YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.09.22

North Korea’s foreign minister warned Thursday that Pyongyang could test a powerful nuclear weapon over the Pacific Ocean in response to Donald Трамп’s threats of military action.

After being informed of the threat, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly had to hold back Трамп as he reportedly said, “Oh yeah? OH YEAH? WELL I’LL SHOW ‘EM! LET ME PUSH THE BUTTON! LEMME PUSH IT!”

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Over 1,000 volunteers and officials broke into cheers after they pulled a survivor from the rubble of a textile factory more than two days after it was obliterated by Mexico’s recent earthquake.

After hearing the news, a White House spokesperson promised that the Трамп regime would ensure the wall they want to build will prevent, “anything from Mexico, including Earthquakes, from crossing it!”

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Senate Judiciary Chairman and human dumpster fire Senator Chuck Grassley released a letter late Thursday to FBI Director Christopher Wray asking if agents ever warned Donald Трамп about possible attempts by the Russian government to infiltrate his campaign last year.

In the letter, Grassley claimed that in 2008, the FBI warned Senator John McCain’s Presidential campaign about ties his campaign manager had to Russian agents. Senator McCain denied that any such warning ever took place.

 

When asked why Grassley would make up such a fact, White House spokesperson Kellyanne Conway said, “Duh, to throw people off the trail of ties between the White House and Russia! A doydoydoydoy.”

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

North Korea could test hydrogen bomb over Pacific Ocean, says foreign minister
http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/21/politics/kim-jong-un-on-trump-comments/index.html?adkey=bn

Mexico Earthquake Survivors Rescued After 2 Days in Rubble
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/frantic-rescues-continue-mexico-quake-deaths-rise-273-n803641

Grassley asks FBI if Trump was warned of Russian efforts to infiltrate his campaign
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2017/09/21/senate-judiciary-chairman-asks-fbi-if-trumpever-warned-trump-russian-attempts-infiltrate-his-campaig/691650001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.09.12

The Wall Street Journal reported that members of Donald Трамп’s legal team believe that his son-in-law Jared Kushner should have stepped down from his role in the White House before reports about his failure to disclose contacts with Russians during the transition became public.

Reports say that the biggest impediment to Kushner stepping down was that no one is exactly sure what his job is.

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British billionaire Richard Branson proposed creating a “Disaster Recovery Marshall Plan” to help aid in the region’s recovery and reconstruction. “We must get more help to the islands to rebuild homes and infrastructure and restore power, clean water and food supplies,” Branson said.

Aides to the White House say that Donald Трамп is willing to get behind the idea if it’s called the “Donald Трамп is amazing and the greatest and saved the world Plan.”

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Hillary Clinton told USA TODAY she’s convinced that associates of candidate Donald Трамп helped Russia meddle in the 2016 presidential election.

“There certainly was communication and there certainly was an understanding of some sort,” Clinton told the paper in a far-ranging interview.

In response to these serious allegations, White House harpy Kellyanne Conway released a statement which said simply, “Нет, это не так. Мы должны поговорить о ее письмах, да?”

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Report: Some Trump lawyers thought Kushner should step down
http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/11/politics/jared-kushner-white-house-russia-investigation/index.html

Richard Branson Wants ‘Marshall Plan’ for Post-Irma Caribbean
https://www.nbcnews.com/storyline/hurricane-irma/hurricane-irma-aid-arrives-branson-calls-marshall-plan-n800216

Exclusive: Hillary Clinton says Trump associates helped Russia meddle in the 2016 election
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2017/09/12/exclusive-hillary-clinton-trump-associates-russia-sanders-democrat-president-losing-election-2016/649864001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.09.04

The revelation that Donald Трамп’s attorney reached out to the Kremlin for assistance in building a Трамп Tower in Moscow during Трамп’s presidential campaign shows that he’s dishonest, Democratic Representative Adam Schiff told reporters on Sunday. People in Brooklyn this morning had a different take on the revelation.

“Pretty sure almost every public statement Donald Трамп has made since the 1970s until the present show he’s dishonest, but we get what you mean Representative Schiff,” said one anonymous Brooklyn resident feeling hungover after Jouvert yesterday.

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Following U.S. warnings to North Korea of a “massive military response,” South Korea on Monday fired missiles into the sea to simulate an attack on the North’s main nuclear test site. South Korea’s military said its live-fire exercise was meant to “strongly warn” Pyongyang.

South Korea’s military has also been simulating Twitter attacks on their government made by Donald Трамп. The simulator is a tranquilized Orangutan who’s then given a dose of speed and handed a phone. 6 out of every 9 simulations ends with the Orangutan throwing feces at staff then screaming for an hour.

South Korea’s government feels that those 6 simulations are the best possible preparation for their presumed upcoming meetings with the American president.

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After months of uncertainty, President Trump will announce on Tuesday that he is ending the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals Program, known as DACA, a program that protects nearly 800,000 young undocumented immigrants from deportation.

When asked why Трамп would do something so needlessly cruel, a White House staffer sighed and said, “Because he’s a dickhead. We’re all dickheads. I work for a dickhead.”

The staffer was later seen drinking a bottle of scotch and calling her mom while her coworkers high-fived each other and threw ‘the shocker’ with glee.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Rep. Adam Schiff: Proposed Trump Tower in Moscow shows Trump was ‘dishonest’
http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/03/politics/adam-schiff-russia-cnntv/index.html

South Korea Simulates Attack on North Korea’s Nuclear Site After Test
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/north-korea-claims-h-bomb-test-experts-urge-trump-talks-n798431

Reports: Trump to end DACA, give Congress six months to act
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2017/09/03/trump-daca-deportation-protections-dreamers/622855001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.09.03

Last night, North Korea’s own version of Donald Трамп, President Kim Jong-Un, presided over the test of a massive underground nuclear weapon test. The test created a 6.3 magnitude earthquake.

Spokespeople for the White House say that they’re hopeful that the test will give Donald Трамп plenty of new slogans for the hats he sells. “If we get one hat into the webstore in time that says ‘Kim Jong-Unfit #MAGA’, that’s an early Christmas!” said human skeleton Kellyanne Conaway.

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China strongly condemned North Korea after the rogue nation tested a hydrogen bomb in an underground nuclear test. Russian President and Трамп supporter Vladimir Putin is meeting with Chinese President Xi Jinping to discuss the situation.

Donald Трамп is expected to stay at home and watch events unfold on Fox News, since his boss is already on the scene.

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In an attempt to stay calm, some Americans are trying to breathe normally and ask questions like, “What’s the difference between a Hydrogen bomb and a regular atomic bomb?”

To learn the answer that question, first, get a paper bag handy.

An atomic bomb, like the ones the United States dropped on Nagasaki and Hiroshima, each had a destructive power of 5 and 20 kilotons of TNT, respectively. To put that into context, the Mother Of All Bombs (MOAB) GBU-43, weighing just under 22,000 pounds, had a destructive power of 11 tons, which is 0.22% of the aforementioned 5 kiloton atomic bomb. Somewhere between 129,000 – 226,000 Japanese civilians were killed in those strikes at the end of World War II. The bomb uses nuclear fission to generate its destructive power.

At this point, breathe into the paper bag to prevent hyperventilation, then read on.

A Hydrogen bomb, like the kind just tested in North Korea, uses an atomic bomb as its triggering device. The nuclear fission generates a thermonuclear reaction as part of a two-stage fusion ignition process. In November 1952, the United States tested a Hydrogen bomb that generated 10,000 kilotons of destructive power. This is 500 times more powerful than the 20 Kiloton atomic bomb used during World War II.

If you feel nauseous, take a moment and throw up in the bag. Dispose of the bag, then get a new one. If you don’t feel like throwing up in a bag, go ahead and use a sink, your toilet, or even the floor. Whatever makes you feel comfortable.

It’s hard to estimate the number of people who would be killed in a Hydrogen bomb explosion. But it’s unlikely that any ballistic missile that North Korea produces would hit the United States. The more likely targets are South Korea and Japan, respectively.

So, “What’s the difference between a Hydrogen bomb and a regular atomic bomb?” The simple answer is, “Realistically, not a whole lot, because they’re both weapons that only lunatics would use in the 21st century.”

Happy Labor Day Weekend everybody! Stock up on paper bags!

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Nuclear test in North Korea: Live updates
http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/03/asia/north-korea-nuclear-test-live-updates/index.html

China ‘strongly condemns’ North Korea after hydrogen bomb test claims
https://www.today.com/video/china-strongly-condemns-north-korea-after-hydrogen-bomb-test-claims-1038603331521

Hydrogen bomb vs. atomic bomb: What’s the difference?https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2017/09/03/hydrogen-bomb-vs-atomic-bomb-whats-difference/629582001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.09.02

Speaking to students during a national “open lesson” from the city of Yaroslavl, northeast of Moscow, Russian President Vladimir Putin said the country that takes the lead in the sphere of computer-based artificial intelligence (AI) will rule.

“Artificial intelligence is the future not only of Russia but of all of mankind,” said Putin. “Whoever becomes the leader in this sphere will become the ruler of the world.”

A spokesperson for the regime of Donald Трамп agreed with Putin’s assessment. “I mean, look at what all of those Russian bots sending pro-Трамп propaganda to people in the U.S. did in 2016, it’s not like he–” the spokesperson began before being whisked out of the room by agents of HYDRA.

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In New York yesterday, an escaped cow rampaged through the streets of Long Island, darting through trees, trotting across streets and ramming into a police car before it was tranquilized.

One Brooklyn resident commenting on the situation who wished to remain anonymous said, “Tranquilized? That cow’s lucky she’s a cow, if she’d been a black dude … instant hamburger, know what I’m saying?”

Another resident pointed out that had the cow been a white dude, it probably still would’ve been tranquilized to widespread agreements and statements of, “M-hmm.”

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Donald Трамп’s longtime aide and bodyguard Keith Schiller intends to leave the White House at the end of September or beginning of October to pursue a job with a higher salary, CNN and Bloomberg reported Friday.

“Everybody’s grifting on this shift and getting rich but me … you make PEANUTS on a government salary here, PEANUTS. The big money is in, like, that thing the boss is doing where you go on tons of trips and get the Secret Service to rent Трамп hotel rooms at above market rates, then–” Schiller quipped to reporters before General John Kelly knocked him out and dragged him out of the room.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Who Vladimir Putin thinks will rule the world
http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/01/world/putin-artificial-intelligence-will-rule-world/index.html

Escaped Cow Rampages Through Long Island Streets, Takes out Police Car
http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/Escaped-Cow-Rampages-Long-Island-Takes-out-Police-Car–442512753.html

Reports: Trump aide Keith Schiller plans to leave White House
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/onpolitics/2017/09/01/reports-keith-schiller-trump-aide-to-leave-white-house/627203001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.08.26

Popular vote loser, Russian supported Presidential candidate and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп banned transgender people from the U.S. armed forces on Friday. He also banned the Department of Defense from providing medical treatment for transgender people serving in the military.

The US government will continue paying for whatever treatments are keeping Трамп’s hair alive.

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Literal Hungarian Nazi Sebastian Gorka, a national security aide to Donald Трамп resigned on Friday according to White House officials.

Gorka is moving on to a new position in HYDRA as their North American Supreme Commander. As he left the White House, Gorka told reporters that, “Keptin America vill RUE ZE DAY he crossed SEB GORKA AND HYDRA!”

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Donald Трамп pardoned former Sheriff Joe Arpaio for his criminal contempt conviction stemming from Arpaio’s illegal racial profiling activities.

“We’re very clearly Making America Great Again for racists,” a White House aide said to reporters before she was yanked out of the room by Walking Dead Zombie Kellyanne Conway.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Trump signs directive banning transgender military recruits
http://www.cnn.com/2017/08/25/politics/trump-transgender-military/index.html

Sebastian Gorka Is Out as Trump Aide
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/sebastian-gorka-out-trump-aide-n796196

President Trump pardons Joe Arpaio
https://www.usatoday.com/videos/news/nation/2017/08/25/president-trump-pardons-joe-arpaio/104963056/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.08.25

Hurricane Harvey is tracking to hit Texas shortly, and is currently graded as a Category 2 storm.

Reports say that Donald Трамп believes the hurricane is a hoax. “The weathermen, they ALWAYS get it wrong. Always get it wrong. It’s fake news. Let’s see both sides, folks, let’s see both sides. There’s good people on both sides of the hurricane debate, folks.”

Трамп is reportedly planning to meet with hurricane denialist Chester Fleekbottom, who promotes the “Hurricanes are really just special effects put on the Weather Channel” conspiracy.

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The Трамп regime slashed $200 million from the US Teen Pregnancy Prevention Program. The program was started in 2010, and renewed in 2015 for another five years. The budget cut means the program will end in 2018, instead of 2020.

When asked why the budget was cut, actual Nazi and HYDRA agent Seb Gorka said, “We must not cut down on pregnancies from ze master race! WE MUST INCREASE ZE BABIES OF ZE MASTER RACE! HAIL HYDRA!”

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USA Today asked the question today, “Are PopSockets the new fidget spinners?” Which prompts the question, what’s a PopSocket? Well, PopSockets are small decorative discs that stick to the back of a phone and can be pulled out like an accordion.

So, the answer to the question, “Are PopSockets the new fidget spinners?” is NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND CARES USA TODAY!

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Hurricane Harvey: Live updates
http://www.cnn.com/2017/08/25/us/hurricane-harvey-latest/index.html

Trump Administration Abruptly Cuts Funding to Teen Pregnancy Prevention Programs
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/trump-administration-abruptly-cuts-funding-teen-pregnancy-prevention-programs-n795321

Serena and Gigi have one. Are PopSockets the new fidget spinners?
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2017/08/25/serena-and-gigi-have-one-popsockets-new-fidget-spinners/598319001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.08.20

Talking trash-heap Donald Трамп wished walking pile of moldy spam Steve Bannon well upon his return to work at white nationalist website Breitbart News, tweeting Saturday, “Fake News needs the competition!”

Several activists wishing to remain anonymous agreed with Donald Трамп that, yes, Breitbart is Fake News.

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Satellite imagery recently revealed that a two-square mile section of Greenland has been on fire since July 31st of this year. The arctic island has been losing ice over the last few years due to global warming. The fire is the largest recorded in Greenland since 2000.

Top scientists at the United Nations believe that the fire is a portal to Hell that opened up to allow Steve Bannon to return home in anticipation of his White House resignation.

Greenland’s top demonologist Ajiaĸ Lundblad disagrees that the Hell Portal opened up for Steve Bannon. Lundblad told reporters that, “I’m pretty sure this portal is for that HYDRA Nazi guy Seb Gorka.”

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Comic trailblazer and civil rights activist Dick Gregory died on Saturday at age 84.

After being informed of the news, Donald Трамп said, “I thought that guy’s name was Frederick Douglass?”

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Trump to Bannon on Breitbart gig: ‘Fake News needs the competition’
http://www.cnn.com/2017/08/19/politics/trump-tweets-good-luck-bannon/index.html

An Unusually Large Wildfire Has Burned for Weeks in Icy Greenland
http://www.nbcnews.com/science/science-news/unusually-large-wildfire-has-burned-weeks-icy-greenland-n793511

Dick Gregory, legendary comic and civil rights activist, dies at 84
https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/people/2017/08/19/dick-gregory-legendary-comic-and-civil-rights-activist-dies-84/583899001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.08.18

Steve Bannon returned to Breitbart News as executive chairman on Friday following his resignation from the White House and chaired the white nationalist news organization’s evening editorial meeting.

Sources say that Bannon is using a temporary sarcophagus to sleep in until his full chamber can be moved from the White House bowling alley back to Breitbart News. A spokesperson for Breitbart told news sources that, “It’s tricky moving Bannon’s sleeping chambers. You have to do all of these demon rites, if you get one wrong, you can get sucked into a hell dimension.”

Bannon will continue using Kellyanne Conway as his horcrux despite leaving the White House.

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A group of white nationalists calling themselves simply “libertarians and conservatives” is planning a “Boston Free Speech Rally” this weekend.

The “rally” is “expected” to be about “family values” like “reverse-racism is real” and “How to be an Alpha Male and red pill your way to bedroom success.”

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Billionaire Carl Icahn Friday announced his departure as a special adviser to President Trump on regulatory reform, saying he wanted to avoid “partisan bickering” that “cloud” the White House administration.

After the announcement, millions of Americans asked outloud, “Who’s Carl Icahn?”

Seriously, what does that guy do?

FYI: Whoever knows the answer to “Who’s Carl Icahn” is probably the one friend that like, always figures out how much everyone owes for the tip when you eat out together.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Steve Bannon returns to Breitbart after ouster from White House
http://money.cnn.com/2017/08/18/media/steve-bannon-returns-breitbart/index.html

Thousands Expected to Attend Boston Protests of Right-Wing Rally
http://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/after-charlottesville-thousands-expected-attend-boston-counter-protests-right-wing-n793756

Carl Icahn steps down as special regulatory adviser to President Trump
https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/2017/08/18/carl-icahn-steps-down-special-regulatory-adviser-president-trump/581733001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.08.14

The white nationalist who killed Charlottesville activist and resident Heather Heyer on Saturday by running over her with a Dodge Charger held extreme views, one of his former teachers told CNN on Sunday.

Derek Weimer, the former social studies teacher of the suspect, told CNN that the murderer, “… really had a fondness for Adolf Hitler.”

After being informed of the news, an official in the Трамп regime said, “What’s the big deal, a lot of have fondness for Adolf Hitler, too?” before being rushed away by agents of HYDRA.

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USA Today reported that many of the voters who backed popular vote loser, Russian supported Presidential candidate and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп but some are growing concerned with the way he’s doing the job of President.

So far unconcerned? Core Трамп supporters like Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard David Duke!

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Current Vice President and possible head vampire Mike Pence defended Donald Трамп‘s response to the deadly violence at a white nationalist rally in Charlottesville, Virginia, than on condemning the violence itself. Трамп claimed that the problem was violence, “on all sides,” rather than violence from White Nationalists.

Pence said he took issue with, “the fact that many in the media are spending more time criticizing how the president addressed the issue yesterday.”

When someone pointed out that news media like The Daily Stormer, a neo-Nazi website, praised Трамп’s remarks for not singling out American Nazis despite all the violence they engaged in, Pence bit the neck of a White House intern, drained their blood, then hissed as he turned into a cloud of smoke and left the room.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Teacher: Charlottesville car crash suspect discussed radical views
http://www.cnn.com/2017/08/12/us/charlottesville-car-crash-suspect-idd/index.html

Trouble in Trumpland: The president’s core supporters begin to worry
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2017/08/14/trumps-core-supporters-begin-worry-future-success/561903001/

Pence Defends Trump From Critics of Charlottesville Remarks
http://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/pence-defends-trump-critics-charlottesville-remarks-n792291

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