YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.02.12

Boy the world is ridiculous these days! Everything already feels like a parody. You type something crazy, and then look, and the crazy thing happens. Hmm. Let’s try something. “Today, winged-unicorns rained from the sky in Brooklyn, NY.”

Okay, I see no winged-unicorns, so I guess there’s limits. Still, ridiculous things continue. Like, did you hear what happened at the Fed Cup? During the opening ceremonies of the Fed Cup, the United States Tennis Association played a stanza of the German national anthem that dated back to World War II Nazi Germany.

Most americans reacted to the news by asking, “What’s the Fed Cup?”

Reportedly, popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп said he didn’t understand what the big deal was, and said he liked it when people slipped those kind of old show tunes into renditions of Happy Birthday at his compound in Mar-A-Lago.

No word yet on whether President Bannon will comment on the Fed Cup controversy

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Speaking of ridiculous, did you hear what happened at the circus? Yeah, five acrobats were hurt when they fell from a high-wire act rehearsal at Circus Sarasota outside of University Town Center on Wednesday. A spokesperson for the Circus said, “If somebody loses balance … then something can go wrong.”

In related news, every political writer at a coffeeshop in New York spent most of Sunday working out exactly how to use losing balance and falling off a high-wire as a metaphor for basically everything happening right now including all of those ICE Raids and like a hundred other things right now did I mention I had a macchiato and like, lots of caffeine in that and I think I spazzed out and gave a speech to the barista about the criticality of civics while she was making it but it’s fine, we’re all fine!

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Jane C. Timm of NBC News recently wrote a thinkpiece explaining why Popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп’s promise to “open the mines,” in Charleston, West Virginia was unlikely to happen.

Timm noted that the only way to really make coal competitive would be to gut the burgeoning natural gas industry, but that the Dakota Access Pipeline and continued use of fracking makes that unlikely. One dirty source of energy for another isn’t a trade that’s likely to happen.

In response to Timm’s piece noting that the promise to open the mines was unlikely to be fulfilled, White House spokesperson Sean Spicer said, “A DOY DOY DOY DOY!”

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NOTE: If you see winged Unicorns in your area, make sure to get a selfie!

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

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