YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.01.07

Anheuser-Busch is exploring a way to make a kind of “Keurig Cup Home Brewer” for beer, spirits, cocktails and mixers. They’re still researching the appliance, but the essential idea is add a little cup of ingredients, press a button, then get your drink on demand, just like a Keurig cup.

When asked how this differs from, say, buying a six pack of beer or bottles of liquor, which also give you drinks on demand, a spokesperson said, “This is way more wasteful! Think of all the little cups we’ll be adding to dumps around the world!”
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Hey, did you hear that a new breakfast sandwich is coming to McDonalds? Yeah, it’s called the “Chicken McGriddle.” It’s a fried chicken patty stuck between two syrup-infused McGriddle cakes.

In a press release, McDonald’s promises they can make the new sandwich extra greasy, bloat-inducing, and promise that it will deliver terrible smelling gas by the end of the year.

No word yet on whether it will also give customers diarrhea.

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Fox News recently reported a story originally circulated by Brietbart News, that 90,000 Christians were killed for their beliefs worldwide last year, and that a third died at the hands of ISIS and places like North Korea. They cited an unpublished study from Dr. Massimo Introvigne of the “Center for Studies of New Religions.”

The same study apparently also notes that 70% of the Christians killed died in tribal conflicts in Africa, in areas hurt by civil war. The remaining 30% were killed in terror attacks or by government persecution.

Meaning, the number of people of the Christian faith who actually died due to religious persecution was closer to 27,000. For context, just over 16,000 people died during the Syrian Civil War in 2016. Roughly the same number were killed in sectarian violence in Iraq during the same period. Also unmentioned by Fox is that Dr. Massimo believes “the number of Christians killed for their faith outside of Africa is similar to the number of Muslims killed for their faith” and that “just as many Muslims are killing other Muslims.”

Also unmentioned was that the number of 2016 deaths has declined from 2015’s total of 105,000.

Also unmentioned was that Dr. Introvigne is also the Director of The Transylvanian Society of Dracula, a patent attorney, and is an expert on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Which is just kind of neat to know, right?

When asked about these discrepancies, and whether they read the report directly, a spokesperson for Fox News said, “Pfft, who reads? We just put out these stories for search engines so we can get people to watch our videos and see the commercials about buying gold!”

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I just noticed there’s no Trump stories in this one, which means I didn’t get to type my favorite phrase. Which is, “Popular vote loser Donald Trump.”

So, there it is, have a good weekend! I even hope popular vote loser Donald Trump has a good weekend. Maybe he’ll stay off twitter if he does!

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