YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.01.05

Leading US intelligence officials are concerned that popular-vote loser and President-elect Donald Trump is damaging the security and the safety of the US through his continued disparagement of their work.

In response, Trump reportedly tweeted, “Intelligence community LOSERS! But Russia gets it – XJLKdkk.”

Trump’s follow-up tweet was a picture of a Frog kissing Roma Downey.

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A mysterious signal that has confounded scientists for years has JUST been traced to a dwarf galaxy in the pentagon-shaped constellation Auriga, a spot in the sky more than 3 billion light-years away.

The scientists were also reportedly able to decode the signal into English! Yeah, the signal says, “We’ve seen the future people of 2016 Earth! Don’t under any circumstances elect Donald Trump!”

Way to let us all down again science! 😦

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Buzzfeed recently spoke to a group of scientists to ask them what breakthroughs they’re most looking forward to in 2017.

One scientist was excited about the improved understanding of the brain leading to treatments that restore functions lost after neurological injury or disease.

Another was very excited about what NASA is calling the Grand Finale of the Cassini mission to Saturn, as the tiny spacecraft finally plunges into the giant planet and sends back what will hopefully be utterly stunning images from up close and personal.

A final scientist, who apparently had been drunk for 12 days straight said, simply said, “I’m looking forward to finding a new stupid job after our new stupid president defunds my climate research and then watching in horror as sea levels continue to rise and the planet continues to warm up NOW LEAVE ME ALONE AND GIVE ME BACK MY FLASK!”

In response, Trump reportedly tweeted a picture of a kitten cleaning its private parts.

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I’ve just started getting hate tweets and messages on twitter, and it’s only 5 days into 2017! I must be doing something right, it’s a festivus miracle!

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.01.03

The Republican party, in charge of the Congress and soon the Senate, proposed ending the independence of a congressional ethics panel. In response, Donald Trump tweeted, because of course he did.

“With all that Congress has to work on, do they really have to make the weakening of the Independent Ethics Watchdog, as unfair as it … may be, their number one act and priority. Focus on tax reform, healthcare and so many other things of far greater importance! #DTS,” Trump said over two consecutive tweets.

Also on Twitter, a guy celebrating that the world is now 2017 years old!

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Speaking of Twitter, popular voter loser and Troll-In-Chief Donald Trump antagonized the easily antagonizable Kim Jong Un of North Korea by tweeting yesterday that, “North Korea just stated that it is in the final stages of developing a nuclear weapon capable of reaching parts of the U.S. It won’t happen!”

Apparently Trump on Monday didn’t get the memo from Trump on Tuesday that it was more important to, “focus on tax reform, healthcare and so many other things of far greater importance!”

No word yet from Trump when Trump will be on the same page as Trump.

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Anthony Bourdain said recently that liberals were to blame for the election of Donald Trump, because they show contempt for working-class Americans. He said, “The utter contempt with which privileged Eastern liberals such as myself discuss red-state, gun-country, working-class America as ridiculous and morons and rubes is largely responsible for the upswell of rage and contempt and desire to pull down the temple that we’re seeing now.”

When asked if this meant he’d now be eating at Guy Fieri’s Times Square restaurant regularly, Bourdain replied by punching the reporter then eating his shoes.

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I wonder … if Congressional Republicans started bathing in baby blood, would CNN run a panel about it?

“Baby Blood Bathing: Great Way to Healthy Skin or Unspeakable Evil?”

Probably spend at least a couple of days designing the graphic!