Scientists who are members of the non-profit Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists moved the hands of their Doomsday Clock to two-and-a-half minutes from midnight, the closest it’s been to the apocalypse since 1953.

“Never before has the Bulletin decided to advance the clock largely because of the statements of a single person. But when that person is the new president of the United States, his words matter,” David Titley and Lawrence M. Krauss of the Bulletin wrote in an New York Times op-ed.

White House aides were asked by popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп who the person was that the, “nerds in the New York Times,” were talking about. The Aides reportedly quipped, “Barack Obama,” which eased Трамп’s mind enough to let him watch Matlock in the West Wing until he fell asleep.


Actor Shia LaBeouf was charged with misdemeanor assault after LaBeouf pulled on the scarf of an apparent anti-Trump protestor and scratching the man’s face. The actor was arrested shortly after by the NYPD.

Sources on the scene said the NYPD car LaBeouf was put into quickly transformed into a robot than ran away. LaBeouf and the Transformer are reportedly at large somewhere in New Jersey.


President of Mexico Enrique Pena Nieto said in a televised address to his nation that, “Mexico won’t pay for any wall.”

In response, Donald Трамп reportedly said, “it would be better to cancel” an upcoming January 31st meeting with Mexico if they won’t pay for it.

Reports say Трамп is considering renaming Canada to New Mexico, then asking New Mexico to pay for the wall. Aides have reportedly told Трамп there already is a state called New Mexico, but Трамп insists his plan is sound.


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