YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.07.13

Robert Mueller indicted 12 Russian hackers for breaking into email servers belonging to the Democratic National Committee in 2016. The indictment references an unnamed individual who helped coordinate the release of the information; pundits believe this person is Roger Stone.

Stone is concerned that the release of the news will increase the number of talk show appearances he’s scheduled to be booked on in the next few weeks. “I’m tired!” he said while sitting in a makeup chair at CNN.

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A total lunar eclipse will turn the moon blood red later this month. The blood moon will be the longest total eclipse of this century.

White House aides say the blood moon is crucial to helping former Трамп advisor Steve Bannon find a new host body to inhabit.

“We can only do the demon ritual during a blood moon!” said a literal monster dripping with slime to members of NBC News.

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At least half of Twitter users spent time on Friday counting the ways that Donald Трамп insulted Queen Elizabeth during his recent state visit.

The other half of Twitter users were purged for being bots.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Roger Stone’s messages suggest he is unnamed person in new Russia indictment
https://www.cnn.com/2018/07/13/politics/roger-stone-russia-investigation-wikileaks/index.html

Total lunar eclipse will turn the moon blood red later this month
https://www.nbcnews.com/mach/science/total-lunar-eclipse-will-turn-moon-blood-red-later-month-ncna891191

Twitter counts ways President Trump ‘insulted’ Queen Elizabeth
https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/2018/07/13/twitter-counts-ways-president-trump-insulted-queen/784042002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.07.12

Former President George W Bush said he is “disturbed” by the abuse of immigrants taking place in the United States.

Bush said he’d be less disturbed by it if he was still President.

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Ohio authorities dropped charges against adult film star Stormy Daniels just hours after she was arrested during a performance at a Columbus strip club. She was arrested for letting a patron touch her without permission.

Never arrested for touching women without their permission? Still Donald Трамп!

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Massive protests are planning to greet Donald Трамп during his state visit to the United Kingdom. The protests include a giant balloon in the shape of him as a baby, vulgar crop circles, and a gathering of a few hundred thousand people.

Трамп plans to file a grievance over these incidents with his manager, Vladimir Putin.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

George W. Bush ‘disturbed’ by current US immigration debate
https://www.cnn.com/2018/07/12/politics/george-w-bush-bill-clinton-presidential-leadership-scholars/index.html

Sex-offense charges against Stormy Daniels dropped just hours after arrest
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/stormy-daniels-arrested-strip-club-charged-sex-offenses-n890791

‘@#$%! Trump’: Crop circle vulgarity to greet president as he flies to UK prime minister
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2018/07/12/crop-circle-vulgarity-carved-into-field-along-trumps-uk-flight-path/778127002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.07.11

Republican Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa said he’s nervous about the ‘detrimental’ effects of a trade war with China.

Grassley is perfectly calm about the detrimental effects of separating immigrant children from their parents, so, that should balance out his weekend anxiety.

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An Illinois Police Officer Patrick Connor resigned from his job for letting a drunk old white guy yell at a woman wearing a shirt with the Puerto Rican flag.

Connor plans to take a job in Boston, where that kind of thing is less frowned upon.

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The U.S. Army turned over the elderly parents of one of an active duty soldiers to ICE while the parents were visiting their son on base.

A spokesperson said that tomorrow, the Army will set a basket full of kittens on fire while children sing the Star Spangled banner.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

GOP Sen. Chuck Grassley nervous about ‘detrimental’ effects of trade war
https://www.cnn.com/2018/07/11/politics/chuck-grassley-trade-iowa-trump-cnntv/index.html

Officer resigns amid probe over lack of response to man harassing woman for wearing Puerto Rico shirt
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/latino/officer-resigns-amid-probe-over-lack-response-man-harassing-woman-n890781

Live stream: Daughter says Army turned parents over to ICE while visiting soldier son-in-law
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2018/07/11/family-says-army-turned-couple-over-ice-while-visiting-their-daughter-soldier-son-law/775148002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.07.10

On CNN today, Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar said Tuesday that his department’s policy of locking immigrant children in cages was, “one of the great acts of American generosity and charity.”

Azar was later seen eating the child of one of his neighbors to demonstrate, “loving kindness.”

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A 30 year old woman who beat a 92 year old man with a brick on the 4th of July was arrested. During the attack the woman told the immigrant man to, “Go back to his country.”

Local police weren’t planning to arrest anyone, but then found out the woman was black and felt okay about it. “Good thing she wasn’t a white lady, we’d have to let her go!” said one officer just before a fruit truck ran him over.

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Zsa Zsa, winner of the 2018 World’s Ugliest Dog, died at age 9.

Still alive? Donald Трамп, winner of the 2018 World’s Ugliest President!

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

HHS secretary: We’re performing great act of ‘generosity and charity’ for immigrant children
https://www.cnn.com/2018/07/10/politics/azar-hhs-child-separation-immigration-charity-cnntv/index.html

Man, 92, beaten with brick on street, told to ‘go back’
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/latino/man-92-brutally-beaten-street-told-go-back-your-country-n890146

Zsa Zsa, the World’s Ugliest Dog, dies at age 9
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2018/07/10/english-bulldog-zsa-zsa-worlds-ugliest-dog-dies-age-9/774009002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.07.09

Republican Congressman Kevin Cramer, who’s running for the Senate in North Dakota, said he told Donald Трамп to avoid making his Supreme Court nomination “some sort of affirmative action pick.”

When asked what he meant, Cramer said, “Let me be clear, I’m a racist, and I’m a sexist.”

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A police officer in El Paso, Texas, was placed on administrative leave after a video showing him pulling a gun on a group of young children was viewed 4.7 million times.

El Paso police regret the incident, and hope future incidents of police violence don’t go viral.

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Researchers in Finland have discovered Clistopyga crassicaudata, a new species of wasp in the Amazon that has a giant stinger.

Upon hearing the news, a local dad exclaimed, “They should call that wasp a Mueller!” When his children asked, “Why would they call that wasp a Mueller?” The unnamed local dad exclaimed, “Because Mueller’s prosecuting a giant sting!”

The audible groan from this dad joke was heard up to 80 miles away.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

GOP Senate candidate Kevin Cramer: I told Trump to avoid ‘affirmative action pick’ for Supreme Court
https://www.cnn.com/2018/07/09/politics/kevin-cramer-trump-supreme-court-affirmative-action-north-dakota-senate/index.html

El Paso, Texas, officer under review after pulling gun on children
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/el-paso-texas-officer-under-review-after-pulling-gun-group-n889796

‘Fierce weapon’: New wasp species with giant stinger discovered in Amazon region, scientists say
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2018/07/09/new-wasp-species-giant-stinger-found-amazon-scientists-say/767247002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.07.08

In Thailand, the first four of the boys soccer team trapped in a cave were rescued this morning. According to Donald Трамп, the US government has been aiding in the rescue effort.

In the United States, a few thousand immigrant children remain trapped in immigrant detention facilities. According to Donald Трамп, it’s a totally different situation.

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A person driving the wrong direction on I-66 in Rosslyn, Virginia, crashed head-on into a car and injured two people this morning. A uniformed Secret Service officer noticed the same driver earlier travelling the wrong way on I Street Northwest in Washington, D.C. about 4:35 a.m. Sunday and gave chase.

The Secret Service told reporters, “We thought it was Melania again!”

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In his opinion piece for USA Today, evangelical Christian John Fea wrote that his fellow white evangelicals are afraid of the future, afraid to embrace change, and love Donald Трамп for the dark history he represents.

In response to this thoughtful piece, Americans everywhere asked, “Who’s John Fea?”

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Thai cave rescue underway
https://www.cnn.com/asia/live-news/thai-cave-rescue-live-intl/index.html

Wrong-Way Driver in Head-On Collision Closed I-66: Secret Service
https://www.nbcwashington.com/news/local/I-66-Rosslyn-Virginia-Crash-Secret-Service-487593821.html

White evangelicals fear the future and yearn for the past. Of course Trump is their hero.
https://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2018/07/08/evangelicals-support-donald-trump-out-fear-nostalgia-column/748967002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.07.07

House Freedom Caucus members are being urged to stand by Republican Representative Jim Jordan amid allegations that he knew about, but did not report, the sexual abuse of wrestlers he coached at Ohio State University in the early 1990s.

Representative Mark Meadows, who chairs the House Freedom Caucus, called on members to support Jordan, telling them, “We must stand together. We’ve all sexually assaulted someone. We’ve all covered up sexual assaults. Because if we can’t live together, we’re going to die alone. Yes, I just quoted Jack from Lost. Yes, we of the House Freedom Caucus argue with each other about the ending of Lost. Yes, I like the ending of Lost. Yes, I think you’re an idiot if you don’t agree with me. Yes, it’s a metaphor. But more importantly? If we don’t stand together to protect each other from the consequences of the sexual abuse we’ve committed and covered-up, who will? Also, I still think Sawyer should’ve ended up with Kate, it was weird that he ended up with Juliet, even though she’s super hot.”

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Secretary of State Mike Pompeo left Pyongyang Saturday after a 24 hour session of intense negotiations about taking apart North Korea’s nuclear weapons.

“We had many hours of productive conversations,” Pompeo told reporters shortly before departing for Tokyo. Meanwhile, North Korea said the talks were regrettable and unproductive.

Mike Pompeo was later seen by reporters eating a hot dog at Ronald Reagan international airport. He told reporters, “This is not a hot dog, it’s a meat carnival.”

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USA Today ran a stunning editorial this morning by Siddique Malik of The Courier-Journal Opinion. In the editorial, Malik said that the immigration crisis caused by the Трамп regime showed they acted like the Taliban.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions denied Malik’s claim, saying, “Look at my face. LOOK AT IT! Do I have a beard? Nope, clean shaven. Smooth as a baby’s behind. So, we’re definitely not the Taliban. Now, please leave me alone, I need to personally go to the border and rip a child away from her screaming parents and lock them in separate prisons.”

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

House Freedom Caucus members are urged to stand by Rep. Jim Jordan
https://www.cnn.com/2018/07/07/politics/jim-jordan-house-freedom-caucus-congress-gop-support/index.html

After Pompeo departs, North Korea calls talks with U.S. ‘regrettable’
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/secretary-pompeo-north-korea-vice-chairman-seek-clarify-their-positions-n889551

Donald Trump’s administration acts like the Taliban. The only difference? We voted for our leaders
https://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/nation-now/2018/07/07/trump-administration-democracy-taliban-immigrant-children-human-rights-column/760514002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.07.06

Three Central American parents are suing US immigration officials because they aren’t being given ample communication with their children.

Immigration official Skip Hoobless denied the claim, telling reporters, “What was good for me as a child is good for their children, I used to talk to my mom all the time using two cups and a string!”

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Republican Representative Jim Jordan of Ohio told Fox News on Friday that he never heard about members of the Ohio State University wrestling team being sexually abused by the team doctor.

“No one ever reported any abuse to me. I would have dealt with it,” Jordan told Bret Baier of Fox News.

Just after saying this, Jordan sneezed and blew mucus all over Baier. Jordan denied that Baier was covered in mucus and claimed, “It’s just love juice. That’s not snot. I didn’t sneeze. Love juice!”

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Kino Jimenez allegedly assaulted San Antonio, Texas teen Hunter Richard for wearing one of President Donald Трамп’s Make America Great Again hats and was arrested and charged with felony theft Thursday night.

San Antonio Police told reporters, “Regular people can’t just verbally assault people and take their property, who does this guy think he is, the President?”

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Y’know, if he keeps this up, Jim Jordan just might be an awful enough human liar that he could some day run for President. Watch our Трамп, there’s a new dummy in town!

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Separated migrant parents sue US immigration officials for more communication with children
https://www.cnn.com/2018/07/06/politics/separated-parents-children-border-lawsuit/index.html

Rep. Jim Jordan says he never heard locker-room talk of abuse by Ohio State doctor
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/rep-jim-jordan-says-he-never-heard-locker-room-talk-n889411

Suspect arrested after viral video shows teen attacked for wearing MAGA hat
https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/2018/07/06/teen-maga-hat-whataburger-theft/762422002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.07.05

Special counsel Robert Mueller’s team argued Thursday that Трамп campaign chairman Paul Manafort’s doesn’t need to be released from jail before his trial, despite pleas from his lawyer.

When the judge asked why Manafort needs to be released from jail, his lawyer said, “Because he really wants to get to Russia,” before he was shot by a dart gun and fell to the floor unconscious.

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Scott Pruitt’s replacement for head of the EPA is Andrew Wheeler, a former coal industry lobbyist.

Sources say in related staffing news, the new head of the Coast Guard will be a tiger shark.
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Speaking of awful people working for Donald Трамп, former Fox News executive Bill Shine has been hired as a senior White House communications aide. Bill Shine was ousted from Fox News for ignoring decades of sexual harassment claims from women.

Трамп is hoping Shine can do the same for the White House.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Mueller team argues Manafort should not be released from jail before trial
https://www.cnn.com/2018/07/05/politics/mueller-manafort-jail/index.html

Scott Pruitt EPA replacement Andrew Wheeler won’t be any better for environment, green groups say
https://www.nbcnews.com/science/environment/scott-pruitt-epa-replacement-andrew-wheeler-won-t-be-any-n889186

Donald Trump hires former Fox News executive Bill Shine as top communications aide
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2018/07/05/donald-trump-hires-ex-fox-news-executive-bill-shine/760120002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.07.04

It’s the Fourth of July today! People everywhere are planning to spend time with family, friends, and loved ones as they eat too much, drink beer and watch things explode in the sky.

White House aides say a group of Republican members of Congress are planning to spend time in Russia with Vladimir Putin on July 4th, so, I guess they’re also spending time with friends and loved ones.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Fort Worth Rep. Kay Granger in Moscow meeting with Russian officials ahead of Trump-Putin summit
https://www.dallasnews.com/news/politics/2018/07/03/fort-worth-rep-kay-granger-moscow-meeting-russian-officials-ahead-trump-putin-summit

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