YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.07.31

 

Last week, the US Congress passed a bill imposing fresh sanctions over Russia’s meddling in the US’ 2016 election. And this week in response, President Vladimir Putin ordered the US to cut staff at its Russian embassy and forced some US diplomats home.

The White House had no comment on the matter, because White House Communications director Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci was busy preparing comments about his pending divorce from his wife for the morning talk shows. Some of those comments include, “Leave my family out of ‘dis,” “You come at me wit’ a knife, I come at you wit’ a gun, you put one a my guys in da’ hospital, I put one a your guys in da’ morgue, dat’s the White House way!,” and, “This ain’t personal, it’s business.”

There’s no word yet on precisely how many movies The Mooch plans to quote during his tenure in the White House.

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The White House’s commission on voter integrity begins work this week but is divided on the key question their tasked with answering: Is there widespread fraud at the ballot box?

One thing they all agree upon, though, is that there’s widespread fraud at the White House, but nobody is going to talk about that.

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Millions in anonymous donations are being sent directly to Super PACs supporting popular vote loser, Russian supported Presidential candidate and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп, despite Трамп’s repeated calls to “drain the swamp” in Washington of special-interest money.

White House aides say that Трамп doesn’t see those anonymous donations as swamp water, instead noting that, “it’s more like, we’re getting champagne. Because seriously, with the amount of money we’re getting in, we could bathe in champagne.”

Sources say Melania Трамп is planning to spend the donation money on a new shower that sprays Moët & Chandon, while her husband Donald will spend the money watching different kinds of showers get sprayed.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Putin hits back at sanctions bill by gutting US missions
http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/30/politics/russia-us-diplomatic-missions/index.html

Trump Vote Fraud Commission Members Divided on Key Issue
http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/white-house/trump-vote-fraud-commission-hopelessly-divided-n785461

Secret donations are helping to boost President Trump’s agenda, fights with investigators
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2017/07/30/secret-donors-help-boost-trump-agenda-battles-investigators/516221001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.07.30

 

Australian police arrested 4 terrorists who planned to bring down an airplane recently. Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull said he won’t raise Australia’s terrorism threat level in response. He plants to leave it at “probable,” the Prime Minister said, between “possible” and “expected.”

When asked why he won’t raise the threat level, Prime Minister Turnbull downed a whole can of Tooheys then said, “Raise the threat level? What are we, pansies like them yanks in the U.S.? Who do I look like, Donald Трамп? Look at the size of my hands!”

Turnbull then smashed the empty can on his head after killing a crocodile with his bare hands.

Some sources dispute the account, and say he killed an alligator.

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The U.S. successfully tested its Terminal High Altitude Area Defense (THAAD) system. Reports say that THAAD successfully intercepted a test missile near Kodiak, Alaska.

After being informed of the news, popular vote loser, Russian supported Presidential candidate and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп said, “I want to thank Senator Thad Cochran. He’s a Republican Senator from Missouri, and unlike Democrats, Republicans like Thad know that if you see a missile, you say something, and you blow it up. So thank you Thad for blowing up that missile over Alaska. And Thad, if you want two scoops of ice cream, I’ll allow it. I’ll allow it. Come to the White House, you can have two scoops of ice cream. I’ll think about it. But great job blowing up that missile Thad. Maybe we should deploy you to North Korea! Hey, Mooch! MOOCH! Mooch, come here, let’s send Thad to North Korea, he can take care of those missile there. Mooch!”

Трамп eventually wandered off to watch “Bloodsport” in the bathroom.

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Cristiane “Cyborg” Justino won the 145-pound featherweight title by beating former champ Tonya Evinger via a TKO on Saturday.

Reports say that Donald Трамп wants to send “Cyborg” Justino to Syria because, “everybody knows that those special forces guys always win those martial arts tournaments, so, she must be the best. The BEST. Have you seen Bloodsport? Jean Claude Van Damme was a special forces guy in that. That’s what we’ll do, we’ll send Cyborg, Van Damme, we’ll send ‘em all over there. They’ll just kick ass–Where’s Mooch? Mooch will get it. Mooch. MOOCH! HEY MOOCH! Mooch, did you hear that the Prime Minister of Australia called us pansies, let’s send Cyborg and Thad AND Van Damme to go kick his ass! What do you think about that Mooch? HEY MOOCH!”

Aides say Трамп was still saying, “Mooch!” as he wandered out of the White House and was nearly struck by a delivery truck.

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Mooch! HEY MOOCH!

Anyway, have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Australian authorities arrest 4 in alleged airplane terrorist plot
http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/29/asia/australia-airplane-terror-plot/index.html

U.S. Conducts ‘Successful’ Test of THAAD Defense System With Ballistic Missile
http://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/u-s-conducts-test-thaad-defense-system-ballistic-missile-n787851

‘Cyborg’ Justino stops Tonya Evinger with TKO for featherweight title at UFC 214
https://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/ufc/2017/07/30/cristiane-cyborg-justino-tonya-evinger-ufc-214/523362001/

Donald Trump’s surprising list of favorite movies, TV shows, and music
http://www.businessinsider.com/donald-trumps-favorite-pop-culture-movies-tv-books-music-2016-8

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.07.29

 

White House chief of staff Reince Priebus handed in his resignation to popular vote loser, Russian supported Presidential candidate and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп yesterday.

Priebus has a new job lined up marketing his line of shampoo for dogs.

“Does your dog smell horrible? Try Reince Priebus to get your cocker-spaniel smelling great! Yes, Reince Priebus can get the stink out of anything!”

Sources say that Reince Priebus dog shampoo can’t actually get the stink out of anything.

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Retired Marine General and current Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly is the new White House chief of staff for Donald Трамп. Reports say he’s planning to inject discipline into the team.

An anonymous White House source said Трамп was really excited about the idea of injecting discipline, until he realized that it meant everyone was probably going to start doing push-ups in the morning.

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On Twitter yesterday, Senator Chris Murphy (D-CT) said, “I ran into John McCain as we walked underground to the Senate for the final vote. Someday I’ll get to tell my grandkids what he said to me.”

Aides said that McCain told Murphy, “When I die, my brain will get put into a robot powered by ice-cream.”

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Priebus latest high-profile departure from Trump admin
http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/28/politics/reince-priebus-chief-of-staff/index.html

New White House chief of staff Kelly is a combat leader who will try to impose discipline
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2017/07/28/new-trump-chief-staff-john-kelly-general-who-can-impose-order/521899001/

I ran into John McCain as we walked underground to the Senate for the final vote. Someday I’ll get to tell my grandkids what he said to me.
https://twitter.com/ChrisMurphyCT/status/890810835408363520

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.07.28

 

Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell’s latest attempt to replace Obamacare with Trumpcare failed last night during a dramatic vote. McConnell and the Republican Party wrote a new bill late last night, and the vote failed by just three Republican votes from Senators John McCain, Lisa Murkowski and Susan Collins.

McConnell and his fellow Republicans were devastated that they weren’t able to take away health care from millions of Americans, and have vowed to kick some puppies this morning until they get their next chance to hurt millions of men, women and children.

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Right next to headlines about the failure of Republicans to repeal and replace Obamacare, CNN ran a headline about Anthony Scaramucci that read, “The 8 wildest storylines from The Mooch’s first week on the job.”

I mean, what could go wrong by downplaying the serious danger of having an unhinged alleged-billionaire lunatic in the halls of power in Washington D.C., right CNN?

It’s almost like CNN doesn’t remember running similar headlines about popular vote loser, Russian supported Presidential candidate and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп a year ago.

CNN is basically like that friend at a party who’s pretty smart and okay to talk to most of the time, but then sometimes gets blackout drunk then ALWAYS decides to pee in someone’s bed when that happens.

Then says, “I mean, I don’t remember peeing in your bed but like someone shouldn’t have let me in that room in the first place. Can we talk about Hillary’s emails?”

Anyway, Anthony Scaramucci is a deranged lunatic, which is why he fits so well in Трамп’s White House.

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This just in, Federal investigators are close to revealing some of Donald Трамп’s most closely guarded secrets through their probe of his dealings with Russian nationals and government agents. Among those secrets are how much money he REALLY makes, which Russian mobsters he does business with and how much money he owes to the aforementioned politically-connected Russian mobsters.

Still a secret: The number of hours and people it takes each day to construct his combover!

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

GOP Obamacare repeal bill fails in dramatic late-night vote
http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/27/politics/health-care-debate-thursday/index.html

The 8 wildest storylines from The Mooch’s first week on the job
http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/28/politics/anthony-scaramucci-wild-week/index.html

Russia probe could reveal Trump’s closest-held secrets
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2017/07/27/russia-investigation-delves-into-trumps-most-guarded-business-secrets/515961001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.07.27

 

Utter jerkoff, popular vote loser, Russian supported Presidential candidate and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп banned Transgender people from serving in the military unexpectedly yesterday.

The reason for the ban? A Missouri Republican lobbied the White House in recent weeks to remove the payment of hormone therapies and surgeries from Military health care.

Representative Vicky Hartzler (R-MO), who proposed an amendment on the defense authorization bill to ban the Pentagon from paying what Hartzler called “transition surgeries,” as well as hormone therapy, had been lobbying the White House for help to get her bill passed. Instead, Трамп decided unilaterally to just ban Transgender people completely.

“I mean, my bill was intended to hurt Transgender people, but not like THAT,” Hartzler reportedly said while asking people to confirm their gender with her before they went to the bathroom at a local Starbucks.

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Speaking of bigotry, one of the claims that Donald Трамп has made, along with Dolores Umbridge impersonator Representative Vicky Hartzler, is that paying for the medical expenses of Transgender people in the military is, ‘too expensive.’ But is that true?

According to Conservative Thinktank the Rand Institute, the cost for the military to pay for transgender medical care is somewhere between $2.4 million to $8.4 million a year. In comparison, one F-35 fighter costs $164,300,000. And the overall budget for the military this year is $696,000,000,000. Meaning this policy saves 0.000352941% of the overall military budget.

When informed of this news, Трамп told aides, “Hey, that’s not chump change, that’s probably enough money for something better, like having the Blue Angels fly over Mar-A-Lago while I’m golfing. Have you been to Mar-A-Lago? Seriously, you should go, the chicken scampi is fantastic. Just fantastic. You should try it.”

Yeah, anyway, Donald Трамп is dumb and is bad at finance and math.

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Y’know, getting slightly serious for a moment, as a reminder, every trip that Donald Трамп takes to go golfing costs (using very conservative estimates) $2 million per trip.

That means Трамп has spent at least $14 million in taxpayer money to go golfing. Which is just under twice the amount of $8.4 million that (at the highest possible estimate) medical care for Transgender military personnel would cost. Some estimates of Трамп’s trips to Mar-A-Lago are pegged at $3.9 million per trip.

If that’s true, American taxpayers have forked over $29 million to Трамп to play golf at his own private resort, which is 3 times the cost of the highest possible estimate of the cost for transgender military personnel’s medical care.

When informed of this news, Трамп told aides, “Have you guys had the chicken scampi at Mar-A-Lago. Let me tell you, it’s fantastic. I don’t eat it, that’s what my friend Jerry told me. He’s a great guy. Beautiful. He was a Boy Scout, his wife was a girl Scout, and they love it. And the meatloaf. I love the meatloaf. They don’t make it right at the White House. Meatloaf and cake. There’s a singer, did you know that there’s a singer named Meatloaf? That’s his real name! True fact. Keep it up, make america great again.”

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Conservatives lobbied White House on transgender policy but total ban wasn’t what they asked for
http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/26/politics/congress-transgender-policy/index.html

Trump Claims Transgender Service Members Cost Too Much: But Is That True?http://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/trump-claims-transgender-service-members-cost-too-much-true-n786891

OnPolitics Today: Trump’s Mar-a-Lago trips cost more than trans soldiers’ health care
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/onpolitics/2017/07/27/transgender-soldiers-cost-u-s-less-than-trumps-mar-a-lago-trips/515058001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.07.26

 

Senate Republicans voted Tuesday afternoon to advance to floor debate on their effort to hurt millions of people by repealing the Affordable Care Act thanks to a tie-breaking from Vice President and probable head vampire Mike Pence. Senator John McCain, recently diagnosed with brain cancer, returned to the Senate to vote to help ensure a tie-vote that Pence could break. It looked like Pence had the Senate in his thrall …

… But then a few hours later, the Senate voted 43 to 57 to decisively reject a Republican proposal to repeal-and-replace Obamacare, a sign of the chaos expected to envelop Capitol Hill as GOP leaders work to find a plan their conference can agree to.

Experts say that Pence plans to visit several Republican Senators in the middle of the night to drain their blood, in order to put them more closely under his thrall.

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Popular vote loser, Russian supported Presidential candidate and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп declassified a secret CIA program to arm Syrian rebels in a series of tweets attacking The Washington Post Monday night.

Трамп tweeted, “The Amazon Washington Post fabricated the facts on my ending massive, dangerous, and wasteful payments to Syrian rebels fighting Assad……” He went on to call the Post’s stories “Fake News” and accused the paper of being a “Lobbyist for Amazon and taxes.”

White House aides say that Трамп is planning to declassify other secret U.S. programs, but needs to confer with his manager, Russian President Vladimir Putin, on which program is the most important to reveal first.

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Secretary of State Rex Tillerson is “taking a little time off,” according to State Department spokeswoman Heather Nauert. The announcement was made amid reports that Tillerson was resigning as Secretary of State.

The State Department said that former Exxon CEO Tillerson just needs, “3, maybe 4 years to recuperate,” before he’d even THINK of going back to work.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Senate rejects proposal to repeal and replace Obamacare
http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/25/politics/senate-health-care-vote/index.html

Did Trump Declassify a Secret CIA Program With a Tweet?http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/did-trump-just-declassify-secret-cia-program-tweet-n786381

Sec. of State Tillerson ‘taking a little time off’ but not resigning
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/onpolitics/2017/07/25/rex-tillerson-taking-little-time-off/510355001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.07.25

 

CNN recently asked Senator Angus King (I-ME) which version of the GOP Senate health care plan he is going to vote on. Senator King answered with silence, then broke his silence by saying he knows almost nothing about the bill.

Meanwhile, Senator John McCain (R-AZ), recently diagnosed with brain cancer, is apparently planning on voting for the version of the bill that takes away the most health care from the most people in the country.

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Popular vote loser, Russian supported Presidential candidate and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп gave a speech to thousands of teenagers and young boys at the Boy Scout jamboree on Monday. Трамп used this as an opportunity to demand Hillary Clinton be locked up, and that Obamacare be repealed. The teenage boys in the crowd responded by chanting, “USA, USA,” after Трамп made his threats.

White House Aides say that the Boy Scouts are planning to rebrand themselves as the, “ТрампYouth,” sometime in September 2017.

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Infuriated by the ongoing Russia investigations, Donald Трамп attacked his own Attorney General and racist southern stereotype Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III on Twitter.

“Attorney General Jeff Sessions has taken a VERY weak position on Hillary Clinton crimes (where are E-mails & DNC server) & Intel leakers!” Трамп said in an early morning twitter meltdown. He quickly followed by tweeting,, “Jared Kushner did very well yesterday in proving he did not collude with the Russians. Witch Hunt. Next up, 11 year old Barron Trump!”

It’s unclear if Трамп knows what the definition is of the word collusion is. Aides say that Трамп believes collusion means, “Like when two cars run into each other, so he’s saying Kushner doesn’t even drive, so like how could he have been in a collusion?”

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Senator on health care bill: Silence
http://www.cnn.com/videos/politics/2017/07/25/angus-king-silence-on-health-care-vote-sot-newday.cnn

The dramatic return of John McCain
http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/25/politics/john-mccain-returns/index.html

Trump Talks Politics. With the Boy Scouts
http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/white-house/trump-talks-politics-boy-scouts-n786216

Trump attacks Attorney General Jeff Sessions for failing to investigate Hillary Clinton
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2017/07/25/trump-attacks-jeff-sessions-failing-investigate-hillary-clinton/507568001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.07.24

 

Jared “The Kush” Kushner gave a public statement about his four meetings with Russian officials during the 2016 Presidential campaign and said, “I did not collude.”

Collusion means, “secret or illegal cooperation or conspiracy, especially in order to cheat or deceive others.”

After being informed of the definition of collusion, The Kush said, “Oh, THAT’S what that word means. Yeah, I totally colluded with them, then, yeah.”

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Less than a week after revealing he is battling brain cancer, Senator John McCain (R-AZ) said today he will return to Washington on Tuesday to vote on Trumpcare, the bill that will take health care away from millions of people.

I guess if McCain votes for the bill, he’s basically saying, “Health care can’t help me, why should it help you?”

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Kushner confirms Russia meetings, says ‘all of my actions were proper’
http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/24/politics/jared-kushner-russians-statement/index.html

McCain to return to Washington for health-care bill vote
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2017/07/25/mccain-return-washington-health-care-bill-vote/507263001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.07.23

 

On CNN, Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) says that popular vote loser, Russian supported Presidential candidate and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп most likely has the power to pardon himself, but he would caution against it.

When asked what legal scholarship he could produce that would prove that, and whether or not he was aware of a 1915 Supreme Court decision that said Presidential pardons are themselves an admission of guilt, Paul said, “I’m an OPTOMETRIST. Therefore, I see all things clearly.”

He then asked the CNN host if number 1, or number 2, was more clear. Number 1? Number 2?

Number 1? 

Or number 2?

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Donald Трамп’s desire to deport and hurt immigrants in the United States has resulted in temporary reassignments of about one-third of the nation’s immigration judges, a move judges and activists say is only further backlogging already jammed immigration courts.

His orders hurt millions of people, from parents fighting to stay in the country and prevent their deportation to the people working for the courts who have to travel to maintain their jobs.

Трамп was unable to comment, due to a lengthy rest he was taking to prepare for his next early morning tweet storm about whatever.

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The sheer number of lawsuits related to Donald Трамп’s illegal policies and behaviors is straining the morale and resource of Justice Department lawyers, who must respond to each and every one. On a single day in March Solicitor General Jeffrey Wall, was forced to defend the policy in person in Maryland and by phone in Hawaii.

In related news, Donald Трамп has vowed to sue anyone who says he gets sued a lot.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Paul: Trump can probably pardon himself
http://www.cnn.com/videos/politics/2017/07/23/rand-paul-trump-pardon-sot-sotu.cnn

Trump Immigration Crackdown Straining Courts, Advocates Say
http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/trump-immigration-crackdown-straining-courts-advocates-say-n785396

‘SEE YOU IN COURT:’ Trump’s vow proves prophetic
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2017/07/20/lawsuits-against-president-trumps-policies-multiplying/490221001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.07.22

 

Minneapolis Police Chief Janeé Harteau resigned Friday, less than a week after a city officer shot and killed a woman who had called officers for help.

When asked why she didn’t feel the need to resign after the murder of Jamar Clark by her department, Harteau reportedly said, “That’s a good question–look, it’s Ellen DeGeneres!” then ran out of the room as soon as people turned.

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Director of National Intelligence Daniel Coats said yesterday that all U.S. Intelligence agencies agree that Russia used hacking and fake news to interfere in the 2016 presidential election, a conclusion that his boss, Popular vote loser, Russian supported Presidential candidate and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп, doesn’t agree with.

White House aides say Трамп may try to leak compromising intelligence on Coats to the news media, followed by a Twitter tirade demanding that leakers get punished fully!

After this, Трамп will fly to a hotel room in Moscow and say, “Daddy needs to be punished for leaking,” to two women standing on a bed that he paid to be there to do something I don’t want to type out, but that you probably figured out on your own by now.

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Feeling unhinged by growing pressure from the FBI’s investigation of Russian ties to his Presidential campaign, Donald Трамп went on a twitter tirade this morning and claimed, among other things, that a president has the “complete power to pardon.”

Aids say Трамп will ask shadow President Steve Bannon to pardon him next Tuesday.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Minneapolis police chief resigns in wake of fatal shooting
http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/21/us/minneapolis-police-chief-resigns/index.html

Intelligence Director Says Agencies Agree on Russian Meddling
http://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/intelligence-director-says-agencies-agree-russian-meddling-n785481

In 2-hour tweetstorm, Trump claims a president’s ‘complete power to pardon’
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2017/07/22/2-hour-tweetstorm-trump-claims-presidents-complete-power-pardon/501887001/

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