Former FBI Director James Comey was “taken aback” by popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп’s request for a personal assurance or pledge of loyalty at a dinner shortly after he took office, a source close to Comey told CNN Friday.

The source said, “Comey thought loyalty oaths came after the despot in charge started dressing like a General all of the time.”

In related news, sources say Трамп will appoint himself a Twenty Star General Commander In Chief after cake next Tuesday.


Carter Page, the energy industry consultant who was linked last year to Donald Trump’s presidential campaign and was the subject of an FBI investigation, said Thursday night that he has consulted with the FBI and the CIA many times over the years regarding various intelligence matters.

When asked about Carter Page, Deputy White House Press Secretary Sarah “Huckleberry” Sanders said, “I say, why I say, no one in this here White House knows any carpetbagger by the name of Carter Page! The nerve, I say, the nerve of some people!” Sanders then stormed out of the briefing.

Cartoon character Foghorn Leghorn took the remainder of press questions, while Sean Spicer hid in a bush and read comic books.


Speaking of racist Southern stereotypes in brazenly exercising power, Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III has reversed previous Attorney General Eric Holder’s 2013 directive to limit the use of mandatory-minimum sentencing rules. This is expected to have the effect of increasing the federal prison population, including increases in the number of non-violent drug offenders sentenced to federal prison for lengthy sentences.

When asked for a comment, Colorado Трамп voter Dave “Doobie Brothers” Johansonberg said, “I told you if Clinton was elected this kind of thing would happen!”

When told that Трамп was President, not former Secretary of State Clinton, Johansonberg said, “What, really? Is this Tuesday? Let’s go get tacos. Happy Cinco de Mayo, bruh!”


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Comey was taken aback by Trump request for loyalty pledge

Carter Page, Once Linked to Trump Campaign, Russians, Claims Multiple FBI, CIA Contacts

Attorney General Jeff Sessions enacts harsher charging, sentencing policy