YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.03.16

Tennessee Democrat John Ray Clemmons introduced a bill to the Tennessee State Legislature to denounce Neo-Nazi groups and white nationalism. The bill was voted down by Republicans in 36 seconds.

Spokespeople for the Republican Party said the bill wasn’t voted down because their colleagues are racist, but because the bill didn’t, “thank any of the good Nazis who do nice things, too, y’know!”

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Seven U.S. service members aboard an American military helicopter that crashed in western Iraq late Thursday were killed, according to U.S. military officials.

People around the U.S. reacted to the news by saying, “We still have soldiers in Iraq?”

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Lawyers for Stormy Daniels, an adult film actress who was paid $130,000 to keep her affair with Donald Трамп silent, told reporters that she was threatened with physical violence if she didn’t agree to the payment.

When asked for a comment on the matter, spokespeople for the Трамп regime said, “No one threatened Stormy Daniels, but if she keeps talking we’re gonna give her a smack in the mouth!”

The spokesperson was then immediately fired by the White House, hired by the Трамп Reelection Campaign, then nominated for Secretary of State.

Aides say that the anonymous spokesperson has also been offered a show on Fox News.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

A resolution denouncing neo-Nazis dies in 36 seconds
https://www.cnn.com/2018/03/16/politics/tennessee-white-nationalist-resolution-trnd/index.html

Seven U.S. service members killed in Iraq helicopter crash
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/military/u-s-helicopter-crashes-western-iraq-rescue-underway-n857156

Stormy Daniels’ lawyer says porn star was physically threatened to remain silent over alleged affair with Trump
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2018/03/16/stormy-daniels-lawyer-says-porn-star-physically-threatened-remain-silent-over-alleged-affair-trump/431167002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.03.15

Just after Secretary of State Rex Tillerson’s sudden firing Tuesday morning over Twitter, American diplomats around the planet were told not to comment that the firing was a surprise by the Трамп regime.

According to sources, Donald Трамп wanted to ensure that the White House was the only source of ongoing confusion about the firing.

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Former Congressman and current CIA Director Mike Pompeo, the new nominee for Secretary of State, has an extensive record opposing the rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender Americans according to Human Rights Campaign.

When asked for a comment on Pompeo’s reckless prejudice, Трамп regime spokesperson rolled her eyes and said, “No DUH, being anti-gay is why he was nominated! Pfft!”

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Vanessa Трамп filed for uncontested divorce from Donald Trump Jr., on Thursday. Uncontested means there likely won’t be a fight over custody or assets, according to the reports.

When asked if the reason for the divorce was to potentially hide assets from any criminal probe Donald Трамп Jr. could get caught up in, Vanessa Трамп replied no comment while stuffing silverware into her purse.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

US diplomats confused, told not to tweet or post on Tillerson’s firing
https://www.cnn.com/2018/03/15/politics/rex-tillerson-firing-state-department-reaction/index.html

LGBTQ advocates see Pompeo as ‘reckless choice’ for top diplomat
https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/lgbtq-advocates-see-pompeo-reckless-choice-top-diplomat-n856881

Donald Trump Jr. and wife Vanessa are divorcing
https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/2018/03/15/reports-presidents-eldest-donald-trump-jr-and-wife-vanessa-divorcing/430151002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.03.13

CNN reported today that Paul Manafort could face the rest of his life and almost 300 years in prison, a federal judge said Tuesday.

Americans around the country reacted to the news by screaming, “Paul Manafort is going to live to be over 300 years old?”

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Donald Трамп sent out a tweet Tuesday morning announcing he had fired Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and appointed CIA Director Mike Pompeo to replace him.

When asked why he fired Tillerson over Twitter instead of face-to-face, Donald Трамп told reporters, “Your mom is face-to-face!”

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USA Today writer Glenn Harlan Reynolds said in a recent column that California’s so-called ‘Sanctuary City’ laws make it ripe for Attorney General Jeff Sessions to send US troops to California to stop insurrection. He compared the Sanctuary laws to the desegregation orders by the Federal Government that required US troops to enforce.

Reynolds has also said that white males have the hardest time in America, so, way to go USA Today! There’s no punchline here, because this actual story is already dumb!

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Paul Manafort faces 305 years
https://www.cnn.com/2018/03/13/politics/paul-manafort-faces-305-years/index.html

Trump fires Rex Tillerson, selects Mike Pompeo as new Secretary of State
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/white-house/trump-replaces-secretary-state-tillerson-cia-director-n856091

Could Trump and Sessions send federal troops to California over immigration?
https://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2018/03/13/trump-sessions-might-send-federal-troops-california-immigration-laws-glenn-reynolds-column/417633002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.02.24

White House Historical Association volunteers have been painstakingly archiving precious historical images and other records.

One image they decided not to archive: a selfie Donald Trump took in the bathroom. NOPE!

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Missouri Governor Eric Greitens was indicted for invasion of privacy over a nude photo he took of a woman he had an affair with in 2015.

After being informed of the incident, Donald Трамп asked that Greitens be nominated for U.S. Secretary of Women’s Affairs.

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United Airlines and Delta announced that they won’t offer discounted rates for NRA members in the latest display of corporate backlash to the pro-gun organization.

United Airlines and Delta said they will still offer cramped seats and weird smells on all of their domestic flights.

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That bathroom selfie thing with Trump is another one of those, “Yeah, that could happen,” kind of things.

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Librarians digitally archive rare White House images
https://www.cnn.com/2018/02/24/politics/white-house-history-digital-library/index.html

Indictment of Missouri Gov. Eric Greitens could have political ripples
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/elections/indictment-missouri-gov-eric-greitens-could-have-political-ripples-n850931

NRA hits back at United Airlines, Delta, other companies for cutting ties
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2018/02/24/united-airlines-delta-latest-big-names-cut-ties-nra/369950002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.02.16

First lady Melania Трамп drove separately from Donald Трамп to Edwards Airforce base today.

Melania’s communication director said the First Lady was trying to be respectful of Donald Трамп’s time, and make sure he had all the time he needed to SPEND WITH THOSE OTHER WOMEN IN THE LIMO!

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Donald Трамп and his friends concealed an affair he had with former Playboy playmate Karen McDougal during the second year of his marriage to Melania Трамп.

Melania icily denied the truth of the affair, and told reporters, “I don’t believe it’s true, because Donald has no friends.”

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Special counsel Robert Mueller filed criminal charges against 13 Russian nationals and 3 Russian businesses on Friday for undermining the 2016 presidential election.

After being briefed about the news, Donald Трамп expressed relief that it was only 3 Russian businesses, and that Mueller hadn’t found out yet about, “All those other ones! PHEW! DODGED A BULLET!”

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8/29/2014 – American political press freaks out because President Barrack Hussein Obama wears a TAN SUIT to a press conference.

2/16/2018 – American political press freaks out because they don’t know whether to lead with …

  • Another School Shooting
  • Donald Trump’s covering up MULTIPLE affairs with pay-offs
  • Multiple indictments from Robert Mueller related to Russialago
  • Black Panther

Man. I wish we could’ve had another 4 years of Obama. Because I would’ve liked to see him rock the tan suit to Black Panther this weekend. THAT would’ve been a fun scandal.

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Melania Trump arrives solo to air base amid second affair scandal as first couple heads to Florida
https://www.cnn.com/2018/02/16/politics/melania-trump-affair-scandal-white-house/index.html

Former Playboy model claims she had an affair with Trump, report says
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/former-playboy-model-claims-she-had-affair-trump-report-says-n848601

Special counsel indicts Russian nationals for interfering with U.S. elections and political processes
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2018/02/16/special-counsel-indicts-russian-nationals-election-interference/345720002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.02.09

Gary Emineth, a Republican candidate for US Senate in North Dakota, said recently that no more mosques should be built in the United States. Emineth went on North Dakota’s WDAY AM970 to defend his position on the Rob (re)Port.

“So I just made a statement, I’m a Christian that believes we ought to propagate our Christian faith. So I see an article and I retweet, ‘no more mosques in America,’ you know, and like, and share. So I retweeted it. So yeah. So what?”

When someone pointed out that banning mosques would violate the First Amendment to the Constitution, Emineth said, “So it violates the first amendment, so it tramples on religious liberties, I’m like, y’know, I want to propagate my Christian faith so, First Amendment, so what?”

When asked later if he supports Donald Трамп despite his numerous infidelities, Emineth said, “So he banged around a little on his wife? I’m a Christian that believes, hey, you wanna bang around on your wife, you wanna a gumare, a chantausey on the side, badda-bing, badda-boom, whaddya ya gonna do about it, fuggedaboutit?”

By the end of the interview, Emineth had fully devolved into a full-blown Italian mobster stereotype worthy of an old episode of Mad TV! Emineth ended the interview by asking for some gravy like his ma used to make, marone!

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After a temporary lapse in government funding that lasted through the night, Congress passed a two-year spending deal early Friday. The funding is primarily financed through borrowing thanks to the Trump tax cuts.

When asked how the funding would be paid for, Donald Трамп said, “Eh, don’t worry about it, I do this kind of thing all the time. All the time folks. You borrow the money, you declare bankruptcy, you start a new company. We’ll do the same thing, folks, the same thing. Already got my eye on a new name. Donaldvania. Say it outloud, it grows on you. It grows on you folks.”

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Donald Трамп on Friday refused to authorize the release of a Democratic rebuttal to a Republican intelligence committee memo alleging that FBI and Justice Department officials abused their power to spy on former Trump campaign adviser Carter Page.

When asked why, Donald Трамп said, “Duh, because I’m a jerk!” Donald Трамп then made faces for five minutes, before transitioning to a jerk-off motion.

The New York Times reported the move as, “quite Presidential!”

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

GOP Senate candidate defends sharing tweet that called for ban on mosques: ‘So what?’
https://www.cnn.com/2018/02/09/politics/kfile-north-dakota-senate-candidate-radio-interview/index.html

After temporary shutdown, Congress passes two-year spending deal
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/congress-readies-vote-budget-deal-hoping-avoid-shutdown-n845961

Trump blocks release of Dem memo rebutting GOP claims of FBI surveillance abuse
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2018/02/09/trump-agrees-trump-authorizes-release-democratic-memo-rebutting-republican-claims-fbi-surveillance/317476002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.02.08

10563104_684373328278566_5809246138630193001_n.jpg
Man, remember this guy? Thing is, yes, The Donald is on track to be worse.

Former President George W. Bush told an audience in Abu Dhabi Thursday that, “There’s pretty clear evidence that the Russians meddled” in the 2016 presidential election.

Most people agree that this is sort of like hearing Count Dooku tell an audience, “That Chancellor Palpatine, watch out for him!”

Other people disagree with the metaphor, and insist George W. Bush is more like Jar-Jar Binks.

 

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White House staff secretary Rob Porter resigned Wednesday, a day after a British newspaper reported that he had beaten two of his ex-wives.

Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters that it was “a personal decision Rob made,” and that he “will stay on to ensure a smooth transition.”

It’s unclear at this time if Rob Porter will beat any staffers before he resigns.

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Whole Foods stores across the country are facing shortages and empty shelves, after Amazon instituted a new “order-to-shelf” inventory system designed to prevent shortages.

Shoppers around the country are angry about the empty shelves they’re finding at stores.

When asked if they were equally as angry about homelessness in their cities, the shoppers all said, “Nope, just mad about the store shelves. I NEED MY GREEN GODDESS DRESSING!”

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Seriously, Whole Foods is fine and all, but there are other stores!

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

George W. Bush says there is ‘pretty clear evidence’ Russia meddled in election
https://www.cnn.com/2018/02/08/politics/george-w-bush-russian-meddling-abu-dhabi/index.html

White House aide Rob Porter resigns amid allegations of domestic abuse
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/white-house-aide-rob-porter-resigns-amid-allegations-domestic-abuse-n845611

Empty Whole Foods Market store shelves anger shoppers
https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/2018/02/08/empty-whole-food-market-store-shelves-anger-shoppers/308599002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.02.04

Miguel Perez Jr., a US Army veteran who served two tours of duty in Afghanistan, will be deported by the Трамп due to a felony drug conviction in 2010.

When asked to comment, Donald Трамп said, “Well, that’s what he gets for fighting for his country! He should’ve done what I did, and get out of it by pretending he had bone spurs,” before he was quickly led out of the room by General John Kelly.

Aides say that Kelly plans to take away The Donald’s ice cream privileges for the month, “to remind him to stay on script.”

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Former CIA Director John Brennan said House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes “abused” his office by issuing a memo with intelligence information.

Congressional staffers say that Nunes also likes to abuse himself in the bathroom every time he hears his name in the news.

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It’s the Superbowl today! Whoever wins, just know, there’s probably going to be a riot led by white people that gets called, “excited celebration,” by every news outlet, except for in black neighborhoods where local police will probably show up with tear gas.

Enjoy eating a whole jar of Queso!

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Veteran who served two tours in Afghanistan could be deported
https://www.cnn.com/2018/02/04/us/ice-possible-deportation-veteran/index.html

Ex-CIA Director Brennan says Nunes “abused” his office with memo
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/first-read/ex-cia-director-brennan-says-nunes-abused-his-office-memo-n844536

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.02.02

STABLE_GENIUS_donald-trump.png
Very stable genius Donald Трамп’s top advisor suggested it was critical he release the memo.

Former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper on Friday called Republicans’ push to release a classified memo that alleges the FBI abused its surveillance authority a “blatant political act.”

“Transparency is a great thing, but let’s be factual and objective about it, and this clearly is a pretty blatant political act,” Clapper said on CNN’s “New Day.”

In response, the White House released a statement saying, “Oh yeah, YOUR MOM IS A BLATANT POLITICAL ACT!”

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Randall Margraves, the father of three girls who were molested by gymnastics doctor Larry Nassar charged at him during a sentencing hearing Friday. He was wrestled to the flood by sheriff’s deputies as he shouted, “Give me one minute with that bastard!”

When asked by a reporter later if his daughters would still be doing Gymnastics, Margraves responded by breaking a chair over the reporter’s head.

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The Dow tumbled 666 points Friday — its sixth-biggest point loss ever — and suffered its worst week in two years as investors turned skittish after Republicans released a controversial and now-declassified memo alleging that the FBI and Department of Justice abused their surveillance authority to target President Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign.

Donald Трамп responded to the news by ignoring it and flying to Mar-A-Lago for yet another tax-payer funded vacation at his private resort.

Aides say Трамп plans to spend the weekend working out how to blame the stock market plummet on President Obama.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders denied that Трамп would blame Obama, saying he intended to blame Hillary Clinton and the Deep State.

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I don’t believe in ideas about the Book of Revelations, and then my kid brain remembers from childhood Bible Study that 666 was the mark of the beast, and I’m like, “Hello God, are you there? It’s me, effdot.”

Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Ex-DNI Clapper calls Nunes memo a ‘blatant political act’
https://www.cnn.com/2018/02/02/politics/james-clapper-nunes-memo/index.html

Accusers’ dad Randall Margraves lunges at Larry Nassar in court
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/accusers-dad-charges-larry-nassar-during-sentencing-hearing-n844031

Dow plunges 666 points amid rate-hike fears after strong jobs report
https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/markets/2018/02/02/dow-suffers-brief-300-point-drop-amid-rate-hike-fears-after-strong-jobs-report/300350002/

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YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2018.01.31

the_donald_smells.png
The Donald seems like the kind of guy who pretends he hates the smell of farts, but really, really enjoys it. Especially his own.

Donald Трамп gave some kind of speech last night, but no one in their right mind trusts what he says or gives a crap about it.

If you see a loved-one praising the speech, check for signs that the person is suffering from crack addiction.

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A few weeks ago, Hawaii’s Emergency Management Agency activated an Emergency Alert that said North Korea had launched a nuclear missile at the island. The FCC just concluded it’s investigation, and discovered that the person who activated the alert …

  • … thought the missile launch was real
  • … was in a room with five other people who all heard an alert saying, “Exercise, Excercise, Exercise,” indicating the alert was a drill
  • … confused drills with real world events at least twice before
  • … got confused when he was presented with the option to choose between “drill” and “emergency” and chose emergency.

Based on his performance, the Трамп regime plans to give this employee the Nuclear Football for safekeeping.

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CDC Director Brenda Fitzgerald, in charge of regulating tobacco, bought shares in tobacco companies in August 2017, one month after she started the job in July 2017. She resigned from her job this morning after a report from Politico on her purchases.

Officials for the Трамп regime were disappointed in her resignation, saying it sets the wrong tone for the administration.

A spokesperson for the regime that sounded like Donald Трамп trying to do a fake Irish accent said, “She should have bought more stock, THEN deregulated, THEN sold her shares. THAT’S how you make money around here!”

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!

Here’s what went wrong with the Hawaii false alarm
https://www.cnn.com/2018/01/31/us/hawaii-false-alarm-investigation-findings/index.html

CDC Director Brenda Fitzgerald quits following report she bought tobacco shares
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/cdc-director-brenda-fitzgerald-quits-after-revelations-she-bought-tobacco-n843261

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