sends back what will hopefully be utterly stunning images from up close and personal.

A final scientist, who apparently had been drunk for 12 days straight said, simply said, “I’m looking forward to finding a new stupid job after our new stupid president defunds my climate research and then watching in horror as sea levels continue to rise and the planet continues to warm up NOW LEAVE ME ALONE AND GIVE ME BACK MY FLASK!”

In response, Trump reportedly tweeted a picture of a kitten cleaning its private parts.

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I’ve just started getting hate tweets and messages on twitter, and it’s only 5 days into 2017! I must be doing something right, it’s a festivus miracle!

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