YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.08.24

Attorneys for spy Maria Butina argued in a recent court filing she should be released from jail and placed on house arrest.

When asked where her house was, Butina said, “Russia.”

From an unspecified time in 2008, Sarah Palin claimed she could see Butina’s house.

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Allen Weisselberg, chief financial officer of the Трамп Organization, was given immunity by federal prosecutors in New York related to Michael Cohen breaking numerous campaign finance laws at the behest of Donald Трамп.

Prosecutors said they would do their best to also make Weisselberg immune to bullets.

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General Mills ordered its division to drop ‘100% Natural’ on Nature Valley granola bars after a lawsuit revealed the bars contain cancer-causing pesticides.

In related news, General John F. Kelly ordered White House officials to drop ‘100% Natural’ from any claims made about Donald Трамп’s hair.

In unrelated news, aids for Attorney General Jeff Sessions are 100% certain he’s an elf.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Accused Russian spy Maria Butina asks for house arrest
https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/24/politics/maria-butina-house-arrest-text-messages/index.html

Trump Org CFO Allen Weisselberg given immunity by prosecutors to testify
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/crime-courts/trump-org-cfo-allen-weisselberg-given-immunity-prosecutors-testify-n903566

General Mills drops ‘100% Natural’ on Nature Valley granola bars after lawsuit
https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/nation-now/2018/08/24/general-mills-drops-100-percent-natural-nature-valley/1082709002/

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