YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.01.12

The United States is ending its “wet foot, dry foot” policy with Cuba, which granted residency to Cubans who enter the U.S. without visas, the White House announced Thursday. The Obama administration ended the policy with immediate effect through an executive order, one which could be reversed by the incoming Trump administration. Both countries will officially announce the policy change Thursday night.

A member of the incoming Trump staff reportedly asked, “why are we calling the Cuban people cat food?” when told about the policy by an outgoing Obama staffer. The Obama staffer said, “Not food, FOOT! FOOT!”

The Trump staff member allegedly said, “There’s no need to yell, I’m not the one who started calling Cuban people cat food.”

The Obama staffer then went to a bar for the rest of the month.

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A study in The Lancet noted that constant stress on a deep-lying region of the brain will increase the risk of heart attack. In a study of 300 people, those with higher activity in the amygdala were more likely to develop cardiovascular disease, and also to develop it sooner. So, something for everyone working to oust Trump to look forward to! Yay, heart disease!

When briefed on the issue, staffers at the incoming Trump White House said that they can’t imagine what would cause people to stress out more during a Trump administration.

They also noted that they’re planning on taking away health care, so, it won’t be their problem to deal with, anyway.

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A bill to decriminalize some forms of domestic violence has passed its first reading in Russia’s Duma, sparking anger among women’s rights advocates. The legislation would define first domestic violence assaults as administrative, instead of criminal, offenses.

Yelena Mizulina, who supports the bill, says people should not be jailed and labelled a criminal, “for a slap.”

Popular vote loser Donald Trump, in apparent agreement with the new policy in Russia, then slapped an aide and said, “It’s not a crime!”

It’s unclear if Trump realizes that he doesn’t live in Russia.

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