YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.03.14

A fierce winter storm is pummeling the East Coast of the United States, dumping record levels of snow at an unusual time of year. Elected officials everywhere are working hard to help people deal with the disaster. Except at the White House!

Popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп did go to Twitter and talk about a meeting he had with Washington, D.C.’s Mayor and other local elected officials there, but nothing about disaster relief or any pledges of aid for the east coast or anything, because, pff, why would Трамп start doing his job NOW, it’s a snow day!

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Boa Esporte, a Brazilian second division team, have signed goalkeeper Bruno Fernandes de Souza following his release from prison for the murder of his girlfriend and the subsequent feeding of her body to his dogs.

Reportedly, Souza signed with Esporte after turning down a job to the new U.S. envoy for women’s rights. “We just thought he had the right attitude to work in the Трамп White House,” said an anonymous spokesperson.

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Speaking of sociopaths working for popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп, Secretary of State Rex “I May Be A Demon Wearing A Human Skin Suit” Tillerson is in the news, over a recent discovery that the former Exxon CEO used the alias ‘Wayne Tracker’ to send and receive information about Climate Change from 2008 through 2015.

If you recall, Donald Трамп himself also had a similar habit, posing as John Miller, John Baron and John Barron on numerous occasions with a variety of journalists from at least 1980-1991. Трамп  would act as a fake source for unsuspecting reporters in order to plant positive media coverage of himself.

White House Sources say that Sean “Sphincter” Spicer is thinking of using the alias, “Stud Manflesh,” because, “All the cool people in the White House use fake names!”

Rumors say that Kellyanne Conway will continue to use her real name, because nobody believes her anyway.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Winter storm live blog: Fierce winds, snow pummel the Northeast
http://www.cnn.com/2017/03/14/us/blizzard-live-blog/index.html

Meeting w/ Washington, D.C. @MayorBowser and Metro GM Paul Wiedefeld about incoming winter storm preparations here in D.C. Everyone be safe!
https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/841422186573369345

BRUNO SIGNS FOR BOA ESPORTE AFTER RELEASE FROM PRISON FOR GIRLFRIEND’S MURDER
http://bleacherreport.com/articles/2697875-bruno-signs-for-boa-esporte-after-release-from-prison-for-girlfriends-murder?utm_source=cnn.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=editorial

Tillerson Used Email Alias as Exxon CEO to Talk Climate Change
http://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/tillerson-used-email-alias-exxon-ceo-talk-climate-change-n733201

Donald Trump’s Long, Strange History of Using Fake Names
http://fortune.com/2016/05/18/donald-trump-fake-names/

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.02.20

Popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп’s former campaign manager Corey Lewandowski recently spoke with David Axelrod and blamed an inexperienced staff for the current chaos in the White House.

“The staff has probably not prepared him as well as they could have or should have,” particularly on the immigration executive order, Corey Lewandowski said, noting that not one member of Trump’s senior staff “ever worked inside the government.”

Of course, last week, Lewandowski claimed that his White House was running like “a fine-tuned machine.”

And In November, then RNC strategist, and now White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer said to Time Magazine that, “You don’t tell Trump you can’t do this, stop doing that.”

So, it’s not really Popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп’s fault that he hired a staff inexperienced in Washington politics and policy that’s continually letting him down due to their inexperience with Washington politics and policy and their inability to tell him how to stay on message, even though he’s unreceptive to being told what to do.

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Speaking of older American men who are in charge of things, Senator John McCain slammed Popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп by saying dictators “get started by suppressing free press.”

The observation stunned the press, even though McCain also hates them.

McCain told Chuck Todd on NBC News’ ‘Meet the Press that, “I hate the press. I hate you especially. But the fact is we need you. We need a free press. We must have it. It’s vital.”

After being asked if dictators also get started when Senators and Representatives critique them on TV but don’t vote against their wishes or offer any oversight, McCain coughed, pointed offstage and said “Look, it’s Elvis Presley!” then ran out of the room.

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Speaking of older American men who used to be on TV, former host of “Live! With Regis and Kelly” painted a picture of a strained relationship with Kelly Ripa during an appearance on “Larry King Now.”

Regis said, “[Kelly] got very offended when I left. She thought I was leaving because of her.”

Producer for “Live! With Kelly” Dave Davis, though, pointed out that Regis had been on the show several times, and were on friendly terms. WABC provided CNN with a video that showed Regis and Kelly embracing in the makeup room prior to the special. Regis then embraces Kelly, kisses her, and says, “Look at you Miss Beautiful Star,” as people in the room applaud. “I knew you wouldn’t be able to stay away,” Ripa responds.

Who would have thought we live in a time when an older guy who’s a former TV star would have memory problems and perhaps offer ‘alternative facts’ to what actually happened in order to make his position more sympathetic?

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Lewandowski: Trump’s staff is letting him down
http://www.cnn.com/2017/02/20/politics/corey-lewandowski-axe-files/index.html

What Donald Trump’s Staff Choices Show So Far
http://time.com/4569636/donald-trump-steve-bannon-reince-priebus/

McCain: Dictators ‘get started by suppressing free press’
http://www.cnn.com/2017/02/18/politics/john-mccain-donald-trump-dictators/index.html

Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa don’t talk
http://www.cnn.com/2017/02/16/entertainment/regis-philbin-kelly-ripa/?iid=ob_homepage_deskrecommended_pool

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.02.19

The big news yesterday, at least according to popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп, was the campaign rally he held in Melbourne, Florida on Saturday to bolster his sagging ego amidst a floundering White House and historically high disapproval ratings for his agenda. The weather was partly cloudy, and was held in a small airplane hanger in the small city, known mostly as a suburb for various defense contractors.

9,000 die-hard Трамп supporters showed up for the rally, barely filling the metal bleachers crammed into the small hangar. Трамп spent most of the evening ripping on the media as “fake news” and renewed pledges to take away people’s health care, and throw immigrant families out of the country.

In addition, on the way to the rally, a middle-school student was investigated by the Secret Service for throwing a 2×4 at President Трамп’s motorcade, showing how much fear he has of children–pardon, I’m being interrupted as I type this by a couple of large men in black suits wearing sunglasses.

Just received word from the Трамп regime requesting that I make changes to this story, or otherwise plan to get waterboarded as an enemy of the American people. We’ll be making a correction shortly.

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Actual Real Popular Vote Winner and World’s Greatest Best Ever Beloved President Donald “I Got Big Hands” Trump was begged by his adoring fans to speak at an “Up With America!” convention in Melbourne, Florida on Saturday, in order to bring hope to people hearing nothing but fake news about his amazing, world’s greatest White House and historically high approval ratings given to him by real people that count. The weather was the best that Melbourne had EVER seen, ever, and there were no clouds, and it was held in the biggest Airplane Hanger on planet Earth. Trump was there to remind people of how awesome of a job he’s doing, and also to give them hope.

900 million people spontaneously arrived at the impromptu event organized by someone other than Donald “The Lion” Trump, which required people to put each other on their shoulders. Lines of people held fast, with people stacked at least 20 high, shoulder to shoulder, toe to toe. Trump gave, what historians are already saying, the best speech ever in the history of the Presidency, even better than that one by Abraham Lincoln or that no good poop-head foreigner who was the previous President.

In addition, on the way to the rally, a group of children spontaneously threw flowers towards best biggest nicest human Donald “I’m A Regular Guy” Trump, who is totally not afraid of children, or racist, or anti-semetic, and who also won 306 electoral college votes, by the way, which is YUGE.

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Just received word from the offices of WWE Superstar and World’s Best President Ever Donald “I’m Humble” Trump that they sense sarcasm in this report, and will plan on waterboarding me anyway. More good news!

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Y’know, speaking of popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп, that rally yesterday, man, he said a LOT of nutty things there. Here’s a couple of quotes that, out of nowhere, he launched into about Sweden.

“You look at what’s happening last night in Sweden. Sweden, who would believe this?” “Sweden,” he said. “They took in large numbers. They’re having problems like they never thought possible.”

Presumably, Трамп was talking about a terror attack or some other big news item out of Sweden on Friday. But the former Prime Minister of Sweden, Carl Bildt, took to Twitter to express bafflement at the idea.

“Sweden? Terror attack? What has he been smoking? Questions abound,” wrote Bildt.

If you check, though, one of the bigger news items in Sweden on Friday was an advisory that Government officials there made, calling on people to prepare for potential invasion by Russia. The renewed Cold War-era tensions rising there are alarming enough that Russia’s ambassador went on Sweden’s SVT television network earlier in the week to reassure Swedish citizens that Russia had no plans to invade.

“We respect the integrity of Sweden, and we have no plans whatsoever to invade Sweden, so the Swedish population can sleep easy,” Viktor Tatarintsev told Sweden’s SVT television network.

But, if you read the transcript of Трамп’s speech? He mentions Sweden 3 times, and Russia is mentioned exactly zero times.

So Sweden is, indeed, having problems like they never thought possible, just like the rest of us! I guess that means Трамп finally said something true at a rally!

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.02.18

Wow, with less than one month into his term, holding a 38% approval rating, and a 56% disapproval rating of his performance thanks to a White House in chaos, it looks like most of America is deeply disappointed with the work of popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп. Everything from a hastily enacted Muslim ban, a botched raid in Yemen that led to the death of a Navy Seal and 9 children, to secret ICE raids breaking up families, to the recent ouster of Michael Flynn from his position as National Security Advisor due to repeated, illegal contacts with the Russian government, points to a White House in chaos.

Трамп, naturally, refutes this idea, and went to, you guessed it, Twitter to refute reality. THis morning he said, “Don’t believe the main stream (fake news) media.The White House is running VERY WELL. I inherited a MESS and am in the process of fixing it.”

And last night, he said, “The FAKE NEWS media (failing @nytimes, @NBCNews, @ABC, @CBS, @CNN) is not my enemy, it is the enemy of the American People!”

Based on what’s been going on, everyone in America is pretty sure they know who on Twitter with a name that rhymes with “Ronald Dump” is acting like an enemy of the American people right now.

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Speaking of reporting on a chaotic White House based on factual accounts that popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп chooses to ignore, did you hear what happened to new HUD Secretary and perpetually sleepy looking guy Ben Carson? Apparently, Carson’s top aid, Republican consultant Shermichael Singleton, was fired because he wrote an Op-Ed a few months ago that said Trump was taking the Republican Party to a “new moral low.”

Singleton said, “We allowed that hostile takeover to happen on our watch … This individual recognized a moment of great disparity in the Republican base and, like cancer, attacked and spread, consuming everything in his path.”

To top it off, apparently, Singleton was fired without consulting Carson, who only learned of the firing after the fact.

In fairness to the Трамп regime, though, Ben Carson can be a little dopey. Maybe he just forgot that his staffer got fired? Hard to say these days, hard to say.

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Speaking of the right hand not knowing what the left hand is doing, Vice-President Mike Pence recently vowed to ‘hold Russia accountable’ while speaking with an anxious audience at the Munich International Security Conference this Saturday.  

Pence has also reportedly told people that Трамп’s hair is real, so, might want to take that with a grain of salt.

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Have you ever noticed that Donald Трамп never mentions USA Today in his rants about fake news? What’s amazing is, just about everything he calls Fake News is reported IN USA Today. Same goes for the Associated Press, Reuters, The LA Times, The Washington Post, PBS, NPR, the Wall Street Journal. And that’s not even the tip of the iceberg of media in the United States, let alone the rest of Planet Earth.

I mean, that’s the bubble this guy lives in, he doesn’t read, he watches a limited amount of TV, and he doesn’t realize that there are all these other media sources saying the exact same things. It’s like having a relative who reaches into your fridge and complains, “The only thing you guys have to drink is Miller Lite and it sucks!” and never notices the bottle of water, the orange juice or an entire rack of Guiness in the back of the fridge staring him IN THE FACE EVERY TIME HE OPENS THE FRIDGE.

Except, he also has the ability to say, “Fire the Nukes!” So, yeah, we’ve given the nuclear codes to a guy who’s just like a guy that can’t tell what’s in a refrigerator. On the bright side of things, with the planet heating up, there’s a good chance we could die of heat exhaustion before the year is out, so, more good news folks!

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.01.18

Popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп recently said he doesn’t like to tweet, and only does it because of the need to correct the record of a dishonest press.

“Look, I don’t like tweeting, I have other things I could be doing,” he said. “But I get very dishonest media, very dishonest press. And it’s my only way that I can counteract.”

Трамп also says that’s his real hair, so …

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During a confirmation hearing Tuesday, Sen. Patty Murray (D-W) asked Donald Трамп’s nominee for education secretary Betsy DeVos about whether Trump’s descriptions of kissing and groping women without their consent ― and the allegations subsequently made about him by a host of women ― amounted to sexual assault.

“I take accusations of this type of behavior very seriously,” Murray said. “If this behavior ― kissing and touching women and girls without their consent ― happened in a school, would you consider it a sexual assault?”

DeVos responded, “Yes.”

DeVos then quickly followed up and said, “And that’s why President Donald Трамп has vowed to never set foot in a school during his time in office! Can we get a round of applause, liberals?”

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The world’s apes and monkeys are in serious trouble.

About 60% of Earth’s non-human primate species, including apes, monkeys, gorillas, gibbons and lemurs, are threatened with extinction and about 75% have declining populations, according to a study published Wednesday.

“This truly is the 11th hour for many of these creatures,” said University of Illinois anthropology professor Paul Garber, who co-led the study.

The other half are reportedly in danger from hunting by Eric Trump, son of popular vote loser.

Not to be outdone, Donald Trump Jr. pledges to kill at least twice as many animals as his brother in the coming years.

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.01.11

President Barack Obama gave his farewell address to the American people last night, in a resounding speech that brought tears to many of his supporters. Among the words he said was this, “Our Constitution is a remarkable, beautiful gift. But it’s really just a piece of parchment. It has no power on its own. We, the people, give it power. We, the people, give it meaning. With our participation, and with the choices that we make, and the alliances that we forge. Whether or not we stand up for our freedoms. Whether or not we respect and enforce the rule of law. That’s up to us. America is no fragile thing. But the gains of our long journey to freedom are not assured.”

In response to the speech, the universe unlocked a dark crack and dropped a story about popular vote loser and soon to be dictator Donald Trump secretly paying prostitutes to urinate on a bed that Barack and Michelle Obama once slept in while he watched.

But don’t worry, Trump tweeted about it this morning in all caps and said both Russia and a fake news website said it’s not true!

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CNN Frida Ghitis recently opined that Trump has become America’s gaslighter in chief. The term comes from the “Gas Light” a play (and a movie) from the 40s about a husband who tries to drive his wife crazy by continually dimming the lights in their house, and then acting like she’s the only one who thinks the room is growing darker. In her view, Trump is our new ‘Gaslighter-in-Chief’ as he darkens the truth in America.

Pfft, anyone with common sense knows that Trump prefers the lights to be way, way up when he’s lying to people!
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Popular vote loser and soon to be dictator Donald J Trump held a rambling press-conference earlier today. He took questions from some reporters, and told others that they were simply, “fake news,” and weren’t allowed to ask questions.

Among the questions Trump did answer, sort of, were about the conflicts of interest being President and owning companies that owe hundreds of millions of dollars to foreign nations. Trump produced a stack of business documents in manila folders at the conference, and pointed to them often as he said, “These papers are all just a piece of the many, many companies that are being put into a trust to be run by my two sons

But it turns out turns out reporters aren’t getting access to the business documents. When members of the press went to get to the folders after the conference, they were turned away by Trump’s staff.

Reportedly, the staffers all blocked access to the folders when they realized the folders labeled “Golden Showers Bring Russian Flowers” for some weird reason.

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So, I changed the name of this from YOUR DAILY DUMB JOKES to YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA. To be clear, the jokes are still dumb. But, after going back and reading a few months of them, this seemed like a better fit.

Sure glad I took Russian in highschool now, although, I never did learn the Russian word for BS. I think it might be ‘Tрumп.’

YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.01.10

CNN, always one to milk a political story for ratings, is still plastering their homepage with stories about Trump-whisperer Kellyanne Conway complaining about a speech Meryl Streep gave at the Golden Globes. In the speech, Ms. Streep denounced bullying and asked people to protect the press. She also wanted the press to do a better job.

In yet another TV appearance and response to talk about Ms. Streep’s speech, Conway, the final of three campaign managers for popular-vote loser and soon to be President Donald J Trump, said “Look, that is a very myopic place — that place, this network, frankly, all wanted the election to turn out a different way.”

When asked what she meant by everyone wanting things to turn out a different way, Conway replied, “Duh, you guys all want to avoid the end of the world apocalyptic doomsday scenario that’s fast approaching A DOY DOY DOY!”

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Reporter John Avlon recently opined about a warning former President and current dead person George Washington gave during his farewell address at the end of his second term in 1796. Washington issued a “warning from a parting friend” and laid out the three elements he feared could destroy America: hyperpartisanship, excessive debt and foreign wars. Avlon fears that in the 21st century, our nation is failing to heed Washington’s warning.

In a related story, scientists recently discovered a post-script written on the BACK of the document Washington wrote. The post-script reads, “Also, never elect anyone for President who has a comb-over.”

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Popular vote loser and frequent comb-over user President-elect Donald Trump has asked vaccine denier Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to chair a presidential commission on vaccine safety, Kennedy said Tuesday. The two have questioned whether vaccines cause autism, a claim consistently debunked by medical professionals across the board.

Also announced are Trump’s plans to name David Duke head of a special commission to investigate racism in the KKK, to ask Vladimir Putin to look into Russian hacking, and to request Emperor Sheev Palpatine investigate whether the darkside of the Force is more powerful.

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I looked it up, the first name of the Emperor from Star Wars is really named Sheev!

Boy, at this rate, basically, if you want to know who Trump plans to hire to do a job, just look for someone who is completely the opposite of the person you want to do it. At this rate, he’s going to hire Jenny McCarthy to be Surgeon General. Happy Tuesday!