YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.11.30

Army veteran Stephanie Kemplin told CNN that Senator Al Franken groped her in December 2003. Franken’s office said he takes thousands of photos with people and doesn’t engage in that kind of behavior, but takes the accusation seriously.

In related news, holy crap, Al Franken has apparently groped thousands of women while taking photos.

————

NBC News offered a set of tips for dieters on how to design a kitchen to help encourage weight loss. Among the tips they offered were …

  • Have a set of measuring cups and spoons
  • Place fruit on the counter
  • Hide the sugary stuff
  • Rearrange your pantry
  • Have an emergency stash
  • Confine food to the kitchen
  • Play music in the kitchen

So, basically, NBC News advice to dieters is to have a kitchen.
————

Russell Simmons stepped down from his various businesses and philanthropies following multiple accusations against him of sexual harassment.

In related news, Simmons is considering a new comedy show partnership with Bill Cosby called “The All Rapist Comedy Hour.”
————

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Army veteran says Franken groped her during USO tour in 2003
http://www.cnn.com/2017/11/30/politics/al-franken-groping-allegation/index.html

How to design your kitchen for weight-loss success
https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/7-ways-arrange-your-kitchen-weight-loss-success-ncna824546

Russell Simmons steps down from companies, name removed from ‘All Def Comedy’ amid accusations
https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/people/2017/11/30/russell-simmons-steps-down-companies-following-new-accusation-writer-jenny-lumet/908706001/

————

Catch up back issues of YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA on …

Advertisements

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.11.29

CNN senior producer Teddy Davis was fired Wednesday after complaints of sexual harassment from three women, according to the Washington Post.

Geez, all of these men getting fired for sexually harassing women! About time, although, you never know who’s next on the pervert jerk list. It’d be like finding out, that, like Matt Lauer from the Today show is terrible!

————

Matt Lauer was fired from the “Today” show after NBC News received a detailed report about sexual harassment by him against a female colleague.

Lauer reportedly went to a Hooters afterwards because, “everybody here seems to get me.”

Seriously, it’s like, is every guy working in media a sexual predator or something? Next thing you know, we’re going to find out some boring Minnesota Public Radio guy is also terrible!

————

Garrison Keillor, creator of A Prairie Home Companion, has been fired from Minnesota Public Radio after numerous reports of sexual harassment came out about him.

Keillor gave remarks to reporters rebutting the charge in the form of a lengthy homespun monologue, but no one remembers what he said because everyone present fell asleep.

————

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Teddy Davis, Jake Tapper’s ‘State of the Union’ producer, fired from CNN after misconduct accusations
http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/tv/cnn-producer-teddy-davis-fired-harassment-accusations-article-1.3666117

Transcript: ‘Today’ anchor Matt Lauer fired by NBC News
https://www.nbcnews.com/storyline/sexual-misconduct/transcript-today-anchor-matt-lauer-fired-nbc-news-n825011

Garrison Keillor fired for alleged ‘inappropriate behavior’ by Minnesota Public Radio
https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/people/2017/11/29/garrison-keillor-fired-alleged-improper-behavior-minnesota-public-radio/905491001/

————

Catch up back issues of YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA on …

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.11.28

Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer said that they won’t attend a previously scheduled meeting with Donald Трамп he tweeted the meeting likely wouldn’t result in a deal about funding the government.

Трамп plans to later tweet he would meet with Pelosi and Schumer if they bring him ice-cream. White House aides say Трамп may also ask for balloons, but only, “the good kind with helium.”

————

The Food and Drug Administration is warning everyone that dogs should not be given processed “bone treats” after receiving 68 reports of pet illnesses and deaths. The FDA didn’t list any specific brands that were poisonous to dogs.

The FDA promises to later name specific brands to the American public, “if you’re a good boy. Yes, if you’re a good boy we’ll tell you which treats not to feed your dogs, yes we will. Yes we will!”

————

Arby’s said Tuesday that it’s acquiring Buffalo Wild Wings for $2.4 billion in cash.

After the merger, fast-food eaters will later acquire twice the possibility of diarrhea!

————

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Schumer and Pelosi ditch Trump meeting
http://www.cnn.com/2017/11/28/politics/chuck-schumer-nancy-pelosi-bipartisan/index.html

Processed bone treats may be deadly for dogs, FDA warns
https://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-news/processed-bone-treats-may-be-deadly-dogs-fda-warns-n824791

Arby’s to acquire Buffalo Wild Wings for $2.4B in restaurant shakeup
https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/2017/11/28/arbys-buffalo-wild-wings/900520001/

————

Catch up back issues of YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA on …

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.11.27

After human paraquat Donald Трамп attacked press outlets over the weekend, former CIA and National Security Agency Director Michael Hayden said he could not believe the President was capable of “such an outrageous assault” on the First Amendment.

“If this is who we are or who we are becoming, I have wasted 40 years of my life,” Hayden tweeted over the weekend.

I guess Hayden is wishing he’d went ahead and become an architect like he always dreamed.

————

Russian election influence, the ever-widening sexual harassment scandal, mass shootings and the opioid epidemic helped elevate the word “complicit” as Dictionary.com’s word of the year for 2017.

The runner-up word of the year was a picture of Donald Трамп captioned “Jerk.”

————

Tufts University postponed an event featuring Anthony Scaramucci after the former White House communications director threatened to sue a student over an opinion piece published in the school newspaper.

The Mooch plans on suing a high-school next for posting an inaccurate lunch menu.

————

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Ex-CIA Director Hayden blasts Trump’s CNN attack
http://www.cnn.com/2017/11/27/politics/michael-hayden-criticizes-trump/index.html

‘Complicit’ is word of the year, according to Dictionary.com
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/complicit-word-year-according-dictionary-com-n824121

Tufts University postpones Anthony Scaramucci event after he threatens to sue student
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2017/11/27/tufts-university-postpones-anthony-scaramucci-event-after-he-threatens-sue-student/896885001/

————

Catch up back issues of YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA on …

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.11.26

Democratic mega-donor and billionaire environmentalist Tom Steyer on Sunday defended his $20 million national television and digital ad campaign calling for Congress to impeach Donald Трамп, saying ” … to sit here and wait doing absolutely nothing is the wrong thing to do. The American people want this man impeached.”

Republican members of Congress disagreed, and felt continuing to do nothing was the right thing to do. Some are considering taking up golf!

————

Rep. John Conyers, D-Mich., stepped down as the ranking Democratic member of the House Judiciary Committee on Sunday, following sexual harassment accusations.

Republicans plan to replace Conyers with a ranking member from their own party that doesn’t yet have a public sex assault scandal.

————

USA Today reported that the price of pneumococcal vaccine Prevnar 13 is going up.

Most Americans responded to the news by asking in a panic, “What’s pneumococus? Do I have it? Is that why my feet smell?”

————

FYI: The Pneumococcal vaccine protects against pneumonia and other ear infections. It’s sort of like a theoretically one-time only flu shot, except with a fancier name and much higher price-tag.

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Tom Steyer defends $20M ad campaign calling to impeach Trump
http://www.cnn.com/2017/11/26/politics/tom-steyer-defends-impeachment-ads/index.html

Rep. John Conyers steps down from committee leadership position amid harassment accusations
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/nancy-pelosi-john-conyers-deserves-due-process-n823991

Cost of pneumococcal vaccine keeps rising
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/health/2017/11/26/cost-pneumococcal-vaccine-keeps-rising/892612001/

————

Catch up back issues of YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA on …

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.11.25

Paul Manafort traveled to Russia at least 18 times prior to joining Donald Трамп’s Presidential campaign, and was in frequent contact with Vladimir Putin’s allies for nearly a decade as a consultant in Russia, according to a new report by CNN.

The White House says those trips were just to purchase Manafort’s favorite caviar, which he can only get from Putin.

————

Donald Трамп cut off weapons supplies to Kurdish fighters in Syria in a move to placate Turkey. Those Kurdish fighters have borne most of the fight against ISIS in Syria.

Donald Трамп was confused by the need to placate Turkey, since earlier in the week he had already pardoned two Turkeys for Thanksgiving.

————

Richard Cordray stepped down from the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau friday, and named Leandra English, the agency’s chief of staff, as deputy director. Under the Dodd-Frank Wall Street reform act that created the bureau in the wake of the 2007 recession, the appointment makes English the new acting director.

Donald Трамп is expected to name someone unqualified and slimy to fill the post. Possible candidates include Kid Rock, the corpse of Leona Helmsley, and the J.P. Moneybags character from Monopoly.

————

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

McClatchy report details alleged Manafort flights to Russia, Ukraine
http://www.cnn.com/2017/11/24/politics/paul-manafort-russia/index.html

Turkey ‘very happy’ as U.S. stops arming Kurds in Syria
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/u-s-stop-arming-kurds-syria-n823866

Consumer watchdog agency’s future uncertain amid leadership fight
https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/2017/11/25/consumer-watchdog-agencys-future-uncertain-amid-leadership-fight/894470001/

————

Catch up back issues of YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA on …

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.11.24

Michael Flynn’s lawyers told Donald Трамп’s legal team that they’re no longer able to share information related to Robert Mueller’s ongoing Russia probe.

Donald Трамп responded to the news by throwing a turkey leg at a TV playing Fox News then declaring, “I’ll give him a Russia probe!”

————

General John Nicholson, America’s top commander in Afghanistan, told NBC News Thursday that the war there remains in a “stalemate,” but that new authority he’s been given over the last 90 days have reversed a decline in the U.S. position.

Average Americans responded to the news by saying, “Afghanistan? Why are we still at war there?”

Трамп supporting Americans responded to the news by saying, “Donald is going to get Osama Bin Laden for sure!”

————

A North Korean soldier who was shot and wounded as he fled across the border to South Korea is a “nice guy” who appreciates American TV shows, western-style pop music, and American movies, according to the doctor treating him. He admitted to liking the comedy film Bruce Almighty starring Jim Carrey.

U.S. officials remain suspicious that the solider may be a double-agent, due to an additional comment he made to the doctor saying that he, “loved The Cable Guy, too.”

————

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Flynn’s lawyers no longer sharing information with Trump’s legal team
http://www.cnn.com/2017/11/23/politics/michael-flynn-donald-trump-robert-mueller-new-york-times/index.html

‘Still in a stalemate,’ top U.S. commander in Afghanistan says
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/national-security/still-stalemate-says-top-u-s-commander-afghanistan-n823671

North Korean soldier who defected ‘nice guy’ who likes ‘CSI,’ pop music
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2017/11/24/north-korean-soldier-who-defected-nice-guy-who-likes-csi-pop-music/892025001/

————

Catch up back issues of YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA on …

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.11.23

It’s Thanksgiving. I’m torn on this holiday. The way we celebrate it in this country, we use today as a way to express gratitude and be with family. We also use it as a way to overindulge, and forget. The biggest thing we forget on days like to day is the same thing we try to forget, which is what happened to the people already living here when our ancestors arrived.

Some of our ancestors came here willingly. Some by force. But we’re all here, now. And like any day, what happens today is really all about what we want to do with the day, nothing more or less than that.

Over a year ago, I started writing three jokes a day (more or less) based on headlines. Then, after Trump won the Electoral College vote and lost the popular vote by 3 million people, it turned into this strange record of the last year’s news. I hope I’m getting better at these jokes as time goes on; that’s part of the point.

But this other, stranger point is in-between the lines, too. This weird record of our national headlines in the era of Trump, coupled with some snarky, dumb comebacks to those headlines essentially.

So, I’m grateful that I’m here, and that I’m writing these dumb things every day, and for all of the people fighting back against what’s happening to our country. What’s happened. The dark heart of it, uncovered. But so many people are deciding they aren’t going to be afraid, and there’s just enough of us fighting back that you can feel a change in the air.

Whatever you do today, I hope it involves kindness.

Me? I’m going to eat too much then try one more time to get on a treadmill tomorrow morning.

————

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

————

Catch up back issues of YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA on …

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.11.22

Donald Трамп insulted LaVar Ball, the father of UCLA basketball player LiAngelo Ball who was detained for shoplifting in China. The US State Department recently helped secure Ball’s release from Chinese authorities.

Трамп said, “LaVar is just a poor man’s version of Don King, but without the hair,” on Twitter.

Трамп later told White House staff, “And I never liked that Reading Rainbow show LaVar Ball did! And he was TERRIBLE on Star Trek!”

————

A half century after serving in Vietnam, test results show hundreds of veterans may have been infected by a slow-killing parasite while fighting in the jungles of Southeast Asia.

In related news, millions of American’s souls are slowly being killed by the parasites known as Donald Трамп’s family.

————

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Trump calls LaVar Ball an ‘ungrateful fool’
http://www.cnn.com/2017/11/22/politics/trump-lavar-ball-tweets/index.html

Hundreds of Vietnam vets infected by a slow-killing parasite
https://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-news/hundreds-vietnam-vets-infected-slow-killing-parasite-n823411

————

Catch up back issues of YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA on …

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.11.21

Diplomats at a UN Security Council meeting on human trafficking called Tuesday for investigations into slave auctions in Libya following a CNN report last week on the practice.

Later this year, CNN will report on the NFL draft in positive tones.

————

Donald Трамп pardoned two turkeys, Drumstick and Wishbone, in the Rose Garden today.

Aides say that Трамп plans on pardoning two other turkeys, Flynn and Manafort, as soon as he can get away with it.

————

CBS fired Charlie Rose and PBS dropped his long-running interview show on Tuesday, after an explosive report Monday in the Washington Post detailed years of sexual assault against dozens of women.

CBS and PBS will plan on keeping reruns of Rose’s shows off the air for at least a year, or until everyone forgets that he did this (whichever comes first).

————

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

UN Security Council seeks investigation into Libya slave trade
http://www.cnn.com/2017/11/21/africa/un-security-council-libya-slave-trade/index.html

Trump pardons two Thanksgiving turkeys, jokes about killing Obama’s birds
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/white-house/trump-pardons-two-thanksgiving-turkeys-jokes-about-killing-obama-s-n822951

CBS fires Charlie Rose after sexual-misconduct claims surface; PBS drops his show
https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/tv/2017/11/21/cbs-morning-addresses-charlie-rose-scandal-charlie-does-not-get-pass-here/884102001/

————

Catch up back issues of YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA on …