YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.06.20

CNN correspondent and human armpit stain Corey Lewandowski refused to apologize Wednesday after he said, “Womp womp,” while Democratic National Committee adviser Zac Petkanas shared an anecdote about a 10-year-old girl with Down syndrome who had been taken from her mother at the southern border by US agents.

CNN plans to continue booking Lewandowski on their shows, banking that the ratings he’ll generate is worth keeping a sociopath on payroll.

————

Speaking of sociopaths, it looks like “great businessman” Donald Трамп has stuck America with yet another lousy deal thanks to his bad policies. It turns out that it costs $775 per child, per night to house migrant children forcibly separated from their parents.

It costs between $256 – $298 per person, per night to keep children with their parents. It also goes without saying that it would cost the government nothing not to put any of these families into privately-contracted government facilities in the first place.

When asked for a comment on the cost of the housing, a spokesperson for HHS said, “Well of course we’re paying more, how else are people going to cash in on this policy if we don’t?” before being whisked out of the room by agents of HYDRA.

————

On the lighter side of the news, Hola! USA reports that Eva Longoria and her husband José Bastón welcomed their son 6lb, 13oz son Santiago Enrique Bastón Tuesday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.

Upon hearing the news, White House official and Skeletor impersonator Stephen “I’m an Actual Nazi” Miller told his staff that he hopes to kidnap Santiago within a week and place him in custody. “I’m a horrible human being!” Miller said as he bit the head off of a puppy for the amusement of Donald Трамп.

————

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Lewandowski refuses to apologize for ‘womp womp’ comment
https://www.cnn.com/2018/06/19/politics/corey-lewandowski-undocumented-immigrant-womp-womp/index.html

Trump admin’s ‘tent cities’ cost more than keeping migrant kids with parents
https://www.nbcnews.com/storyline/immigration-border-crisis/trump-admin-s-tent-cities-cost-more-keeping-migrant-kids-n884871

Eva Longoria and husband Jose Baston welcome a baby boy
https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/people/2018/06/20/eva-longoria-husband-jose-baston-baby-boy-son/717048002/

————

Catch up back issues of YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA on …

Advertisements

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.05.26

A surprise meeting between South Korean President Moon Jae-In and North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un just happened in the Korean Demilitarized Zone. This is the second this month, and the first to happen after Donald Трамп abruptly canceled a summit meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un.

Трамп told his staff, “If they want to meet without me, it’s no big deal. Whatever. I can meet with other people if I wanna. I want ice cream. Can I have a hamburger? No, I don’t want a hamburger I want a cheeseburger! Get me ice cream on a cheeseburger now Now NOW!”

————

NBC News recently reviewed the movie ‘Solo: A Star Wars Story’ and said it’s a great show but a terrible experience.

In related News, Stormy Daniels reviewed Donald J Трамп and said the same thing.

————

Alan Bean, the fourth man to walk on the moon, died on Saturday at age 86.

Aides say Donald J Трамп plans to talk with Sean Hannity before bed tonight to decide when to declare the Moon Landing fake news.

————

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

North and South Korean leaders hold surprise meeting
https://www.cnn.com/2018/05/26/politics/north-and-south-korean-leaders-meet-again/index.html

‘Solo: A Star Wars Story’ is a great show but a terrible film
https://www.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/solo-star-wars-story-great-show-terrible-film-ncna877711

Alan Bean, 4th man to walk on the moon, dies at 86
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2018/05/26/alan-bean-4th-man-walk-moon-dies-86/647507002/

————

Catch up back issues of YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA on …

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.03.12

Responding to customer pressure, Army and Air Force Exchange Service stores Monday reversed their decision to stop selling high capacity ammunition magazines just 10 days after they were removed from 72 military Post Exchanges across the United States. Customers told the exchange that they were using the high-capacity magazines as “supplemental” gear for their military issued gear.

As former Army corporal H.S. Puttgrass told a reporter, “We might get another Obama in the White House and I want to be ready, wait a minute, are you a reporter, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME YOU COMMIE!”

————

House Republicans investigating foreign interference in the 2016 election say they have found no evidence that Russians colluded with Donald Трамп’s campaign.

In a related report, house Republicans also concluded that John F. Kennedy was responsible for his own assassination. “President Kennedy was clearly the second shooter,” said Congressman Devin Nunes.

————

Newly declassified video and audio show U.S. Navy pilots encountering a high speed aircraft gliding along the water without wings, tail or visible means of propulsion.

“What … is that thing?” one pilot can be heard saying in the video.

A top intelligence official speaking on condition of anonymity told reporters that it wasn’t a UFO, it was the secret system used to transport the yak hair used to make Donald Трамп’s wigs.

————

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Military exchanges reverse decision to stop selling high capacity magazines
https://www.cnn.com/2018/03/12/politics/military-exchange-high-capacity-magazine-reversal/index.html

House Republicans say investigation found no evidence of Russia-Trump collusion
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/house-republicans-say-investigation-found-no-evidence-russia-trump-collusion-n855986

UFO encounter? New footage shows U.S. Navy pilots’ apparent sighting of alien craft near East Coast
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2018/03/12/ufo-encounter-new-footage-shows-u-s-navy-pilots-apparent-sighting-alien-craft-near-east-coast/415951002/

————

Catch up back issues of YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA on …

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.02.05

real_hair_sparrow.png
This doesn’t have anything to do with the stories today, just pointing out something obvious.

Donald Трамп’s nominee to be the ambassador to Barbados, Saint Kitts and Nevis, Saint Lucia, Antigua and Barbuda, the Commonwealth of Dominica, Grenada, and Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Leandro Rizzuto Jr., spread fringe conspiracy theories on Twitter.

When asked why Rizzuto got the nomination, a White House spokesperson said, “because he spread fringe conspiracy theories on Twitter.”

————

Speaking of nuts, Donald Трамп called Democrats’ stone-faced reaction to his State of the Union address “treasonous” and “un-American” during a visit to a manufacturing plant in Cincinnati, Ohio Monday.

He said he was willing to change his mind on the subject if everyone agrees to buy a MAGA hat and a timeshare Трамп condo in a Russian city to be named later.

————

Still speaking of nuts, Donald Трамп again attacked the Russia investigation on Monday, this time targeting Rep. Adam Schiff of California, the top Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee. Трамп called Schiff “one of the biggest liars and leakers in Washington,” and, “Little Adam Schiff.”

When asked if he understood the definition of irony, Трамп said, “You tell me, folks, you tell me,” then farted loudly and walked out of the room ‘for a meeting.’

He spent the rest of Monday on his favorite gold toilet, trying to find words that rhyme with ‘Little.’

————

The thing I always try to remember about The Donald is that he expects people to believe his hair is real. I mean, that’s the first lie, right? I’m bald, I know what it looks like, and I don’t hide it. But this dude, he expects people every day to go, “you look great!” even though he looks ridiculous. That’s why it’s always crazy to me when he calls other people liars, while he’s looking at reporters who are looking at his ‘hair’ which is itself a big lie!

Anyway, have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Trump ambassador nominee promoted fringe conspiracy theories on Twitter
https://www.cnn.com/2018/02/05/politics/kfile-caribbean-ambassador-twitter/index.html

 

Trump: Democrats muted State of the Union reaction ‘treasonous,’ ‘un-American’

https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/white-house/trump-tags-democrats-treasonous-un-american-muted-sotu-reaction-n844851

 

Trump attacks Adam Schiff as ‘liar’ and ‘leaker’ as Democrats seek to counter Nunes memo

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2018/02/05/trump-attacks-adam-schiff-liar-and-leaker-democrats-seek-counter-nunes-memo/306328002/

 

————

Catch up back issues of YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA on …

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.02.04

Miguel Perez Jr., a US Army veteran who served two tours of duty in Afghanistan, will be deported by the Трамп due to a felony drug conviction in 2010.

When asked to comment, Donald Трамп said, “Well, that’s what he gets for fighting for his country! He should’ve done what I did, and get out of it by pretending he had bone spurs,” before he was quickly led out of the room by General John Kelly.

Aides say that Kelly plans to take away The Donald’s ice cream privileges for the month, “to remind him to stay on script.”

————

Former CIA Director John Brennan said House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes “abused” his office by issuing a memo with intelligence information.

Congressional staffers say that Nunes also likes to abuse himself in the bathroom every time he hears his name in the news.

————

It’s the Superbowl today! Whoever wins, just know, there’s probably going to be a riot led by white people that gets called, “excited celebration,” by every news outlet, except for in black neighborhoods where local police will probably show up with tear gas.

Enjoy eating a whole jar of Queso!

————

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Veteran who served two tours in Afghanistan could be deported
https://www.cnn.com/2018/02/04/us/ice-possible-deportation-veteran/index.html

Ex-CIA Director Brennan says Nunes “abused” his office with memo
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/first-read/ex-cia-director-brennan-says-nunes-abused-his-office-memo-n844536

————

Catch up back issues of YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA on …

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.01.30

Amidst a sea of scandals involving men who abuse women, and men turning away from the abuse heaped on women by their fellow men, comes a story about Hillary Clinton, because of course it does.

Hillary Clinton explained on Facebook that keeping a senior adviser on her 2008 campaign who was accused of sexual harassment was a mistake. She said she wouldn’t make the same decision today.

Pundits believe this statement will put to rest any notion that the media will treat Hillary Clinton and other women fairly, since this is literally happening at the same time that Donald Трамп has over 20 women actively accusing him of sexual harassment right now.

THERE’S NO PUNCHLINE HERE! THIS IS JUST WHAT HAPPENS NOW! CAPS LOCK! !@#!@#!

————

Donald Трамп is telling friends and aides in private that things are going great for him, leading some pundits to wonder if he’s delusional.

As my neighbor Gary put it, yeah, things are great for Donald Трамп right now. “That dude is making money hand over fist. He’s free, nowhere near a prosecution or jail cell. His Jesus supporters are letting him coast on multiple counts of adultery. And most of the newspaper and TV people just kiss up to him and just pretend he’s bad news,” said Gary.

It’s unlikely Gary will be interviewed by anyone from CNN, The New York Times, the Washington Post, NBC News, Fox News, The Young Turks, because he’s an old black dude who gives a lot of side eye.

————

Black Panther, starring Chadwick Boseman as African king T’Challa, had its world premiere on Monday night in Hollywood. Early reactions praised the Marvel film for celebrating black excellence at a level never seen before in the genre. A lot of people are predicting Black Panther will render audiences speechless.

For most audiences, that speechlessness will come from the sheer awesomeness of the movie.

White nationalists will likely be rendered speechless by the movie, too, because even those guys will know deep down that saying, “What about a WHITE Panther movie?” sounds stupid.

————

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Clinton says she wouldn’t keep faith adviser if she ‘had to do it again’
https://www.cnn.com/2018/01/30/politics/hillary-clinton-sexual-harassment/index.html

The ‘state’ of Donald Trump? He thinks it couldn’t be better.
https://www.nbcnews.com/storyline/2018-state-of-the-union-address/state-donald-trump-he-thinks-it-couldn-t-be-better-n842501

‘Black Panther’ first reactions: It’s ‘astonishing,’ ‘iconic’ and ‘will save blockbusters’
https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/entertainthis/2018/01/30/black-panther-first-reactions-declare-film-astonishing-iconic-and-save-blockbusters/1077768001/

————

Catch up back issues of YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA on …

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.01.17

Republican House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy hosted members of the birther movement in his office for a meeting in 2013. The birthers showed him a  video alleging then-President Barack Obama had forged documents related to his citizenship.

McCarthy said he only hosted the meeting because he wanted future generations to know he was an awful, awful person.

————

Republican Senator Jeff Flake of Arizona denounced Donald Трамп’s attacks on the media and compared his inflammatory rhetoric to phrases used by Josef Stalin, the Soviet dictator.

With that speech now out of the way, Flake plans to vote with Трамп on whatever bills comes up next.

————

Nine of the 12 members of the National Park Service advisory board resigned in protest this week, because Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke hasn’t set up any meetings with the group and has decided not to protect of the nation’s natural treasures.

The other 3 board members are hoping to get in on that sweet, sweet plundering action with Zinke!

————

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy met with birther movement activists in his office in 2013
http://www.cnn.com/2018/01/17/politics/kfile-mccarthy-birther-meeting/index.html

Read Senator Jeff Flake’s full speech on Trump’s media attacks
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/read-senator-jeff-flake-s-full-speech-trump-s-media-n838426

9 of 12 National Park Service advisory board members quit in disgust
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2018/01/17/9-national-park-service-advisory-board-members-quit-disgust/1039551001/

————

Catch up back issues of YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA on …

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.01.03

Senator Chuck Grassley says that four of the seven memos former FBI director James Comey wrote memorializing his interactions with Donald Трамп contained classified information marked at the “secret” or “confidential” levels.

Comey testified in June that he gave some of his memos to a Columbia University professor and that he had written the memos specifically to avoid including classified information.

When asked for comment, a White House aide said, “The memos make it look like Donald Трамп is a dummy, and everyone knows that’s classified because–” before they were quickly whisked away by agents of HYDRA.

————

A new book “Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House,” by Michael Wolff contains staggering quotes from former Трамп campaign officials, including Steve Bannon who said a meeting of campaign officials with a Russian lawyer in Trump Tower was “treasonous” and “unpatriotic.”

Трамп denied Bannon’s claim, telling reporters, “He left out PROFITABLE, which is the most important thing! We’re making so much money, buy a hat!”

————

AT&T says it will launch mobile 5G in a dozen U.S. markets late this year, staking the claim that it expects to be the first U.S. carrier to offer such blazing speeds to phones.

When asked for further comment clarifying how fast 5G would be, AT&T was unable to answer due to buffering.

————

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Grassley writes Justice Department demanding answers on Comey memos
http://www.cnn.com/2018/01/03/politics/chuck-grassley-comey-memos/index.html

Steve Bannon calls Trump Tower Russian meeting ‘treasonous’ in new book
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/white-house/steve-bannon-calls-trump-tower-russian-meeting-treasonous-new-book-n834286

Speedy 5G service is coming to smartphones later this year, AT&T says
https://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/columnist/baig/2018/01/04/first-5-g-wireless-t-stakes-claim/1002615001/

————

Catch up back issues of YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA on …

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.11.25

Paul Manafort traveled to Russia at least 18 times prior to joining Donald Трамп’s Presidential campaign, and was in frequent contact with Vladimir Putin’s allies for nearly a decade as a consultant in Russia, according to a new report by CNN.

The White House says those trips were just to purchase Manafort’s favorite caviar, which he can only get from Putin.

————

Donald Трамп cut off weapons supplies to Kurdish fighters in Syria in a move to placate Turkey. Those Kurdish fighters have borne most of the fight against ISIS in Syria.

Donald Трамп was confused by the need to placate Turkey, since earlier in the week he had already pardoned two Turkeys for Thanksgiving.

————

Richard Cordray stepped down from the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau friday, and named Leandra English, the agency’s chief of staff, as deputy director. Under the Dodd-Frank Wall Street reform act that created the bureau in the wake of the 2007 recession, the appointment makes English the new acting director.

Donald Трамп is expected to name someone unqualified and slimy to fill the post. Possible candidates include Kid Rock, the corpse of Leona Helmsley, and the J.P. Moneybags character from Monopoly.

————

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

McClatchy report details alleged Manafort flights to Russia, Ukraine
http://www.cnn.com/2017/11/24/politics/paul-manafort-russia/index.html

Turkey ‘very happy’ as U.S. stops arming Kurds in Syria
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/u-s-stop-arming-kurds-syria-n823866

Consumer watchdog agency’s future uncertain amid leadership fight
https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/2017/11/25/consumer-watchdog-agencys-future-uncertain-amid-leadership-fight/894470001/

————

Catch up back issues of YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA on …

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.11.16

Senate judiciary Chairman Chuck Grassley and ranking member Dianne Feinstein sent a letter Thursday to Jared Kushner’s attorney requesting more information about his security clearance and Трамп campaign collusion with Russia in the 2016 election.

After reading the letter, Kushner’s attorneys replied by running out of the room.

————

The House passed a nearly $1.5 trillion tax bill on Thursday that would slash tax rates on corporations and private businesses, overhaul the individual tax code and eliminate taxes on wealthy heirs.

The House plans on later eating sushi wrapped in dollar bills off of the bodies of naked children, because they’re literally cartoonish supervillains at this point.

————

Jerry Jones asked NFL owners for a special meeting to discuss the contract of Commissioner Roger Goodell, and was denied, according to a report from the New York Times.

The Dallas Cowboys owner has been pushing to slow the negotiations between the league and Goodell since August, when the commissioner suspended Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott over alleged domestic abuse.

Sources say that Jones would prefer that players who beat women just get a fine, and that black players who take a knee over police violence get suspended.

————

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Senate judiciary committee requests more information on Kushner
http://www.cnn.com/2017/11/16/politics/senate-judiciary-committee-dianne-feinstein-chuck-grassley-jared-kushner-russia/index.html

House passes $1.5 trillion tax bill, cuts rates for individuals and businesses
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/report-senate-gop-bill-would-raise-taxes-middle-class-n821396

NFL denies Jerry Jones’ call for emergency owners meeting, per report
https://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/nfl/2017/11/16/nfl-denies-jerry-jones-call-emergency-owners-meeting/872845001/

————

Catch up back issues of YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA on …