Australian police arrested 4 terrorists who planned to bring down an airplane recently. Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull said he won’t raise Australia’s terrorism threat level in response. He plants to leave it at “probable,” the Prime Minister said, between “possible” and “expected.”
When asked why he won’t raise the threat level, Prime Minister Turnbull downed a whole can of Tooheys then said, “Raise the threat level? What are we, pansies like them yanks in the U.S.? Who do I look like, Donald Трамп? Look at the size of my hands!”
Turnbull then smashed the empty can on his head after killing a crocodile with his bare hands.
Some sources dispute the account, and say he killed an alligator.
The U.S. successfully tested its Terminal High Altitude Area Defense (THAAD) system. Reports say that THAAD successfully intercepted a test missile near Kodiak, Alaska.
After being informed of the news, popular vote loser, Russian supported Presidential candidate and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп said, “I want to thank Senator Thad Cochran. He’s a Republican Senator from Missouri, and unlike Democrats, Republicans like Thad know that if you see a missile, you say something, and you blow it up. So thank you Thad for blowing up that missile over Alaska. And Thad, if you want two scoops of ice cream, I’ll allow it. I’ll allow it. Come to the White House, you can have two scoops of ice cream. I’ll think about it. But great job blowing up that missile Thad. Maybe we should deploy you to North Korea! Hey, Mooch! MOOCH! Mooch, come here, let’s send Thad to North Korea, he can take care of those missile there. Mooch!”
Трамп eventually wandered off to watch “Bloodsport” in the bathroom.
Cristiane “Cyborg” Justino won the 145-pound featherweight title by beating former champ Tonya Evinger via a TKO on Saturday.
Reports say that Donald Трамп wants to send “Cyborg” Justino to Syria because, “everybody knows that those special forces guys always win those martial arts tournaments, so, she must be the best. The BEST. Have you seen Bloodsport? Jean Claude Van Damme was a special forces guy in that. That’s what we’ll do, we’ll send Cyborg, Van Damme, we’ll send ‘em all over there. They’ll just kick ass–Where’s Mooch? Mooch will get it. Mooch. MOOCH! HEY MOOCH! Mooch, did you hear that the Prime Minister of Australia called us pansies, let’s send Cyborg and Thad AND Van Damme to go kick his ass! What do you think about that Mooch? HEY MOOCH!”
Aides say Трамп was still saying, “Mooch!” as he wandered out of the White House and was nearly struck by a delivery truck.
Mooch! HEY MOOCH!
Anyway, have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!
Australian authorities arrest 4 in alleged airplane terrorist plot
U.S. Conducts ‘Successful’ Test of THAAD Defense System With Ballistic Missile
‘Cyborg’ Justino stops Tonya Evinger with TKO for featherweight title at UFC 214
Donald Trump’s surprising list of favorite movies, TV shows, and music
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