The big news yesterday, at least according to popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп, was the campaign rally he held in Melbourne, Florida on Saturday to bolster his sagging ego amidst a floundering White House and historically high disapproval ratings for his agenda. The weather was partly cloudy, and was held in a small airplane hanger in the small city, known mostly as a suburb for various defense contractors.

9,000 die-hard Трамп supporters showed up for the rally, barely filling the metal bleachers crammed into the small hangar. Трамп spent most of the evening ripping on the media as “fake news” and renewed pledges to take away people’s health care, and throw immigrant families out of the country.

In addition, on the way to the rally, a middle-school student was investigated by the Secret Service for throwing a 2×4 at President Трамп’s motorcade, showing how much fear he has of children–pardon, I’m being interrupted as I type this by a couple of large men in black suits wearing sunglasses.

Just received word from the Трамп regime requesting that I make changes to this story, or otherwise plan to get waterboarded as an enemy of the American people. We’ll be making a correction shortly.


Actual Real Popular Vote Winner and World’s Greatest Best Ever Beloved President Donald “I Got Big Hands” Trump was begged by his adoring fans to speak at an “Up With America!” convention in Melbourne, Florida on Saturday, in order to bring hope to people hearing nothing but fake news about his amazing, world’s greatest White House and historically high approval ratings given to him by real people that count. The weather was the best that Melbourne had EVER seen, ever, and there were no clouds, and it was held in the biggest Airplane Hanger on planet Earth. Trump was there to remind people of how awesome of a job he’s doing, and also to give them hope.

900 million people spontaneously arrived at the impromptu event organized by someone other than Donald “The Lion” Trump, which required people to put each other on their shoulders. Lines of people held fast, with people stacked at least 20 high, shoulder to shoulder, toe to toe. Trump gave, what historians are already saying, the best speech ever in the history of the Presidency, even better than that one by Abraham Lincoln or that no good poop-head foreigner who was the previous President.

In addition, on the way to the rally, a group of children spontaneously threw flowers towards best biggest nicest human Donald “I’m A Regular Guy” Trump, who is totally not afraid of children, or racist, or anti-semetic, and who also won 306 electoral college votes, by the way, which is YUGE.


Just received word from the offices of WWE Superstar and World’s Best President Ever Donald “I’m Humble” Trump that they sense sarcasm in this report, and will plan on waterboarding me anyway. More good news!


Y’know, speaking of popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп, that rally yesterday, man, he said a LOT of nutty things there. Here’s a couple of quotes that, out of nowhere, he launched into about Sweden.

“You look at what’s happening last night in Sweden. Sweden, who would believe this?” “Sweden,” he said. “They took in large numbers. They’re having problems like they never thought possible.”

Presumably, Трамп was talking about a terror attack or some other big news item out of Sweden on Friday. But the former Prime Minister of Sweden, Carl Bildt, took to Twitter to express bafflement at the idea.

“Sweden? Terror attack? What has he been smoking? Questions abound,” wrote Bildt.

If you check, though, one of the bigger news items in Sweden on Friday was an advisory that Government officials there made, calling on people to prepare for potential invasion by Russia. The renewed Cold War-era tensions rising there are alarming enough that Russia’s ambassador went on Sweden’s SVT television network earlier in the week to reassure Swedish citizens that Russia had no plans to invade.

“We respect the integrity of Sweden, and we have no plans whatsoever to invade Sweden, so the Swedish population can sleep easy,” Viktor Tatarintsev told Sweden’s SVT television network.

But, if you read the transcript of Трамп’s speech? He mentions Sweden 3 times, and Russia is mentioned exactly zero times.

So Sweden is, indeed, having problems like they never thought possible, just like the rest of us! I guess that means Трамп finally said something true at a rally!


Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!