YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.03.17

At a Thursday press briefing, Sean “The Sphinconator” Spicer read out allegations originally made on Tuesday on Fox News by legal analyst Andrew Napolitano, that the UK intelligence agency GCHQ (Britain’s equivalent of NSA) had spied on Trump.

Spicer said, “Judge Andrew Napolitano made the following statement, quote, ‘Three intelligence sources have informed Fox News that President Obama went outside the chain of command (to spy on Trump). He didn’t use the NSA, he didn’t use the CIA … he used GCHQ.”

The White House later apologized to the British government after it became clear no such spying had taken place. Spicer’s comment was described as, “unintentional,” which doens’t make much sense since he was reading a direct quote, but go with it.

Later, Sean “Sphincter” Spicer mumbled something in response. When asked if he could repeat what he said, Spicer said, “ … sorry …” When a reporter asked him if he could speak up, Spicer said, “GOD, SORRY, I SAID I WAS SORRY JEEZ!” before stomping out of the room, slamming a door, then playing “Sugar We’re Going Down” by Fall Out Boy at high volume.

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Secretary of State Rex “I have the name and look of a 90’s era movie Eco-Villain” Tillerson warned North Korea that the United States would go to war with them if they felt the need. Tillerson, a key shareholder in Exxon and its former CEO, is likely aware that oil prices tend to rise when war threatens, although no one is looking closely at this because of course no one is looking closely at that.

Also seemingly forgotten is that the job of the U.S. State Department is to lessen the likelihood of the U.S. declaring open war on other nations, which is hard to do when you’re actively shrinking your department and increasing the U.S. defense budget. As a reminder, the United States spends more on its military yearly than any other nation on Earth.

Popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп, never one to calm a situation, tweeted an inflammatory response in support of Rex “Do I eat children?” Tillerson, saying, “North Korea is behaving very badly. They have been ‘playing’ the United States for years. China has done little to help!”

I guess North Korea is ‘playing’ China in the same way that popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп is playing President.

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A few months ago, popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп promised residents of Detroit and other urban areas that he would help them with more spending and jobs. Yesterday, Трамп regime released a budget that calls for $6.2 billion in cuts to the Housing and Urban Development agency, directly hurting people he promised to help. This follows a pattern of Трамп sort of sketchily implying that his regime will spend money or offer aid, then weasling out of the promise at the first opportunity.

This is similar to the recent kurfuffle that Sean “I Know My First Name Is Steven” Spicer raised when he said that Трамп didn’t mean ‘wire tapping’ when he tweeted ‘wire tapping.’ If you recall last year, Трамп supporters said that people needed to take Трамп seriously but not literally. Which is true, except when Трамп is being serious, but not literal, or if Трамп means something literally but not seriously.

For anyone confused and unable to follow this logic, it’s really straightforward. When Трамп says something, he means the opposite, unless he’s telling the truth or joking. If he’s joking, then it’s not a lie, but you didn’t get the punchline. So, if he says, “wire tapping” that’s not the same as “wire tapping” it just means “wire tapping” like the way that the people do. Or, if he says he’s going to increase funding for something, but it’s really reducing the budget, that’s not a cut because he said he was going to increase funding even though he’s doing the opposite of that.

I have no idea why ordinary Americans and “The Media” and “People With Brains” have a hard time “following” any of “that” train of thought.

In a related story, the State Department recently announced they’ll be offering, “Gibberish,” as part of their foreign language curriculum, to help any career government employees communicate more effectively with members of the Трамп regime.

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CORRECTION: An earlier story reported that Sean “Sphincter” Spicer apologized for lying about claims that the British government wire-tapped popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп. This was an error, Sean “Spicey Spice” Spicer didn’t even attempt to apologize for his most recent lie, so, would like to offer that correction.

We stand by the Fall Out Boy joke, however.

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

White House apologizes to British government over spying claims
http://www.cnn.com/2017/03/17/politics/gchq-trump-wiretap-denial/index.html

Trump blasts North Korea over nukes
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2017/03/17/donald-trump-north-korea-china/99298596/

Impact of war on stocks and oil
http://money.cnn.com/2013/09/03/investing/war-syria-stocks-oil/

Trump Proposes Cutting Billions to Urban Areas He Vowed to Help
http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-cuts-billions-urban-areas-he-vowed-help-n734516

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