YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.11.11

Donald Трамп said he believed Putin that Russian intelligence services didn’t interfere in the US presidential election last year. Multiple US intelligence agencies say they did. Putin’s spokesman said election meddling did not come up when they spoke, even though Трамп said it did.

Sources on the scene say that Трамп told them Putin later sold him a deed to the entire borough of Brooklyn.

Трамп plans to rename ‘Brooklyn’ to ‘Melaniaville’ in early 2018.

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North Korea slammed Donald Трамп Saturday accusing him of being a “destroyer” and having “begged” for nuclear war during his first trip to Asia.

White House aides denied the accusation, and said the only thing Трамп begged for during his trip was sex workers who needed to pee.

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USA Today reported that five big brands may be out of business within the next year, including Kmart, The Limited, Mattel, J.C. Penny, and Bed Bath & Beyond.

Before we could ask for a comment, USA Today went out of business.

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You can still buy USA Today, the website is still up and everything!

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Trump says he believes Putin’s election meddling denials
http://www.cnn.com/2017/11/11/politics/president-donald-trump-vladimir-putin-election-meddling/index.html

North Korea Says Trump ‘Begged’ For Nuclear War During Asia Trip
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/north-korea-says-trump-begged-nuclear-war-during-asia-trip-n819926

Retail woes: 5 big brands that may not be around much longer
https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/retail/2017/11/10/5-big-brands-that-wont-be-around-much-longer/107523456/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.10.21

Steve Bannon, a can of spam formed into the shape of a human that once worked for Donald Трамп, delivered a withering attack on George W. Bush Friday night. George W. Bush is a former President who was a warmonger, but then made paintings and got a high-five and a hug once from MIchelle Obama. Bannon questioned Bush’s intelligence during his speech, and said Bush’s presidency was the most destructive in U.S. history.

In related news, at that exact moment Donald Трамп said, “Hold my beer.”

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More than a half-century after President John F. Kennedy was assassinated, Donald Трамп announced Saturday that he intends to release never-before-seen government files related to the investigation into Kennedy’s killing.

When asked why they made such a dramatic announcement, the White House pointed out that stories about Puerto Rico, John Kelly’s lies, Tрамп’s lies, and the botched decision making that led to deaths of U.S. soldiers in Niger had all fallen to the bottom of the pile now.

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Oscar-winning actress Lupita Nyong’o described her sexual assault by Harvey Weinstein in the New York Times on Thursday.  On Friday, Weinstein issued a written response via Variety and said he had, “a different recollection of the events.”

On Saturday, people in New York City plan to kick Harvey Weinstein in the groin if they see him, to see if that will help his recall.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Steve Bannon delivers blistering attack on former President George W. Bush
http://www.cnn.com/2017/10/21/politics/steve-bannon-george-w-bush-gop-convention/index.html

Trump to Allow Classified ‘JFK Files’ to Be Released
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-allow-classified-jfk-files-be-released-n812926

Harvey Weinstein responds, has ‘different recollection’ of Nyong’o harassment claims
https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/movies/2017/10/19/lupita-nyongo-says-predator-harvey-weinstein-made-unwanted-advances/782783001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.10.11

Donald Трамп has “lit the wick of the war” against North Korea, a Russian state news agency quoted North Korea’s foreign minister as saying on Wednesday.

After being informed of the news, White House officials said, “heh. wick.”

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Advisors for the Трамп regime briefed lawmakers Wednesday as a deadline approaches Sunday that triggers a 60-day window for lawmakers to determine whether to reimpose sanctions related to Iran’s nuclear program that were lifted as part of the 2015 agreement.

Officials left confused, and wondered aloud if they should just make the decision the day after the next Tuesday that follows a Thursday that ends in an even number.

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An asteroid the size of a house will zoom past the Earth on Thursday at a distance of some 26,000 miles, NASA said. For reference, the moon is 239,000 miles away.

Still too close: Трамп’s finger to the nuclear button. Seriously, we’re so close to war. Thank god we’re worried about all of those football players taking a knee! That was sarcasm.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

North Korea foreign minister: Trump has ‘lit the wick’ of war
http://www.cnn.com/2017/10/11/politics/north-korea-trump-lit-wick-of-war/index.html

White House Briefs Congress on Iran Decertification Plan
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/mideast/white-house-briefs-congress-iran-decertification-decision-n809911

Asteroid to zoom ‘damn close’ to Earth on Thursday, will also test planetary defense system
https://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/science/2017/10/11/asteroid-zoom-damn-close-earth-thursday-also-test-planetary-defense-system/755157001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.09.14

Senator Chuck Schumer and Representative Nancy Pelosi say they have agreement from Donald Трамп on a plan to protect hundreds of thousands of young undocumented immigrants, and resolved to iron out a border-security plan “excluding” the US-Mexico border wall. The agreement came during a dinner Wednesday night, which featured Chinese food and chocolate pie for dessert.

Sources say that Трамп didn’t eat any of the chocolate pie, and was seen snickering after the dinner. Anonymous White House sources said that Трамп snuck ExLax into the pie. “Oh, they’ll be more than hungry again in an hour!” Трамп giggled as he went to the bathroom to tweet mindlessly until he fell asleep.

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Former Трамп regime spokesman Sean Spicer paid a visit to “Jimmy Kimmel Live” Wednesday night as part of a press tour to rehabilitate his image. Kimmel and Spicer talked about lies from Трамп earlier in the year that his inauguration crowd was the biggest ever, when photographic evidence proved otherwise.

“Why is he so concerned with size?” asked Kimmel. “Have you ever seen the president naked?”

“I have not,” Spicer replied good-naturedly.

Analysts concluded that, based on past statements, that clearly Spicer has seen Трамп naked.

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A North Korean state agency said Thursday that Pyongyang should use nuclear weapons to “sink” Japan and turn the United States into “ashes and darkness” as the country stepped up its threatening rhetoric in reaction to new United Nations sanctions over its nuclear program.

When asked why they made the statement, the North Korean state agency said, “We’ve been out of the headlines in the U.S. since the hurricane, and want to make our way back in.”

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Schumer, Pelosi, Trump ‘agree’ to fix DACA, disagree on the details
http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/13/politics/chuck-schumer-nancy-pelosi-donald-trump/index.html

Sean Spicer on ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’: I Haven’t Seen Trump Naked
https://www.nbcnews.com/pop-culture/tv/sean-spicer-jimmy-kimmel-live-i-haven-t-seen-trump-n801221

North Korea: Japan ‘no longer needed to exist near us’
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2017/09/14/north-korea-japan-no-longer-needed-exist-near-us/665002001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.09.11

North Korea’s Foreign Ministry said in a statement published on state media that if sanctions are imposed on their country it would respond in kind.

“The DPRK is ready and willing to use any form of ultimate means,” the statement began, “The forthcoming measures to be taken by the DPRK will cause the US the greatest pain and suffering it had ever gone through in its entire history.”

In response, Donald Трамп grabbed a microphone and screamed, “North Korea is like a single grain of sand in the Sahara desert that is Making America Great Again! BRING IT ON NORTH KOREA!”

In related news, the WWE is considering hiring Kim Jong Un and Donald Трамп as wrestlers assuming we all survive a nuclear war.

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An 8-year biracial boy survived an attempted lynching by white teenagers in New Hampshire.

In response, the Трамп regime is sending its vote fraud commission to New Hampshire. Трамп believes that there was voter fraud in the state, which went to Hillary Clinton in the 2016 Presidential election by just 2,800 votes.

A spokesperson for the regime said, “It’s things like this lynching that strengthen our case that New Hampshire is a Трамп state.”

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Four weeks after Donald Трамп said he would declare a national emergency in response to the opioid epidemic, the White House has not yet taken that dramatic step.

When asked why he hasn’t taken the step yet, Donald Трамп sniffed several times and said, “Why aren’t we talking about China? Why aren’t we talking about currency manipulation? Why aren’t we lowering our taxes? Huh? Why?”

Трамп sniffed several more times, then disappeared into a bathroom.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

North Korea threatens ‘pain and suffering’ ahead of UN sanctions vote
http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/11/asia/north-korea-un-vote/index.html

‘These people need to be protected’: Police won’t release info on lynching of 8-year-old biracial boy
http://www.rawstory.com/2017/09/new-hampshire-police-refuse-to-discuss-apparent-lynching-of-8-year-old-biracial-boy/amp/

Trump Claims Vote Fraud in New Hampshire. His Commission Is Going There
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/white-house/trump-claims-vote-fraud-new-hampshire-his-commission-going-there-n799931

Trump hasn’t formally declared the opioid epidemic a national emergency, and lawmakers want to know why
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2017/09/11/trump-hasnt-declared-opioid-epidemic-national-emergency-and-lawmakers-want-know-why/648449001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.09.09

As other Florida residents flee north to escape the monstrous Hurricane Irma, Peggy Monahan has remained behind despite numerous warnings to leave. Governor Rick Scott ordered more than 5.6 million people to evacuate, including Monahan.

“We are close to harvesting our crops, and we need to be here to stick the trees back on the ground if they are blown up,” she told CNN’s Zain Asher. “We need everybody’s prayers — this storm seems very bad.”

When asked for a response, God told CNN, “You so don’t need to pray, you need to do something. You guys are changing the climate, which is a CRAZY thing to do by the way, you have all of these scientists telling you that’s crazy, you literally know that this is the strongest storm ever, you let that Трамп guy be president … I just don’t get it. Not my circus, not my animals anymore. Y’all need to clean your house up pronto.”

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The Трамп regime is getting ready to attack North Korea in a variety of ways, including cyberattacks, increased surveillance, intelligence operations, and economic sanctions after the hermit kingdom’s sixth and largest nuclear test.

A Pentagon official told reporters that Donald Трамп is also personally joining the task force to attack North Korea. The official said, “Yeah, Mr. Трамп basically kept asking us, ‘can I push the button and launch the nukes? Now? Now? Now?’ So, we gave him a different job so he won’t, y’know, launch nukes at North Korea.”

Трамп’s part of the attack will be a series of misspelled Twitter barbs that also blame former President Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton for the situation.

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Already battered and reeling from Hurricane Irma, isolated Caribbean islands lacking infrastructure, communications, medical supplies and other essentials prepared to weather another potent hurricane Saturday as Category 4 Hurricane Jose, with sustained winds of 150 mph, bore down on Antigua, Barbuda, St. Martin and the U.S. and British Virgin Islands.  

After being informed of the incoming devastation from Hurricane Jose, Donald Трамп screamed at reporters during a press conference. 

“See! SEE! IMMIGRANTS ARE STEALING JOBS! That Jose guy is trying to take Irma’s job from her, DON’T YOU GET IT–” Трамп bellowed before being taken out of the room by White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

These Floridians aren’t leaving as Irma nears: ‘We need everybody’s prayers’
http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/09/us/hurricane-irma-florida-residents-stay-behind/index.html

Trump Team Prepping Aggressive Options for North Korea
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/north-korea/trump-team-prepping-aggressive-options-north-korea-n799306

Waiting for Jose: Caribbean braces for second potent storm
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2017/09/09/jose-caribbean-braces-second-potent-storm/649162001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.09.05

Russian President Vladimir Putin warned North Korea’s dictator Kim Jong Un that he could face a similar fate to Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein if they don’t turn away from nuclear weapons.

Meanwhile, Donald Трамп is planning to kick out a million children of immigrants from the United States, but may let them stay if he can get funding for his $70 billion border wall.

The fate of the world rests in the hands of an ex-KGB murderer and two crazy men with terrible haircuts, so, way to go humanity for getting us to this point!

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NBC News reported that one of the top items for the Republican Congress is negotiating an agreement to raise the US debt ceiling. The debt ceiling is the maximum amount of debt the Treasury can hold. In the present, the United States owes more money to everyone from Social Security recipients to government contractors to foreign bondholders than it currently takes in. Those payments have already been authorized, so raising the debt ceiling allows the treasury to make those payments.

When asked why the Republican Congress doesn’t just raise taxes on the wealthy to raise more money, a Congressional staffer laughed so hard he had an aneurysm and died on the spot.

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Hurricane Irma, currently headed for the East and Gulf coasts of the United States, has been upgraded to a Category 4 hurricane.

Aides to Donald Трамп say he was excited about the news, and is hopeful that the hurricane will be upgraded to a Sharknado.

“Then we’ll see some ratings,” Трамп quipped while tweeting from his favorite White House bathroom.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Vladimir Putin warns North Korea it could become like Iraq
http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/05/asia/north-korea-putin/index.html

What Is the Debt Ceiling, and Why Is Congress Fighting About It?
https://www.nbcnews.com/business/economy/what-debt-ceiling-why-congress-fighting-about-it-n796556

All eyes on Hurricane Irma as storm hits Category 4
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2017/09/04/hurricane-irma-storm-moves-toward-leeward-islands/630823001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.09.04

The revelation that Donald Трамп’s attorney reached out to the Kremlin for assistance in building a Трамп Tower in Moscow during Трамп’s presidential campaign shows that he’s dishonest, Democratic Representative Adam Schiff told reporters on Sunday. People in Brooklyn this morning had a different take on the revelation.

“Pretty sure almost every public statement Donald Трамп has made since the 1970s until the present show he’s dishonest, but we get what you mean Representative Schiff,” said one anonymous Brooklyn resident feeling hungover after Jouvert yesterday.

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Following U.S. warnings to North Korea of a “massive military response,” South Korea on Monday fired missiles into the sea to simulate an attack on the North’s main nuclear test site. South Korea’s military said its live-fire exercise was meant to “strongly warn” Pyongyang.

South Korea’s military has also been simulating Twitter attacks on their government made by Donald Трамп. The simulator is a tranquilized Orangutan who’s then given a dose of speed and handed a phone. 6 out of every 9 simulations ends with the Orangutan throwing feces at staff then screaming for an hour.

South Korea’s government feels that those 6 simulations are the best possible preparation for their presumed upcoming meetings with the American president.

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After months of uncertainty, President Trump will announce on Tuesday that he is ending the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals Program, known as DACA, a program that protects nearly 800,000 young undocumented immigrants from deportation.

When asked why Трамп would do something so needlessly cruel, a White House staffer sighed and said, “Because he’s a dickhead. We’re all dickheads. I work for a dickhead.”

The staffer was later seen drinking a bottle of scotch and calling her mom while her coworkers high-fived each other and threw ‘the shocker’ with glee.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Rep. Adam Schiff: Proposed Trump Tower in Moscow shows Trump was ‘dishonest’
http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/03/politics/adam-schiff-russia-cnntv/index.html

South Korea Simulates Attack on North Korea’s Nuclear Site After Test
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/north-korea-claims-h-bomb-test-experts-urge-trump-talks-n798431

Reports: Trump to end DACA, give Congress six months to act
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2017/09/03/trump-daca-deportation-protections-dreamers/622855001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.09.03

Last night, North Korea’s own version of Donald Трамп, President Kim Jong-Un, presided over the test of a massive underground nuclear weapon test. The test created a 6.3 magnitude earthquake.

Spokespeople for the White House say that they’re hopeful that the test will give Donald Трамп plenty of new slogans for the hats he sells. “If we get one hat into the webstore in time that says ‘Kim Jong-Unfit #MAGA’, that’s an early Christmas!” said human skeleton Kellyanne Conaway.

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China strongly condemned North Korea after the rogue nation tested a hydrogen bomb in an underground nuclear test. Russian President and Трамп supporter Vladimir Putin is meeting with Chinese President Xi Jinping to discuss the situation.

Donald Трамп is expected to stay at home and watch events unfold on Fox News, since his boss is already on the scene.

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In an attempt to stay calm, some Americans are trying to breathe normally and ask questions like, “What’s the difference between a Hydrogen bomb and a regular atomic bomb?”

To learn the answer that question, first, get a paper bag handy.

An atomic bomb, like the ones the United States dropped on Nagasaki and Hiroshima, each had a destructive power of 5 and 20 kilotons of TNT, respectively. To put that into context, the Mother Of All Bombs (MOAB) GBU-43, weighing just under 22,000 pounds, had a destructive power of 11 tons, which is 0.22% of the aforementioned 5 kiloton atomic bomb. Somewhere between 129,000 – 226,000 Japanese civilians were killed in those strikes at the end of World War II. The bomb uses nuclear fission to generate its destructive power.

At this point, breathe into the paper bag to prevent hyperventilation, then read on.

A Hydrogen bomb, like the kind just tested in North Korea, uses an atomic bomb as its triggering device. The nuclear fission generates a thermonuclear reaction as part of a two-stage fusion ignition process. In November 1952, the United States tested a Hydrogen bomb that generated 10,000 kilotons of destructive power. This is 500 times more powerful than the 20 Kiloton atomic bomb used during World War II.

If you feel nauseous, take a moment and throw up in the bag. Dispose of the bag, then get a new one. If you don’t feel like throwing up in a bag, go ahead and use a sink, your toilet, or even the floor. Whatever makes you feel comfortable.

It’s hard to estimate the number of people who would be killed in a Hydrogen bomb explosion. But it’s unlikely that any ballistic missile that North Korea produces would hit the United States. The more likely targets are South Korea and Japan, respectively.

So, “What’s the difference between a Hydrogen bomb and a regular atomic bomb?” The simple answer is, “Realistically, not a whole lot, because they’re both weapons that only lunatics would use in the 21st century.”

Happy Labor Day Weekend everybody! Stock up on paper bags!

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Nuclear test in North Korea: Live updates
http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/03/asia/north-korea-nuclear-test-live-updates/index.html

China ‘strongly condemns’ North Korea after hydrogen bomb test claims
https://www.today.com/video/china-strongly-condemns-north-korea-after-hydrogen-bomb-test-claims-1038603331521

Hydrogen bomb vs. atomic bomb: What’s the difference?https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2017/09/03/hydrogen-bomb-vs-atomic-bomb-whats-difference/629582001/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.08.22

Yesterday human meatloaf Donald Трамп delivered a primetime speech outlining his Afghanistan strategy. Today, Donald Трамп will hold a campaign-style rally in Phoenix.

And tomorrow, Трамп will probably take another golf vacation

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Donald Трамп announced his vague approach to dealing with the ongoing U.S. war in Afghanistan yesterday at Ft. Myer in Arlington, Virginia. Трамп told the crowd that his, “original instinct was to pull out, and historically I like following my instincts.”

“But just like with Melania, I realized, if I pull out, I might not get what I wanted. Had I done that, had I followed my instincts, I wouldn’t have Barron today. I want to help Afghanistan get pregnant with Freedom, so we’re not pulling out,” Трамп said in an untelevised portion of the speech that he delivered in his new White House bathroom.

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Navy and Marine Corps divers on Tuesday located the remains of some of the 10 sailors missing from the USS John S. McCain following its collision with an oil tanker off the Malaysia coast, the Navy said Tuesday.

After being informed of the news, Donald Трамп sighed heavily and said, “Look fake news media, the ship’s named John. S. MCCAIN. So go bother McCain about this. It’s his boat. IT’S HIS BOAT! Leave me alone I have important work to do!”

Трамп then drove away on his golf cart, hoping to shave 2 strokes off of the back 9.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Trump set to hold campaign-style rally in Phoenix
http://www.cnn.com/2017/08/22/politics/trump-phoenix-rally/index.html

‘Attack We Will’: Trump Vows Victory in Afghanistan, Stays Silent on Troop Levels
http://www.nbcnews.com/news/military/attack-we-will-trump-vows-victory-afghanistan-stays-silent-troop-n794651

USS John S. McCain: Remains of missing sailors found
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2017/08/22/uss-john-s-mccain-divers-search/588809001/

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