YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.02.14

I’ve been behind on doing these postings. I don’t think anyone is reading them regularly. If you want to build an audience, you have to write for an audience, and this daily writing is really mostly for me. I’m working out how to tell dumb jokes, how to synthesize news into something funny, and growing a thick enough skin that nothing bothers me.

I didn’t write this on time this morning, and by the time I got to doing it, I heard about a school shooting in Florida. This is the 19th school shooting this year so far, and there’s been 45 days in the year. Every 2-3 days, we’re shooting each other up in a school.

I’m not a professional at this yet, and maybe the professionals can just plow through something like this. I don’t have it in me yet, maybe I never will.

So, I’d rather talk about Lando Calrissian for a while. I’m not doing this to be callous. I’m doing this because I don’t want to be a part of our national rituals about gun violence.

Be Lando Acceptable

Check out this new Lando Calrissian doll that’s coming out that’s based on the younger Lando played by Donald Glover in the new Star Wars movie SOLO.

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LOOK AT THAT SCARF! HOW FANTASTIC IS THAT SCARF? It’s simply Lando Acceptable


This is not a toy you buy. This is a toy that you ask, “Would you like to live with me?” In order to do so, you have to pay for the toy. You aren’t buying the toy, because look at Lando here. Lando could decide, “Yeah, nah, I don’t think me and you are a thing.” And that’s cool. He just means it in a friend way.

Don’t get me wrong, Lando is WAY cool. Way cool. Not in a snobby way, just in a cool way. He vibes on people. So if Lando, like, doesn’t vibe on you, he doesn’t vibe on you. I’m hoping Lando will vibe on me, and we can be friends.

If Lando comes to live at my house, I’ll check in with Lando when I wake up. If we’re vibing and friends, I’m sure Lando will be like, “You got this today man.” I’ll make sure Lando sees what I’m putting on, I’d want to make sure that Lando would look at my outfit and say, “Yeah, that’s acceptable.” I don’t want it to be work for Lando. Just something, if he’s into it, I want his opinion. Is this outfit I put together Lando Acceptable?

I think everything should work that way. Just, is this situation Lando Acceptable?

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This version of the Millennium Falcon is definitely Lando Acceptable, and is guaranteed to have zero Han Solo B.O. smell at this point in it’s history.

One thing that I know Star Wars nerds are on about is that in the new movie SOLO, the Millennium Falcon has this pristine makeover. The exterior is immaculate, the interior is spotless, it looks nothing like the hunk of junk that everyone has seen on screen in so many Star Wars movies and related stuff. The implication is that the Millennium Falcon that we’re seeing in SOLO is brand new, which is upsetting some people that care about things like canon. Star Wars is religions for a lot of folks, and anything that messes with the religion, causes upset.

Here’s the thing, though. The Millennium Falcon is an old ship. I guarantee in the movie that it’s not brand new. The name ‘Millennium Falcon’ – have you ever thought about what that name means? Millennium means ‘Thousand Years’ and a ‘Falcon’ is a kind of bird. Another way to translate that would be, “Old Bird.” As in, old man, gaffer, geezer. The name of the ship is literally a really goofball way to say geezer. It’s ALWAYS going to be an old ship on screen.

But the version we see under Han Solo’s care, the one with the rust, and scorch marks, the busted interior, the one that looks like it would probably smell bad if you were on it, that’s all about how Han Solo takes care of the Old Bird.

As an aside, Han Solo has B.O., and he knows he has B.O.. The way we know this is from an exchange between Han Solo and Princess Leia in the Empire Strikes Back …

Princess Leia: “Why, you stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder!”
Han Solo: “Who’s scruffy-looking?”

Now, Han Solo doesn’t deny being stuck-up, half-witted, or being a nerf herder. He denies being scruffy-looking. Meaning, he’s offended by the idea that he doesn’t look good. But if you think about it, a nerf-herder implies someone who herds some kind of farm animal like a nerf. That means it’s like sheep, or a cow or something. But in the Star Wars world, the animal is probably twice as big and twice as smelly as any farm animals. Have you ever herded farm animals? After you do the work for a while, you stink. Horses, cows, pigs, sheep, doesn’t matter, herding animals means you’re going to smell bad at the end of the day.

Han Solo does not deny that he’s a nerf herder. And that’s because he agrees with everyone that he has really bad Body Odor. In fact, he may be PROUD that he has bad Body Odor. That’s Han Solo. He’s your buddy with the fast car who smells really, really bad. He’s your friend that needs to shower every day to avoid smelling bad, but he’s also the friend who would say things like, “Why do I need to shower today? I’ll just need to do it again tomorrow.”

Lando, though, there’s no way that the Millennium Falcon would be Lando Acceptable in that kind of condition. He would never own a ship that smells like farm animals. The only way the Millennium Falcon would be Lando Acceptable is with an immaculate interior, and a stellar paint job and exterior. Think of it this way, if it was 2004, and the Millennium Falcon was a 1967 Ford Mustang, under Lando’s care, the Millennium Falcon would be a car you could see at a classic car show.

Under Han Solo’s care, that same 1967 Ford Mustang would have this awesome turbocharger that could explode any minute, and most likely, smells like some kind of pee that no one can identify. And no, it’s not from Chewbacca. Between the two of them, Han Solo is the one with the B.O.

If you think about it, the condition of the Millennium Falcon in The Empire Strikes Back makes Lando’s decision to work with the Empire sympathetic. I mean, if I had an awesome, beautiful ship like the Millennium Falcon, a true classic old bird, and then one of my buddies won it from me somehow, and then he proceeded to turn that car into a piece of junk? I might call the po-po on him, too, if given the chance.

But if you REALLY think about it, that’s one reason why Lando Calrissian is so fantastic. Despite what Solo did, turning his beautiful old bird into a pee-pee smelling junk pile, he helped his friend anyway. I mean, Lando was almost EATEN BY A TENTACLE MONSTER to save his friend with the B.O. who almost destroyed his ship.

That’s another thing that’s Lando Acceptable, helping your friends out.

Anyway, that’s the kind of life we should all strive for. One that’s all about helping your friends, taking care of things, and helping each other. That’s TRULY Lando Acceptable.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

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