YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.01.18

Popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп recently said he doesn’t like to tweet, and only does it because of the need to correct the record of a dishonest press.

“Look, I don’t like tweeting, I have other things I could be doing,” he said. “But I get very dishonest media, very dishonest press. And it’s my only way that I can counteract.”

Трамп also says that’s his real hair, so …

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During a confirmation hearing Tuesday, Sen. Patty Murray (D-W) asked Donald Трамп’s nominee for education secretary Betsy DeVos about whether Trump’s descriptions of kissing and groping women without their consent ― and the allegations subsequently made about him by a host of women ― amounted to sexual assault.

“I take accusations of this type of behavior very seriously,” Murray said. “If this behavior ― kissing and touching women and girls without their consent ― happened in a school, would you consider it a sexual assault?”

DeVos responded, “Yes.”

DeVos then quickly followed up and said, “And that’s why President Donald Трамп has vowed to never set foot in a school during his time in office! Can we get a round of applause, liberals?”

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The world’s apes and monkeys are in serious trouble.

About 60% of Earth’s non-human primate species, including apes, monkeys, gorillas, gibbons and lemurs, are threatened with extinction and about 75% have declining populations, according to a study published Wednesday.

“This truly is the 11th hour for many of these creatures,” said University of Illinois anthropology professor Paul Garber, who co-led the study.

The other half are reportedly in danger from hunting by Eric Trump, son of popular vote loser.

Not to be outdone, Donald Trump Jr. pledges to kill at least twice as many animals as his brother in the coming years.

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.01.01

Did you hear what happened in Knott’s Berry Farm? 20 people and a ride operator got stuck 100 feet in the air when the Sky Cabin broke down Friday night. It took seven hours to get them down.

A spokesperson for Knott’s Berry Farm said they were grateful for the publicity, and may plan to strand other riders in the air to help generate attention for the struggling park. Who knew they were still in business?

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Speaking of publicity, here’s the latest about Russian hacking straight from President-elect Donald Trump. He gave assurances to people at his 800-person New Year’s Even bash at Mar-a-Lago that the Russians weren’t involved in any cyber-meddling on Saturday.

Trump also still claims that his hair’s not a comb-over, so …

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Speaking of Russian hacking, the same malware signatures found in the Democratic National Committee and other hacking investigations were found in software on a Burlington Electric Company laptop in Vermont.

No word yet on whether this malware has something to do with Hillary Clinton’s emails.

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These are still dumb! But fun to right. Happy New Year!