YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.01.08

Iran’s ex-President Ali Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani just died of a heart attack at the age of 82.

He was Iran’s president from 1989 to 1997 but lost to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in 2005.

When asked for a comment, a member of Trump’s team asked, “Rasfsanjani, Is that where the word Rastafarian comes from? Was he from Jamaica? Oh, he’s Iranian. I feel like I should know who this person is.”

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There was that awful shooting in Florida, recently. No, not that one. No, not that one. Not that one. No, not that one. At the airport. No, not that one. That one, Esteban Santiago. You heard about that one?

It turns out, according to his brother Bryan, that Esteban Santiago had recently been taken by police for a mental health evaluation but was released after four days, just before he left for Florida. It also turns out that Santiago was being prosecuted for strangling his girlfriend in Alaska. AND it turns out he checked a handgun in his luggage and retrieved it at the baggage claim before murdering those folks.

When asked for a comment, Florida Governor Rick Scott said that Florida, “will not tolerate this type of violence.” But he said that it was totes okay for a crazy person who strangled his girlfriend to have a gun at the airport.

Senate Majority Leader and staunch gun control opponent Mitch McConnel reportedly replied to the murders in Florida by puting his fingers in his ears and screaming, “lalalalalalalalalalallala!”

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Popular vote loser and incoming President Donald Trump has new troubles ahead. Yeah, it turns out that Monica Crowley, a conservative TV personality Trump tapped for a top national security job, plagiarized large sections of her 2012 book, “What The (Bleep) Just Happened.” There were 50 sections directly plagiarized from news articles, other columnists, think tanks, and Wikipedia.

Stunned by the news, Trump’s transition team issued a press release saying, “WOW! Someone on Team Trump WROTE A BOOK? We’re amazing!”

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For some reason, and I’m not sure why, if I have coffee at the coffee shop down from my house, everyone asks me the wifi password. I think I should just come here with a t-shirt that has it on the front. There’s signs everywhere. People would probably ask me anyway.

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