YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.10.06

Comedian D.L. Hughley made the news when he noted that it’s easier to buy guns than it is to buy the cold medication Sudafed. Sudafed is regulated because pseudoephedrine, the active ingredient in some forms of the medication, can be used to create the street drug methamphetamine, or crystal meth.

In response, Congress is planning to enact the, “D.L. Hughley Can’t Talk About Sudafed Act,” to prevent comedians from pointing out this inconsistency for at least 30 days after a national tragedy due to gun violence.

“It’s too soon to talk about anything related to gun control,” said Paul Ryan on an endless loop as he wandered the halls of Congress.

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White House chief of staff General John Kelly cancelled plans to travel with Donald Трамп on Wednesday so he could contain his boss’s fury over Secretary of State Rex Tillerson calling him a, “moron.”

General Kelly is planning to prepare 6 bowls of ice-cream to coax Трамп out of his room. Reports say that Kelly is hoping to trade the ice-cream for the Nuclear Football.

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White House officials believe John Kelly’s personal cellphone was hacked in December 2016, according to three U.S. government officials. The discovery raises concerns that hackers or foreign governments may have had access to data on Kelly’s phone while he was secretary of Homeland Security and after he joined the West Wing.

While on a call with reporters, when asked whether his phone had been hacked, someone on General Kelly’s phone said, “нет,” and then someone hung-up the phone.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Is it easier to buy guns than Sudafed?
http://www.cnn.com/2017/10/06/health/guns-sudafed-regulation/index.html

Tillerson Summoned to White House Amid Presidential Fury
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/white-house/tillerson-summoned-white-house-amid-presidential-fury-n808216

John Kelly’s personal cellphone was compromised, White House believes
http://www.politico.com/story/2017/10/05/john-kelly-cell-phone-compromised-243514

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.10.04

The Justice Department released hundreds of decades-old internal legal memos that conclude the President is legally barred from appointing a relative to a position in the White House after receiving several Freedom of Information Act requests for the material. In January of this year, deputy assistant attorney general Daniel Koffsky reversed this legal position in January, finding the anti-nepotism law covers only appointments in an “executive” agency and that the White House Office is not such an agency under the law.

“In choosing his personal staff, the President enjoys an unusual degree of freedom, which Congress found suitable to the demands of his office,” wrote Koffsky.

When asked if there’s a policy that prevents the President from hiring white supremacists and white nationalists, Koffsky said, “No, of course not you fool!”

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Secretary of State Rex Tillerson was on the verge of resigning this past summer. Tensions came to a head after a July 20 meeting at the Pentagon with members of Donald Трамп’s national security team and Cabinet officials went poorly. Tillerson had openly disparaged Трамп, referring to him as a “moron,” after the meeting.

Aides said they heard Tillerson crying in the bathroom just a few days ago, lamenting his situation. “All I want to do is secure a deal with the Russian government so Exxon can make a bunch of money drilling for oil in the arctic,” Tillerson said while sitting on the toilet.

To make amends and get Tillerson and Трамп back on the same page, aides say they plan to try and get Трамп to buy stock in Exxon Mobil.

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Jared Kushner and daughter Ivanka Трамп routed their personal email accounts to computers run by the Trump Organization as public scrutiny intensified over their use of private emails to conduct White House business, internet registration records show.

Various news outlets are planning to run this story 24/7 for the next year as soon as they can find an email sent to either Kushner or Трамп by former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

DOJ releases slew of memos lobbying against presidential appointments for family
http://www.cnn.com/2017/10/03/politics/doj-old-anti-nepotism-olc-memos/index.html

Tillerson’s Fury at Trump Required an Intervention From Pence
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/white-house/tillerson-s-fury-trump-required-intervention-pence-n806451

Exclusive: Jared Kushner’s personal email re-routed to Trump Organization computers amid public scrutiny
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2017/10/03/exclusive-jared-kushners-personal-email-moved-trump-organization-computers-amid-public-scrutiny/728467001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.09.27

Popular vote loser, Russian supported Presidential candidate and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп threatened war with North Korea this morning, threatening to use “devastating” military action over the movement of a small number of North Korean fighter jets, external fuel tanks and air-to-air missiles to a base on the hermit kingdom’s eastern coast.

CNN described the warning as “familiar” this morning, treating the news as casual and ordinary.

CNN is later planning to publish a story today, “Is the News Media normalizing Donald Трамп’s behavior? We don’t think so, but what do you think? Click here to subscribe.”

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Carmen Yulin Cruz, mayor of Puerto Rico’s capital city San Juan, asked for urgent help as she expressed frustration with the speed at which rescuers were being set to work on the hurricane-ravaged U.S. territory.

“This is a big S.O.S for anybody out there,” Carmen Yulin Cruz told MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow on Tuesday night, “a plea for this help, which is right here, to get moving.”

Aides to the Трамп regime said that Donald Трамп reportedly has, “help Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands,” on his to-do list, but has a few more pressing concerns to deal with, first.

Among these ahead of helping victims in Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands are …

 

  • Complain about the NFL
  • Delete Tweets that make him look stupid
  • Threaten North Korea
  • New Strategy to Take Away Health Care from Poor People
  • Dump Ivanka and Jared from Will
  • Ask Donald Трамп Jr. how his meeting with Russian buddies went while Secret Service protection was turned off
  • Get Ice Cream
  • Anonymously Send Steve Bannon can of moldy spam with note that says, “You!”
  • Ask Jeff Sessions about ‘what’s going on with you and the blacks?’
  • Ask Ben Carson about Football.
  • Get Barron a haircut, use cuttings to weave into my own hair
  • Get Facial?
  • Get “Other kind of” Facial?
  • Golfing!
  • Eat meatloaf.
  • Get Ice cream again.

 

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The Трамп regime denied a request Tuesday to suspend shipping restrictions that would allow more fuel and emergency supplies to reach Puerto Rico.

When asked why they’re doing that, a White House spokesperson said, “Because we’re jerks. I mean, why are you guys asking this kind of thing, now? It’s always the same answer. We’re jerks.”

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PBS has a good article about relief you can get to Puerto Rico, please read it, and find an organization you can help!

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Trump warns of ‘devastating’ military option as North Korea moves jets
http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/26/politics/trump-north-korea-moves-fighters-missiles-fuel-tanks/index.html

Mayor Issues ‘S.O.S.’ as Puerto Ricans Scramble to Help Most Vulnerable
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/puerto-ricans-scramble-help-most-vulnerable-residents-supplies-dwindle-n805006

Why Puerto Rico is being denied shipping deliveries of fuel
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2017/09/27/trump-administration-denies-request-ease-shipping-fuel-deliveries-puerto-rico/707448001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.09.24

National Treasure and musical icon Stevie Wonder took both knees at a New York music festival in solidarity with NFL players taking a knee instead of standing for the National Anthem.

“Tonight, I’m taking a knee for America; but not just one knee, I’m taking both knees,” Wonder said on stage Saturday before his performance at the Global Citizens Festival.

An exasperated Kellyanne Conway speaking for the White House exclaimed, “Can’t Stevie Wonder see what he’s doing to the country? You’d have to be blind to not see that–” before covering her mouth and running away.
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North Korea said on Saturday that targeting the U.S. mainland with its rockets was inevitable after “Mr. Evil President” Donald Трамп called Pyongyang’s leader “rocket man.”

In response Трамп tweeted late on Saturday night that North Korea may not “be around much longer.”

Aides to Secretary of State Rex Tillerson said that he’s hoping to interceded with a new line of diplomatic rhetoric soon. Tillerson told reporters, “We’re trying to encourage Donald Трамп to, instead of responding in kind to bullying taunts, to just let it go. We’ve been drilling phrases like, ‘sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me,’ and, ‘nanny nanny booboob, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.’ They’re short phrases, they’re effective phrases, and they’ll fit into a tweet.”

In related news, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly has reportedly started building a bunker.

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German Chancellor Angela Merkel is expected to cruise to victory Sunday in the country’s election, giving her a record fourth term presiding over a unified Germany.

After being told the news, Donald Трамп allegedly threw a tantrum and said, “Oh yeah, I’ll show her! I’m going to be a four-term President as long as Putin keeps his end of the deal up, lemme get on twitter,” before John Kelly slapped the phone out of his hands and sent him to bed without dinner.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Stevie Wonder takes both knees ‘for America’ after Trump NFL remarks
http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/24/politics/nfl-stevie-wonder-kneels-trnd/index.html

Korea Says Rockets to U.S.‘Inevitable’ as American Jets Stage Show of Force
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/pentagon-says-u-s-fighter-jets-stage-show-response-north-n804161

German election: Why Americans should care about a Merkel win
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2017/09/22/german-election-why-americans-should-care-merkel-win/692762001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.09.22

North Korea’s foreign minister warned Thursday that Pyongyang could test a powerful nuclear weapon over the Pacific Ocean in response to Donald Трамп’s threats of military action.

After being informed of the threat, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly had to hold back Трамп as he reportedly said, “Oh yeah? OH YEAH? WELL I’LL SHOW ‘EM! LET ME PUSH THE BUTTON! LEMME PUSH IT!”

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Over 1,000 volunteers and officials broke into cheers after they pulled a survivor from the rubble of a textile factory more than two days after it was obliterated by Mexico’s recent earthquake.

After hearing the news, a White House spokesperson promised that the Трамп regime would ensure the wall they want to build will prevent, “anything from Mexico, including Earthquakes, from crossing it!”

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Senate Judiciary Chairman and human dumpster fire Senator Chuck Grassley released a letter late Thursday to FBI Director Christopher Wray asking if agents ever warned Donald Трамп about possible attempts by the Russian government to infiltrate his campaign last year.

In the letter, Grassley claimed that in 2008, the FBI warned Senator John McCain’s Presidential campaign about ties his campaign manager had to Russian agents. Senator McCain denied that any such warning ever took place.

 

When asked why Grassley would make up such a fact, White House spokesperson Kellyanne Conway said, “Duh, to throw people off the trail of ties between the White House and Russia! A doydoydoydoy.”

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

North Korea could test hydrogen bomb over Pacific Ocean, says foreign minister
http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/21/politics/kim-jong-un-on-trump-comments/index.html?adkey=bn

Mexico Earthquake Survivors Rescued After 2 Days in Rubble
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/frantic-rescues-continue-mexico-quake-deaths-rise-273-n803641

Grassley asks FBI if Trump was warned of Russian efforts to infiltrate his campaign
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2017/09/21/senate-judiciary-chairman-asks-fbi-if-trumpever-warned-trump-russian-attempts-infiltrate-his-campaig/691650001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.09.19

Category 5 Hurricane Maria hit Dominica with “widespread devastation,” according to the prime minister of the Caribbean island nation. Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands are next in its path.

After being informed of the news, Donald Трамп told aides, “We already did a Category 5 Hurricane. We’ve done hurricanes, I got to hand people groceries. It was fun! There’s better way to get ratings than repeating yourself.”

————
On Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen, a fan asked Martha Stewart if pumpkin spice was “delicious or for basic bitches only?”

Without hesitation, Stewart said, “The latter.”

According to the White House, First Lady Melania Трамп reportedly loves pumpkin spice lattes, so …

————

USA Today reported that Donald Трамп Jr. is giving up his Secret Service protection. The person, speaking under condition of anonymity, was not authorized to comment publicly. Трамп Jr. is declining the protection so he can have more “privacy.”

Трамп Jr. spoke to reporters and said, “They’re always following me. They keep watching what I do. I try to have those phone calls with the Russians, and they, like, watch. It’s creepy. I mean, if I want to sell information to other governments, I should–,” before being whisked out of the room by Jared “The Kush” Kushner.

————

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Hurricane Maria back at Category 5 as it barrels toward Puerto Rico
http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/19/americas/hurricane-maria-caribbean-islands/index.html

Martha Stewart revealed her true feelings about pumpkin spice
https://www.today.com/food/martha-stewart-pumpkin-spice-basic-bitches-only-t116426

Donald Trump Jr. gives up Secret Service protection
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2017/09/18/donald-trump-jr-gives-up-secret-service-protection/679657001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.09.18

The family of former Трамп regime national security adviser Michael Flynn has set up a legal defense fund to pay costs associated with the Mueller probe into Russian election meddling.

“The various investigations arising out of the 2016 presidential election have placed a tremendous financial burden on our brother Mike and his family. The enormous expense of attorneys’ fees and other related expenses far exceed their ability to pay,” Flynn’s siblings, Joe Flynn and Barbara Redgate, said in a statement.

The statement ends by saying, “It’s really expensive to translate all of those contracts and checks that Mike signed from Russian into English, and neither me nor Barb reads a lick of Russian, but Mike assures he didn’t do anything wrong. Won’t you help us?”

————

Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke is recommending that six of 27 national monuments under review by the Трамп regime be reduced in size.

White House aides believe that reducing the size of the monuments will make Трамп’s hands appear bigger when he looks at them on maps.

————

Everglades City, a low-income fishing community walloped by Hurricane Irma last weekend, faces a deadly public health crisis as families must live in moldy raw sewage and water after a 10 foot storm surge flooded the area with toxic stormwater.

After being briefed on the news, Donald Трамп told reporters, “Y’know, when Obama faced Hurricane Irma, he didn’t go down there. He didn’t go down there. But when I faced Hurricane Irma? I went down there. And I’ll go down there again. Y’know he didn’t clean up the raw sewage. He didn’t do it folks. You should be asking Obama why he didn’t clean up the raw sewage from Hurricane Irma when he had the chance. Fake news, you’re all fake news!”

————

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Flynn’s family sets up legal defense fund
http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/18/politics/michael-flynn-legal-defense-fund-white-house-russia-probe/index.html

Interior Secretary Recommends Shrinking Six National Monuments
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/interior-secretary-recommends-shrinking-six-national-monuments-n802236

‘He was crying and moaning in agony’: Public health crisis looms after Irma
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2017/09/17/he-crying-and-moaning-agony-public-health-crisis-looms-after-irma/675822001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.09.13

House Democrats sent special counsel Robert Mueller what they say is evidence that former national security adviser Michael Flynn failed to disclose a trip he took to the Middle East to explore a business deal with the Saudi government and a Russian government agency.

Reporters on the scene said Mueller sighed, rubbed his face, and just asked the House Democrats to, “Put it on the evidence pile, with everything else. No, not that one. Not that one. Not … you’ll knock it over, just. Here, give it to me. No, it’s fine. Give it to me, I’ll. I’m fine. I’ll deal with it. There’s just so much of this stuff, y’know?”

————

Officers Caesar R. Goodson Jr., Garrett E. Miller, Edward M. Nero, William G. Porter, Lt. Brian W. Rice and Sgt. Alicia D. White, all involved in Freddie Gray’s fatal ride in a Baltimore police van won’t face federal civil rights charges, the Justice Department said Tuesday.

A spokesperson for the office of Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III said, “Those lil’ scamps promised us they wouldn’t do it again. Good enough for us!”

————

The Supreme Court blocked a lower court decision that would have greatly expanded the number of refugees exempted from Donald Трамп’s controversial travel ban. Challengers countered on Tuesday that the court should not get involved in “ensuring that every possible refugee is excluded.”

In response, Donald Трамп repeatedly screamed, “Nuh-HUH! NUH-HUH! Yes they should! Nuh-huh!” It took four bowls of ice-cream before White House Chief of Staff John Kelly could restrain Трамп and stop his yelling.

Reports say that Kelly is hopeful that adding a nap to Трамп’s afternoon schedule will keep him calmer in the future.

————

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Dems to Mueller: Flynn failed to disclose trip to broker Saudi-Russian business deal
http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/13/politics/democrats-mueller-flynn-middle-east-trip-disclosure/index.html

Justice Dept. Won’t Charge Six Officers in Freddie Gray Death
https://www.nbcnews.com/storyline/baltimore-unrest/justice-department-won-t-charge-six-officers-freddie-gray-death-n800786

Supreme Court: No expansion of travel ban’s refugee exemptions
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2017/09/12/supreme-court-no-expansion-travel-bans-refugee-exemptions/657273001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.09.12

The Wall Street Journal reported that members of Donald Трамп’s legal team believe that his son-in-law Jared Kushner should have stepped down from his role in the White House before reports about his failure to disclose contacts with Russians during the transition became public.

Reports say that the biggest impediment to Kushner stepping down was that no one is exactly sure what his job is.

————

British billionaire Richard Branson proposed creating a “Disaster Recovery Marshall Plan” to help aid in the region’s recovery and reconstruction. “We must get more help to the islands to rebuild homes and infrastructure and restore power, clean water and food supplies,” Branson said.

Aides to the White House say that Donald Трамп is willing to get behind the idea if it’s called the “Donald Трамп is amazing and the greatest and saved the world Plan.”

————

Hillary Clinton told USA TODAY she’s convinced that associates of candidate Donald Трамп helped Russia meddle in the 2016 presidential election.

“There certainly was communication and there certainly was an understanding of some sort,” Clinton told the paper in a far-ranging interview.

In response to these serious allegations, White House harpy Kellyanne Conway released a statement which said simply, “Нет, это не так. Мы должны поговорить о ее письмах, да?”

————

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Report: Some Trump lawyers thought Kushner should step down
http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/11/politics/jared-kushner-white-house-russia-investigation/index.html

Richard Branson Wants ‘Marshall Plan’ for Post-Irma Caribbean
https://www.nbcnews.com/storyline/hurricane-irma/hurricane-irma-aid-arrives-branson-calls-marshall-plan-n800216

Exclusive: Hillary Clinton says Trump associates helped Russia meddle in the 2016 election
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2017/09/12/exclusive-hillary-clinton-trump-associates-russia-sanders-democrat-president-losing-election-2016/649864001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.09.07

Hurricane Irma battered Barbuda, St. Martin and the British Virgin Islands with winds over 180 miles per hour, causing widespread devastation. Puerto Rico was spared a direct hit, but still got hit with strong winds and torrential rains, leading to hundreds of thousands of people losing power.

Rush Limbaugh has claimed the storm is fake news designed to get people to empty out store shelves, and is expected to maintain these claims until a car is sent hurtling through his house by the storm.

Limbaugh is expected to blame Black Lives Matter for any damage to his house.

————

As Hurricane Irma rampaged through the Caribbean, two more hurricanes made their debuts Wednesday. In the Atlantic, Hurricane Jose was heading westward at a 17 mph clip and packing 75 mph winds. In the Gulf of Mexico, Hurricane Katia was about 175 miles north of Veracruz, Mexico (about 800 miles south of Hurricane Harvey-damaged Houston) and moving in an east-southeast direction at a speed of 5 mph.

After being informed of the news about Jose and Katia, Donald Трамп exclaimed, “The only way to keep these foreign invaders out is if we build the wall!”

Трамп  then fell asleep in his easy chair while watching Fox News.

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Facebook says an internal investigation has uncovered $100,000 in advertising spending by hundreds of fake accounts and pages which sought to sow political division during the U.S. presidential election. The ads were traced to a Russian “troll farm.”

In related news, Donald Трамп’s hair is believed to be a wig made from a Troll doll.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Hurricane Irma kills 9 in Caribbean islands as Florida awaits storm
http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/07/us/hurricane-irma-caribbean-florida/index.html

Irma Has Company as Two Other Hurricanes Make Their Debuts
https://www.nbcnews.com/storyline/hurricane-irma/tropical-storm-jose-brewing-atlantic-could-chase-after-irma-n799186

Facebook finds Russian ads that sought to sow division during U.S. election
https://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/2017/09/06/facebook-finds-russian-ads-sought-sow-division-during-u-s-election/639587001/

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