YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.08.24

Attorneys for spy Maria Butina argued in a recent court filing she should be released from jail and placed on house arrest.

When asked where her house was, Butina said, “Russia.”

From an unspecified time in 2008, Sarah Palin claimed she could see Butina’s house.

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Allen Weisselberg, chief financial officer of the Трамп Organization, was given immunity by federal prosecutors in New York related to Michael Cohen breaking numerous campaign finance laws at the behest of Donald Трамп.

Prosecutors said they would do their best to also make Weisselberg immune to bullets.

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General Mills ordered its division to drop ‘100% Natural’ on Nature Valley granola bars after a lawsuit revealed the bars contain cancer-causing pesticides.

In related news, General John F. Kelly ordered White House officials to drop ‘100% Natural’ from any claims made about Donald Трамп’s hair.

In unrelated news, aids for Attorney General Jeff Sessions are 100% certain he’s an elf.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Accused Russian spy Maria Butina asks for house arrest
https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/24/politics/maria-butina-house-arrest-text-messages/index.html

Trump Org CFO Allen Weisselberg given immunity by prosecutors to testify
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/crime-courts/trump-org-cfo-allen-weisselberg-given-immunity-prosecutors-testify-n903566

General Mills drops ‘100% Natural’ on Nature Valley granola bars after lawsuit
https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/nation-now/2018/08/24/general-mills-drops-100-percent-natural-nature-valley/1082709002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.08.07

The City of West Hollywood voted unanimously to ask for Donald Трамп’s Walk of Fame star to be removed. The resolution is not legally binding.

In related news, the White House is planning to invade West Hollywood.

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A company in the Middle Eastern says they plan to tow icebergs northward so they can be turned into vast amounts of drinking water.

I don’t really have a joke here, just that, this is literally a plot point from a 1980s movie called ‘Brewster’s Millions.’ Yeah. In Brewster’s Millions, Richard Pryor plays this guy who has to spend $30 million in a month, and have no assets leftover afterwards. If he wins, he inherits $300 million. So, to win he has to make a ton of bad investments, and one of them is hauling icebergs. Which was like a thing in the 70s and 80s, people figuring out ways to haul icebergs for water.

Global Warming: making the 80s relevant!

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23-year-old Dutch college dropout Boyan Slat is deploying a 2,000-foot-long giant floating trash collector to try and clean up the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

The trash collector’s next target? The U.S. Congress!

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

City of West Hollywood calls for Trump Walk of Fame star to be removed
https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/07/politics/trump-walk-of-fame-star/index.html

How hauling icebergs could help sustain the world’s thirstiest regions
https://www.nbcnews.com/mach/science/how-hauling-icebergs-could-help-sustain-world-s-thirstiest-regions-ncna898036

A giant floating trash collector will try to scoop up the Great Pacific Garbage Patch
https://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/science/2018/08/07/giant-floating-trash-collector-heads-pacific-garbage-patch/831803002/

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