YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.02.16

Popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп went on a Twitter rampage this morning, tweeting four statements in a row, apparently related to the recent ouster of former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn over illegal contacts he had with the Russian government, possibly related to Russian interference in the 2016 election.

Трамп wrote, “Leaking, and even illegal classified leaking, has been a big problem in Washington for years. Failing @nytimes (and others) must apologize!

The spotlight has finally been put on the low-life leakers! They will be caught!

FAKE NEWS media, which makes up stories and “sources,” is far more effective than the discredited Democrats – but they are fading fast!

The Democrats had to come up with a story as to why they lost the election, and so badly (306), so they made up a story – RUSSIA. Fake news!”

So, to sum up, according to Трамп, the leaks about Russia are fake news, but the leaks are classified, therefore, someone needs to be locked up, because the story was made-up, but the people saying it should be caught.

The Surgeon General recommends that anyone who can follow Трамп’s logic request immediate psychiatric counseling.

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In more uplifting news, did you know that Mike Ilitch, the founder of Little Caesars who recently passed away on Friday, paid for Rosa Parks rent for many years? It’s true! Parks, considered “the first lady of civil rights,” had moved to Detroit in 1957 after her famous resistance to racial segregation in 1955, but ran into financial troubles in 1994. It’s unclear how long Ilitch paid Parks rent.

It’s also unclear at this time if those rent payments also came with breadsticks.

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Speaking of breadsticks, tacky catering mogul, popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп has asked New York billionaire Steve Feinberg, co-founder and chief executive of Cerberus Capital Management, to conduct a review of U.S. intelligence agencies and other aspects of the federal government.

If Feinberg’s name sounds familiar, or Cerberus Capital Management, it may be because the Bushmaster rifle used to kill 6 adults and 20 children at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut, was made by Freedom Group Inc., a subsidiary of Cerberus.

Cerberus, Freedom Group, Bushmaster rifle … yeesh. I guess Feinberg’s main job as he conducts his review will be to come up with the creepiest name possible for our intelligence agencies. Wait, this just in, Breaking News, Steve Feinberg has recommended that Трамп change the name of the FBI, CIA, NSA and other groups to the simple name, “THE ALL SEEING GOD-EYE OF LORD Трамп!”

When asked for a comment on the new name, Kellyanne Conway did a headstand, then spoke Pig Latin for the rest of the day.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

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