YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.01.31

the_donald_smells.png
The Donald seems like the kind of guy who pretends he hates the smell of farts, but really, really enjoys it. Especially his own.

Donald Трамп gave some kind of speech last night, but no one in their right mind trusts what he says or gives a crap about it.

If you see a loved-one praising the speech, check for signs that the person is suffering from crack addiction.

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A few weeks ago, Hawaii’s Emergency Management Agency activated an Emergency Alert that said North Korea had launched a nuclear missile at the island. The FCC just concluded it’s investigation, and discovered that the person who activated the alert …

  • … thought the missile launch was real
  • … was in a room with five other people who all heard an alert saying, “Exercise, Excercise, Exercise,” indicating the alert was a drill
  • … confused drills with real world events at least twice before
  • … got confused when he was presented with the option to choose between “drill” and “emergency” and chose emergency.

Based on his performance, the Трамп regime plans to give this employee the Nuclear Football for safekeeping.

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CDC Director Brenda Fitzgerald, in charge of regulating tobacco, bought shares in tobacco companies in August 2017, one month after she started the job in July 2017. She resigned from her job this morning after a report from Politico on her purchases.

Officials for the Трамп regime were disappointed in her resignation, saying it sets the wrong tone for the administration.

A spokesperson for the regime that sounded like Donald Трамп trying to do a fake Irish accent said, “She should have bought more stock, THEN deregulated, THEN sold her shares. THAT’S how you make money around here!”

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Here’s what went wrong with the Hawaii false alarm
https://www.cnn.com/2018/01/31/us/hawaii-false-alarm-investigation-findings/index.html

CDC Director Brenda Fitzgerald quits following report she bought tobacco shares
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/cdc-director-brenda-fitzgerald-quits-after-revelations-she-bought-tobacco-n843261

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.01.30

Amidst a sea of scandals involving men who abuse women, and men turning away from the abuse heaped on women by their fellow men, comes a story about Hillary Clinton, because of course it does.

Hillary Clinton explained on Facebook that keeping a senior adviser on her 2008 campaign who was accused of sexual harassment was a mistake. She said she wouldn’t make the same decision today.

Pundits believe this statement will put to rest any notion that the media will treat Hillary Clinton and other women fairly, since this is literally happening at the same time that Donald Трамп has over 20 women actively accusing him of sexual harassment right now.

THERE’S NO PUNCHLINE HERE! THIS IS JUST WHAT HAPPENS NOW! CAPS LOCK! !@#!@#!

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Donald Трамп is telling friends and aides in private that things are going great for him, leading some pundits to wonder if he’s delusional.

As my neighbor Gary put it, yeah, things are great for Donald Трамп right now. “That dude is making money hand over fist. He’s free, nowhere near a prosecution or jail cell. His Jesus supporters are letting him coast on multiple counts of adultery. And most of the newspaper and TV people just kiss up to him and just pretend he’s bad news,” said Gary.

It’s unlikely Gary will be interviewed by anyone from CNN, The New York Times, the Washington Post, NBC News, Fox News, The Young Turks, because he’s an old black dude who gives a lot of side eye.

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Black Panther, starring Chadwick Boseman as African king T’Challa, had its world premiere on Monday night in Hollywood. Early reactions praised the Marvel film for celebrating black excellence at a level never seen before in the genre. A lot of people are predicting Black Panther will render audiences speechless.

For most audiences, that speechlessness will come from the sheer awesomeness of the movie.

White nationalists will likely be rendered speechless by the movie, too, because even those guys will know deep down that saying, “What about a WHITE Panther movie?” sounds stupid.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Clinton says she wouldn’t keep faith adviser if she ‘had to do it again’
https://www.cnn.com/2018/01/30/politics/hillary-clinton-sexual-harassment/index.html

The ‘state’ of Donald Trump? He thinks it couldn’t be better.
https://www.nbcnews.com/storyline/2018-state-of-the-union-address/state-donald-trump-he-thinks-it-couldn-t-be-better-n842501

‘Black Panther’ first reactions: It’s ‘astonishing,’ ‘iconic’ and ‘will save blockbusters’
https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/entertainthis/2018/01/30/black-panther-first-reactions-declare-film-astonishing-iconic-and-save-blockbusters/1077768001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.01.29

A Russian Su-27 jet came within 5 feet of a US Navy surveillance plane while it was flying in international airspace over the Black Sea Monday, three defense officials told CNN.
Sources say the jet was just trying to get a paycheck from Russian President Vladimir Putin to Donald Трамп.

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TriStar Pictures is helping produce a biopic about Mr. Rogers called “You Are My Friend,” starring Tom Hanks.

In other news, I’m not crying from nostalgia and joy, YOU’RE CRYING SHUT-UP!

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FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe, who has been a target of unrelenting criticism from President Trump and some Republican lawmakers, abruptly announced his resignation Monday.

McCabe is using his accumulated leave time to qualify for full retirement benefits in March, in a move that most white collar job workers know as the, “Pay Me My Vacation Time Bitches!”

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Russian jet flies within 5 feet of US Navy plane, Pentagon says
https://www.cnn.com/2018/01/29/politics/russia-jet-us-navy-black-sea/index.html

Tom Hanks to play Mr. Rogers in biopic ‘You Are My Friend’
https://www.nbcnews.com/pop-culture/movies/tom-hanks-play-mr-rogers-biopic-you-are-my-friend-n842326

Andrew McCabe, FBI deputy director, steps down amid Trump and Republican criticism
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2018/01/29/andrew-mccabe-fbi-deputy-director-steps-down-amid-trump-and-republican-criticism/1075253001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.01.28

Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny has been released after he was arrested Sunday by the Putin regime during anti-Kremlin protests in Moscow. He was arrested during nationwide rallies protesting rigged presidential elections set to take place on March 18.

After being informed of the news, Donald Трамп said he’d like to arrest Hillary Clinton, then he said that idea was take news, then he flushed the toilet.

Then he went back to reading “Beetle Bailey.”

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IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad died today at the age of 91.

His family plans to have a quiet ceremony, and will honor him by using a small hex wrench to build his coffin.

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Comic strip artist Mort Walker, a World War II veteran who created “Beetle Bailey,” died Saturday at the age 94.

After being informed of the news that Mort Walker had died, Donald Трамп said that it was fake news because, “I’m reading Beetle Bailey right now, so how can he be dead?”

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny freed after being arrested during protests
https://www.cnn.com/2018/01/28/europe/russian-protests-navalny-office-intl/index.html

IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad dies at 91
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/ikea-founder-ingvar-kamprad-dies-91-n841746

’Beetle Bailey’ cartoonist Mort Walker dies at 94
https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/people/2018/01/28/beetle-bailey-cartoonist-mort-walker-dies-94/1072919001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.01.27

Yet another Republican has resigned from their job with the Трамп regime, this time, RNC finance chair and casino mogul Steve Wynn. He resigned amid controversy over sexual misconduct allegations.

Pundits were astonished that it took him this long to resign, with one saying, “Who does Steve Wynn think he is, Donald Трамп?”

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To make amends for calling several African countries, “shithole nations,” Donald Трамп sent a In a letter to African regional leaders saying he, “deeply respects” the people of Africa.

Donald Трамп also expects people to believe his hair is real, so …

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Donald Трамп is preparing a State of the Union address designed to outline his vision of a, “safe, strong and proud,” United States, officials said.

This message will be delivered by emphasizing the need for America to be, “white, white and white.”

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Wynn resigns as RNC’s finance chairman
https://www.cnn.com/2018/01/27/politics/wynn-rnc-finance-chair-resigns/index.html

Trump says he ‘deeply respects’ African people in letter to leaders
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/trump-says-he-deeply-respects-african-people-letter-leaders-n841596

‘Safe, strong and proud’ will be message of Trump’s first State of the Union, officials say
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2018/01/27/safe-strong-and-proud-message-trumps-first-state-union-officials-say/1070146001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.01.26

Air Force One is primed to receive an upgrade that will include new refrigerators expected to cost American taxpayers nearly $24 million.

When asked why the refrigerators were so expensive, a spokesperson for the Трамп regime said, “it costs a lot of money to put The Donald in gold leaf on every door and shelf,” before being whisked out of the room by agents of HYDRA.

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Speaking of Donald Трамп, did you hear what happened at Davos? He got a lot of boos for criticizing the media’s coverage of his presidency.

You know a dude’s in trouble when even the whitest of white people in Europe don’t like you.

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Hillary Clinton reportedly asked to keep adviser Burns Strider on her 2008 presidential campaign, despite accusations that he had sexually harassed a young woman.

Most media sources are planning to cover this story with three to six times the reporters they’re using to cover the 20+ sexual harassment claims against The Donald.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Air Force One’s new refrigerators cost $24 million
https://www.cnn.com/2018/01/26/politics/air-force-one-refrigerator-contract-boeing/index.html

Trump draws boos at Davos after criticizing the press
https://www.nbcnews.com/video/president-trump-booed-at-davos-after-criticizing-the-press-1146689603869?v=b

Report: Hillary Clinton protected aide accused of sexual harassment in 2008
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2018/01/26/report-hillary-clinton-protected-aide-accused-sexual-harassment-2008/1069313001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.01.25

Housing and Urban Development official Lynne Patton apologized for calling a member of the press “Miss Piggy” on Twitter Wednesday night.

Patton said she deleted the tweet “by choice.”

Later she told friends, “I forgot that calling women Miss Piggy is something only Donald Трамп is allowed to do.”

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According to the atomic scientists who run the metaphorical Doomsday Clock, the Earth is now just two minutes away from the apocalypse — thanks largely to Donald Трамп. The clock represents the moment the world could be annihilated by nuclear war.

In response, Donald Трамп told his staff not to worry, the clock will be set back a full hour once we start Daylight Savings Time in the spring.

When a staffer pointed out that Daylight Savings Time would move the clock ahead an hour, Donald Трамп farted and asked for a cheeseburger.

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In an interview with InStyle magazine published Thursday, Oprah Winfrey said she had no interest in running for President.

Aides say that Winfrey is more interested in becoming sovereign empress of Mars when she and other people move there with Elon Musk.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

HUD official apologizes for calling journalist ‘Miss Piggy’
https://www.cnn.com/2018/01/25/politics/lynne-patton-april-ryan/index.html

Doomsday Clock is now just two minutes from midnight
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/doomsday-clock-now-just-two-minutes-away-midnight-n841001

Oprah Winfrey on running for president: ‘It’s not something that interests me’
https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/entertainthis/2018/01/25/oprah-winfrey-running-president-its-not-something-interests-me/1064776001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.01.24

A suicide bomber attacked the offices of Save the Children in Jalalabad, eastern Afghanistan, Wednesday. 20 people were injured in the assault and 2 people were killed.

Save the Children believes that the office can be rebuilt for just $1.00 a day, which is less than the price of a cup of coffee.

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In Kentucky, a 15-year-old boy used a handgun to kill two students and wound 18 others at his high school.

In response, Donald Трамп said nothing. The White House is planning to release a statement of support for the NRA later to help them through these troubling times.

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Pope Francis is denouncing “fake news” as evil and is urging journalists to make it their mission to search for the truth.

In response to the Pope’s please, Fox News is planning to run an expose, “Is Pope Francis the head of PizzaGate? The REAL Russia scandal!”

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Attackers target Save the Children office in Afghanistan, killing 2
https://www.cnn.com/2018/01/24/asia/afghanistan-save-the-children-bombing-intl/index.html

Kentucky school shooting: Two dead after attack at Marshall County High School
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/one-dead-after-shooting-kentucky-high-school-multiple-victims-reported-n840171

Pope Francis: ‘Fake news’ is evil, journalists must search for truth
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2018/01/24/pope-fake-news-is-evil-journalists-must-search-for-truth/109761486/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.01.23

Former Democratic Representative. Patrick Kennedy, who was one of six members appointed to Donald Трамп’s opioid commission, told CNN that the commission is a “charade” and a “sham.” He added that, “Everyone is willing to tolerate the intolerable — and not do anything about it.”

When asked for a comment, a White House spokesperson said, “Oh, that’s just the drugs talking!”

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Former North Korean spy and mass murderer Kim Hyon-hui, who blew up a passenger jet in 1987 on orders from Kim Jong Il, says that Kim Jong Un has dark motives for sending North Korean athletes to the Winter Olympics.

According to Kim Hyon-hui, North Korea is, “… trying to escape the sanctions by holding hands with South Korea.”

Sources say that Kim Jong Un may also try to hold hands with Donald Трамп to end sanctions.

It’s unclear at this time who has the bigger hands.

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Salesforce CEO Marc Benioff told CNBC that Facebook is addictive and should be regulated like cigarettes.

“I think that you do it exactly the same way that you regulated the cigarette industry. Here’s a product: Cigarettes. They’re addictive. You know, they’re not good for you…There’s a lot of parallels.”

In related news, Facebook is planning to diversify itself with new versions, including “Facebook Light,” which reduces the amount of news that people will see in their feeds. A full-flavor version of Facebook will remain for consumers, along with a new “Facebook Menthol,” in March.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Opioid commission member: Our work is a ‘sham’
https://www.cnn.com/2018/01/23/health/patrick-kennedy-opioid-commission-sham/index.html

North Korean ex-spy Kim Hyon-hui casts doubt on Kim Jong Un’s Olympic motives
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/north-korea/north-korean-ex-spy-kim-hyon-hui-casts-doubt-kim-n839746

Facebook is addictive and should be regulated like a cigarette company: Salesforce CEO
https://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/news/2018/01/23/facebook-addictive-and-should-regulated-like-cigarette-company-salesforce-ceo/1059920001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.01.22

Top House Republicans are considering publicly releasing some of the underlying intelligence behind a memo spearheaded by Rep. Devin Nunes that alleges FBI abuses of surveillance laws.

When asked if the FBI abuses he wanted to outline includes harassment of Middle Eastern people and other immigrant groups, Nunes said, “LOL, of course not, we want that!”

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The Philippines raised the alert level at its Mayon volcano on Monday after a loud explosion in the wake of increased activity made a hazardous eruption likelier, prompting authorities to close all schools and urge residents to stay indoors.

Meanwhile, the White House raised alert levels about a possible explosion from Donald Трамп’s stomach after he ate one too many Big Macs this morning.

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Police are searching for a man seen running from the Eagle Ridge Mall in Lake Wales, Florida where two explosive devices detonated Sunday evening.

Local police are waiting to find out if the bomber was white or brown before declaring it a terrorist attack.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

GOP considers releasing intel behind memo alleging FISA abuses
https://us.cnn.com/2018/01/22/politics/gop-classified-intelligence-fisa-memo/index.html

Mayon volcano alert raised again, hazardous eruption believed imminent
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/mayon-volcano-alert-raised-again-hazardous-eruption-believed-imminent-n839791

Police: 2 IEDs detonated at a Florida mall, no injuries
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2018/01/22/police-2-ieds-detonated-florida-mall/1052954001/

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