YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.03.18

In the topsy-turvy world of 2017, China has now become the ‘good cop’ to diplomatic ‘bad cop’ United States. Chinese diplomats recently recommended that the United States take a “cool-headed” approach to escalating tensions with North Korea, calling for a diplomatic solution to North Korea’s nuclear and ballistic missile programs.

US Secretary of State Rex “I Like War” Tillerson arrived in Beijing for a two hour meeting with his Chinese counterpart Wang Yi. Mr. Yi said the US should, “come back to the right track of a negotiated settlement.”

Tillerson noted in a press conference that tensions with North Korea had reached, “a dangerous level,” but felt confident that with enough bad diplomacy, and continued saber-rattling by Трамп, that his State Department could get things boiling over into a war in just a few weeks!

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Speaking of bad diplomacy, did you hear the latest dumb thing popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп did that WASN’T on twitter? It was during his meeting with current leader of the free world, German Chancellor Angela Merkel. Historically, the President of the United States has been thought of as ‘Leader of the Free World’ but, well, we have Трамп now, who couldn’t lead his way out of a paper bag.

During a photo opportunity in the White House, Chancellor Merkel was seated with Dictator Трамп, and the reporters in the room asked them to shake hands. Merkel also asked, and Трамп ignored them all. Several reporters asked why they wouldn’t shake hands, but Трамп ignored them.

When a gentle reporter with the demeanor of a kindergarten teacher finally asked Трамп in a hushed voice, “Were you feeling too shy to shake her hand because you made a number two in your pants?” Трамп briefly looked up, nodded his head quickly, bit his thumb, then was whisked out of the room.

No word yet on when Трамп began his nap for the day.

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The Department of Justice said it has complied with a request from the House Intelligence Committee to turn over any relevant material related to popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп’s claim two weeks ago that he had his “wires tapped” before the election by President Barack Obama.

During a recent joint press conference with German Chancellor Angela Merkel, members of the German press acted like journalists and asked questions about the accuracy of Трамп’s claims about wiretapping. In response, Трамп said, “As far as wiretapping, perhaps this last administration, at least we have something in common, perhaps, and just to finish , we said nothing, we just quoted a very talented legal mind who was the one responsible for it … you shouldn’t be talking to me, you should be talking to Fox.”

As a reminder, that’s a lie, Трамп offered no attribution to his claim at the time he made it, and has produced no evidence to substantiate what he said.

When asked what the Department of Justice had turned over to the House Intelligence Committee, a DOJ spokesperson showed a Mar-A-Lago cocktail napkin that simply read, “Microwave listen Obama??? Boobies.”

There is no confirmation at this time on whether Tрамп’s cocktail napkin also included a drawing of boobies.

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Трамп is exhausting. But it’s because all of this horribleness is happening at once. There are no distractions, no one is trying to make you look at one thing while this other thing is happening. It’s like Godzilla has hit a city, and is smashing buildings and breathing fire. If your building caught on fire, that’s not a distraction from a building across the street that also caught on fire from Godzilla breath. You’re both on fire.

That’s right now, and that’s why it’s so hard to process; we’re getting endless atomic Godzilla fire breath over so many things that it can be paralyzing. A good reaction you can make is to choose a fire to put out, and put it out. A better reaction is to do that, and work with people to help figure out how to drive Godzilla out of the city.

Lucky for us, our Godzilla is just a chubby guy from Queens with a combover. But if we’re not careful, that chubby guy from Queens with combover could literally engulf the planet in Godzilla fire breath by using our nuclear weapons on another country.

Let’s fight him before it gets that far.

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

China to US: Be ‘cool-headed’ on North Korea
http://www.cnn.com/2017/03/18/asia/china-rex-tillerson-north-korea/index.html

Awkward: Merkel asks for a handshake, Trump doesn’t respond
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/onpolitics/2017/03/17/angela-merkel-donald-trump-handshake/99310398/

DOJ Says It Complied With House Committee Request on Trump’s ‘Wiretap’ Claim
http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/doj-says-it-complied-house-committee-request-trump-s-wiretap-n735216

A timeline of President Trump’s unsubstantiated wiretapping claims
http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/timeline-president-trumps-unsubstantiated-wiretapping-claims/story?id=46198888

Trump Offers No Apology for Claim on British Spying
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/17/world/europe/trump-britain-obama-wiretap-gchq.html